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Original poster

Spoke to ex for the 1st time in years, and now he's blocked me

79 replies

urbannomad · 25/02/2018 19:59

I'd really appreciate some thoughts on this. The situation is, my ex and I first got together 6 years ago - it was one of those really intense but rocky relationships. He's a few years younger than me and I eventually broke up with him as I was sick of the instability and his emotional immaturity. He pursued me for months after we broke up, turning up to my house with gifts etc. We ended up getting back together 1.5 years later, only to break up again, following which I met and married my husband. My ex sent me a nice congratulatory message when I got married but apart from that we've had no contact for a couple of years.
As happy as I am with my husband, I did occasionally think about my ex and recently decided to send him a casual message to see how he is. I noticed immediately that his image and way of speaking had changed -he's always had a bit of the 'bad boy' thing going on but it's definitely become more pronounced now and I got the distinct sense that he was trying to show me he no longer cares what I think of him. I'll be honest and concede that stupidly, the attraction on my end was probably still a little bit there and that perhaps led me to extend the conversation longer than I should have. For a period of a few weeks, we exchanged messages here and there and I was enjoying the conversation, despite him talking mainly about himself and also saying a few insensitive things. We've always connected on an intellectual level and so most of the conversation was about politics, travel etc. but at one point he did admit he was really sad when I got married (he quickly pulled back from this statement with a generic 'life goes on' type comment). However I started to get annoyed by his self-absorption and also feel guilty for engaging in prolonged conversation and finally forced myself to stop replying. After I didn't respond to his message for a few days, I now see that he blocked me.
I probably should've left it there but I decided to send him a short email saying that I'd still like to be friends but that his manner of speaking had hurt my feelings a little and hence why I distanced myself. It's been days now and no response, and I'm left wondering what to make of it all. If he really didn't care about me at all, why block me simply because I didn't reply for a few days? Was he just messing with me the whole time?

OP posts:
RainyApril · 25/02/2018 22:13

I expect he's just trying to prevent yet another hurtful encounter with you.

You say he was upset when you broke up the first time, and pursued you for months. You then had a second attempt at a relationship, which failed. He then watched you get married. Now, suddenly, you initiate contact again, converse for a few weeks, then abruptly stop replying. He blocks you and you find another way to contact him!

What an absolute head fuck you are. Good for him going nc. I'm not sure he was the immature one tbh.

OhDearToby · 25/02/2018 22:23

Why on earth would you want to be friends with him? What would that add to your life?! It's not like you and your dh could meet him for a pint.

I'd concentrate on your (I'm guessing quite new) husband and stop talking to an ex you still have feelings for. I think he has done the mature thing by blocking you.

sassymuffin · 25/02/2018 22:45

I'll be honest and concede that stupidly, the attraction on my end was probably still a little bit there and that perhaps led me to extend the conversation longer than I should have.

I'm not sure your husband would be as open minded about the situation if he was aware that you still have an attraction to your ex.

You do not have purely platonic feelings towards this ex and that changes the dynamics of the contact. It is probably a blessing for your marriage that the ex has blocked you.

You know the messaging was wrong that is why you felt guilty.

BackToBaileys · 25/02/2018 22:45

I don't think you should have emailed him tbh. Sending the odd "how are you" message is sometimes ok with an ex if it's just a genuine friendly message for nostalgic reasons and you're both well over each other etc. But it sounds like there's more to it here.

I message my ex from years ago very occasionally with a quick "how's life treating you" etc but sometimes don't get a reply for weeks and vice versa and don't even give it another thought because we aren't together, are probably busy and don't owe each other anything.

I think the messages probably went too far and he saw that so when you didn't reply for days, instead of him getting his head in a twisted mess he decided to put a block on it to save himself a head fuck. The fact you felt the need to email him rather than letting sleeping dogs lie suggests there's more to it than you probably even realise yourself and I would talk to your dh about it if I were you.

catfishsally · 26/02/2018 00:52

Your husband clearly trust you and bevause he is so easy going you are taking the piss
your ex is irrelevant

Mom2K · 26/02/2018 02:10

Your behaviour is unacceptable. I feel sorry for your DH.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 26/02/2018 02:31

Even if your dh gives you the green light to talk to exs, you should have your own boundary standing on your respect for your dh and relationship to not do it. Your dh does not want to control you and say no; but you should control yourself and tell yourself no.

Peanutbuttercheese · 26/02/2018 03:11

Some people, do stay in touch with ex partners but the fact you admitted to an emotion to him and that he made you feel a certain. Well that is intimate contact. Plus the way you describe your intellectual connection and you admit you still had a tiny bit of feeling.

That's why this is all very wrong.

An ex got in touch with me via a msg a couple of months ago, I did absolutely nothing.

littletinyme1 · 26/02/2018 03:19

I think you were cross that he was talking about himself rather than you and so it wasn't the ego boost you expected.

2 words- grow up

Olicity17 · 26/02/2018 06:09

To be honest it doesnt sound like you really give a shit about the ex. You want him to keep chatting to you, you clearly want him to care deeply about you getting married, you dont seem happy he pulled back from how he felt when you got married.

You then ghosted him and are complaining he has decided to end the friendship. It really does sound like this guy is an ego boost for you and you want to keep him on the edges of your life for when you want a boost. But you arent bothered about how it makes him feel.

The fact that he has decided to end it, has dented that ego. You shouldnt have emailed him. Let him go. And try and work out why you went seeking this boost from him and why you need that boost.

isthismylifenow · 26/02/2018 06:47

OP, does your dh keep in contact with his ex's?

Do you encourage him to keep in contact with them?

TheNaze73 · 26/02/2018 07:43

None of your behaviour would be acceptable to most in a relationship. Leave the poor bloke alone.

springydaff · 26/02/2018 08:00

What an absolute head fuck you are.

That about sums it up. Poor man, you really messed with his head ; he took decisive action, you still pursued, well aware he didn't want it.

All about you.

FitBitFanClub · 26/02/2018 08:11

If I was your husband, I'd be really pissed off with you.

What on Earth were you thinking, resurrecting contact with this bloke? What was the end result going to be? Friendship? Not worth it with someone who upsets you by hurting your feelings. An affair? Possible, but highly inadvisable and the guy sounds a twat anyway.

So steer clear. You were playing with fire but got away with it. This time. Don't let there be a "next time."

Isetan · 26/02/2018 09:01

I call bs on your reasons for contact and your feelings about being blocked confirms it. If he hadn't of blocked you, you would still be pursuing the ego stroke or whatever it was you were after.

I'm not saying you were up for an affair but you weren't being honest with yourself and you genuinely might not be conscious of whatever void this encounter was fulfilling but it wasn't just about the pursuit of friendship.

I am friends with some Ex's but not all, for very good reasons. If contact with an Ex (you clearly don't particularly like) is important you you, then something is missing and you better find out what it is before you sleepwalk into another situation.

Let this be a wake up call,

notfromhere · 26/02/2018 09:16

Hi all, OP here. To contextualise it further, although I initiated contact I didn't feel I had much control over the conversation once it began - my ex has always had a tendency to constantly overstep my boundaries and make cruel statements and I have a pattern of allowing it, and even all these years later I let it happen e.g him sending me pictures of his female 'friends' who are into him etc. So while I accept that I did wrong to my husband (and I feel completely shitty about that, and will be taking steps immediately to rectify it) I don't necessarily buy that I was hurting my ex, whether deliberately or unintentionally. I think he enjoyed flaunting his 'I don't care' attitude and talking about himself constantly and I stupidly became very passive and enabling. The only blameless party in this is my husband, really - I think my ex blocked me because he likes to be in control and by not replying, in his eyes I robbed him of that.

notfromhere · 26/02/2018 09:25

Isetan I think your comment hit the nail on the head - I can definitely see that my motives were not as simple as I told myself and that became obvious to me the longer we spoke. At the time I think I was feeling a bit lonely and nostalgic - I'd just moved to a new place where I don't know anyone and my husband was very busy with a new job. No justification or excuse though, and I will definitely take this as a wake up call and work on myself further. My husband deserves better than my unwise choices in this scenario.

BackToBaileys · 26/02/2018 09:26

Maybe he really just doesn't care and you're reading too much into this? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Time does give you perspective on things and stuff that bothered someone years ago might not so much now.

notfromhere · 26/02/2018 09:30

I probably am reading too much into it BackToBaileys. I do have a tendency to over think things and I guess I wanted him not to be the insensitive jerk that he is, because then that means facing up to my own failings in being attracted to and enabling his behaviour, both in the past and through our recent conversation.

BackToBaileys · 26/02/2018 09:33

You're ex blocked you because he likes to be in control so by not replying you robbed him of that control. Yet him blocking you lost you the control too so you emailed him.Confused

Sounds like you both just need to stay away from each other and leave well alone.

BackToBaileys · 26/02/2018 09:36

If he's an insensitive jerk then I see no reason to risk problems in your marriage to be friends with this ex. Friendships with ex's only ever work if you're both platonic and there's no feelings there whatsoever and any conversation you have you wouldn't be bothered with your dp seeing/hearing. Otherwise it's just playing with fire.

notfromhere · 26/02/2018 09:38

BackToBaileys my email though unfortunately put me in a bit of a subservient position e.g. I apologised if I'd hurt his feelings etc. This is the pattern I seem to get stuck into with him, where he says something inappropriate and cruel but I seem to always apologise and continue talking to him, and this is one of the many reasons I should steer clear of him entirely, you are entirely correct in that.

Hermonie2016 · 26/02/2018 09:45

If you viewed him as a friend so what of he sent you pictures of women.I am glad you have had some insight into your behaviour.

You were fishing for something, compliments or attention and when you didn't get it you had a strop.Don't go outside your marriage to fix the empty feelings you may have.It has to come from within.

Did you hope MN would say

SilverdaleGlen · 26/02/2018 09:46

He is self absorbed and immature? Really? Him? Take a look at yourself.

You have messed with this guys head basically wanting him to want you but with no intention of following that through. You weren't "passive and enabling" you ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP with this man!

Stop trying to gain attention from other men and show some respect to your husband.

midnightmisssuki · 26/02/2018 09:54

Are you still interested in him somehow? You admit that you carried on the concersation longer than expected and then got hurt when es sensibly cut you off. Youre married - im not sure a married person should care if their ex blocked them out of respect for the persons marriage and husband. I think you need to think about why you care so much - therein lies the issue. Do you still love ex? If so, hes done you a favour by blocking you.