Sorry if this rambles, there’s so much I need to get down and I’m sure I’ll leave out stuff.
The basics are that after 7 years of marriage and 2 DS, I divorced my ex for emotional abuse and unreasonable behaviour. It wasn’t easy and he never gave up.
He had a very good job, we had a lovely house, everything looked peachy on the outside. On the inside a completely different matter. I was so in the fog, and believe I still am a bit to be incapable of seeing what was right or wrong, what damage was being done.
We went through a very acrimonious divorce/financial settlement (still not settled and I have no way of doing this now as I can’t afford the solicitor any more). I managed to get me and the boys settled in a house near my family and in a new school 100 miles away. But he had also moved to about 15 miles away because “he didn’t want to be separated from his boys”.
The day before we were due to sign the financial settlement he lost his job. He kept trying, and still keeps trying to sugges it would be easier and more financially sensible for him to move in with us. I kept and keep saying no. I find myself unable to say a really big loud Fuck Off because I’m scared. I feel rubbish about that. I gave him a very short second chance to show me he had changed and would honour my wishes and boundaries. But he blew it and I went back to trying to have as little contact with him as possible, and telling him I don’t want to know.
Move on a bit... we are fairly settled in our new house. The boys love it. But... DS2 is violent to me, often attacking me every day, and is a real handful. I cannot work because I have to be available 24/7. School can not cope with him. He’s being assessed for extra support, possibly special placement. Money is extremely tight.
Last weekend, the boys went to Ex’s house for 4 days, bit of half term plus “his” weekend. When I picked them up, DS2 was in meltdown. I let Ex try to deal with it, sitting in car waiting with DS1. Checking back into the house every few mins to see how it was going. When I went in one time I found DS2 extremely upset and angry. Found out that his dad had yelled at him to stop being a “f*cking mad son”. Devastating for any child! But for a child with emotional and autistic difficulties, doubly awful. On the drive home in car the boys were hyped up and it came out that Ex had punched DS2 in stomach hard enough to wind him earlier because he couldn’t get him to let go off his brother during a meltdown. Boys says they were scrapping and that DS2 wasn’t in true meltdown. Both boys indignant, upset, confused etc.
I am so confused, appalled by this behaviour, but I question my judgement regarding it because I have been “numbed” by Ex’s emotional abuse of me.
School has reported Ex to safeguarding as DS2 disclosed to me, School and PFSA what had happened. Both boys, on gentle questioning from me , have said they aren’t sure about Daddy, he’s unpredictable, DS1 expressed concern that it would happen again or to him. If Ex is investigated for safeguarding, he will probably lose his job and therefore not pay any more maintenance that keeps us afloat, just. Part of me wants the whole sorry thing to be over, for him to never have contact with kids again, for me to never have to deal with him again. Another part is terrified that we won’t cope and so so sad for the boys. Is one (provable) incidence of abuse enough for me to justify trying to stop Ex from seeing the boys? (With backup I mean, I can’t just tell him, he’s never accept it and I don’t know what he’d do.)
I have refused contact this weekend. But Ex won’t let it go. Keeps making comments that try to absolve him of the blame, and lump it back on my shoulders for not being supportive, not letting us be a family, blah blah, the list is endless. He’s meant to have boys next weekend as it is his scheduled weekend. 
Since the incident DS2s behaviour has escalated with much more directed punching and deliberately trying to hurt, for hours at a time. He’s also attacked and sworn at his brother. He was excluded from school on Friday for assaulting teachers.
What the actual f*ck do I do? Have I even posted this in the right place? It’s about my boys but it’s also about me and my impossible unavoidable relationship with my Ex. I’m exhausted and at rock bottom. Almost had to call an ambulance yesterday, or the police, as DS went on for 3 hours without letup. But I’m scared about all the fallout of disclosing, and even still now doubt my own perceptions, even though I have survived so far.