EA ex has now hit and sworn at my autistic son

[YetAnotherNC]

Sorry if this rambles, there’s so much I need to get down and I’m sure I’ll leave out stuff.

The basics are that after 7 years of marriage and 2 DS, I divorced my ex for emotional abuse and unreasonable behaviour. It wasn’t easy and he never gave up.

He had a very good job, we had a lovely house, everything looked peachy on the outside. On the inside a completely different matter. I was so in the fog, and believe I still am a bit to be incapable of seeing what was right or wrong, what damage was being done.

We went through a very acrimonious divorce/financial settlement (still not settled and I have no way of doing this now as I can’t afford the solicitor any more). I managed to get me and the boys settled in a house near my family and in a new school 100 miles away. But he had also moved to about 15 miles away because “he didn’t want to be separated from his boys”.

The day before we were due to sign the financial settlement he lost his job. He kept trying, and still keeps trying to sugges it would be easier and more financially sensible for him to move in with us. I kept and keep saying no. I find myself unable to say a really big loud Fuck Off because I’m scared. I feel rubbish about that. I gave him a very short second chance to show me he had changed and would honour my wishes and boundaries. But he blew it and I went back to trying to have as little contact with him as possible, and telling him I don’t want to know.

Move on a bit... we are fairly settled in our new house. The boys love it. But... DS2 is violent to me, often attacking me every day, and is a real handful. I cannot work because I have to be available 24/7. School can not cope with him. He’s being assessed for extra support, possibly special placement. Money is extremely tight.

Last weekend, the boys went to Ex’s house for 4 days, bit of half term plus “his” weekend. When I picked them up, DS2 was in meltdown. I let Ex try to deal with it, sitting in car waiting with DS1. Checking back into the house every few mins to see how it was going. When I went in one time I found DS2 extremely upset and angry. Found out that his dad had yelled at him to stop being a “f*cking mad son”. Devastating for any child! But for a child with emotional and autistic difficulties, doubly awful. On the drive home in car the boys were hyped up and it came out that Ex had punched DS2 in stomach hard enough to wind him earlier because he couldn’t get him to let go off his brother during a meltdown. Boys says they were scrapping and that DS2 wasn’t in true meltdown. Both boys indignant, upset, confused etc.

I am so confused, appalled by this behaviour, but I question my judgement regarding it because I have been “numbed” by Ex’s emotional abuse of me.

School has reported Ex to safeguarding as DS2 disclosed to me, School and PFSA what had happened. Both boys, on gentle questioning from me , have said they aren’t sure about Daddy, he’s unpredictable, DS1 expressed concern that it would happen again or to him. If Ex is investigated for safeguarding, he will probably lose his job and therefore not pay any more maintenance that keeps us afloat, just. Part of me wants the whole sorry thing to be over, for him to never have contact with kids again, for me to never have to deal with him again. Another part is terrified that we won’t cope and so so sad for the boys. Is one (provable) incidence of abuse enough for me to justify trying to stop Ex from seeing the boys? (With backup I mean, I can’t just tell him, he’s never accept it and I don’t know what he’d do.)

I have refused contact this weekend. But Ex won’t let it go. Keeps making comments that try to absolve him of the blame, and lump it back on my shoulders for not being supportive, not letting us be a family, blah blah, the list is endless. He’s meant to have boys next weekend as it is his scheduled weekend.

Since the incident DS2s behaviour has escalated with much more directed punching and deliberately trying to hurt, for hours at a time. He’s also attacked and sworn at his brother. He was excluded from school on Friday for assaulting teachers.

What the actual f*ck do I do? Have I even posted this in the right place? It’s about my boys but it’s also about me and my impossible unavoidable relationship with my Ex. I’m exhausted and at rock bottom. Almost had to call an ambulance yesterday, or the police, as DS went on for 3 hours without letup. But I’m scared about all the fallout of disclosing, and even still now doubt my own perceptions, even though I have survived so far.

You're welcome, welfare rights office within council usually ss dept (only because it's mainly people needing extra support that use them).

I was recommended by a charity for my own health condition following my first applications for ESA and DLA being rejected. I was in despair.

They know the system inside out and backwards and what to put on the forms. It SHOULDN'T be the case but the various officers and support workers I've spoken to
about this (who have decades of experience) believe there are set words and phrases you have to use to ensure your claim is accepted.

Well, have sent the email saying the boys will not be allowed to visit. Waiting for the shit to hit the fan....

Thanks Graphista. I will try and track them down on Monday.

Your local carers support Can help you fill the fOrm in. Sounds very stressful. Have you joined a local support group for asd ?

notapizzaeater hi! Yes, I’ve joined a local support group, but I find it difficult because at the moment I am the only person who can look after my son, and I can’t even predict whether he’ll be in school, so I’ve not made it to a meeting yet. Shame they can’t come to my house for tea and cake!

Are they on Facebook ? Our local group is, if a parent said they where struggling to get out and asked for visitors you'd def get some visitors.

I haven’t read the full thread so apologies if I cross post or miss something, I couldn’t not reply to you OP.

I was exactly where you are 5 + years ago. Basically to cut a very long story short, we survived. It wasn’t easy and it isn’t a piece of cake but so so much better. My boys are doing so much better and my son with autism has reduced his meltdowns/violent outbursts/attacks massively. Their dad is not allowed near them via a court order. You CAN do this. I promise it gets easier. PM me if you like but just wanted to say I understand 100%.

notapizzaeater I shall see what the deal is on Facebook. They are on there, but their meetings are usually in village halls and so on. But def worth a try.
llmb Thank you, truly. I can’t see a way out of this mess, but I’m going forwards anyway, and it’s reassuring to hear from someone where it has worked out ok.

I have had a grumpy response to my email to Ex. I’m constantly gobsmacked by the fact he can behave as if it was someone else that did these things and that he assumes I still want to talk to him on the level of an equal sensible adult. I know I shouldn’t and that’s what he wants. But still, jeez. It’s so hard not to be the “adult” and advise, or conversely to be the “child” and scream at him what an idiot he’s being. I think I have managed to find middle ground, got someone to check my email before I sent it for wormy-loopholes. It’s been made xtremely clear I don’t want to talk to him or have contact, or him to have contact with his kids until/when/if this is ever all sorted. If it’s not sorted then he doesn’t get contact and he can take me to court which he’s threatened before. Yikes! I feel like I’ve deliberately gone and poked a wasps nest... but there wasn’t a choice. Still stings.

I doubt he'll go to court. He knows what will be said about him. My ex spent three years telling me I was a terrible mother and he was going to go to court for full residency. Did he? Of course he didn't.

You are doing all the right things. Will your eldest occupy himself upstairs while you are dealing with a meltdown? My dd was awesome. She used to head up to her room so I knew she was safe and to try and minimise what she saw. I know it still had an effect on her but she is doing better now. I did things like give her a TV in her room so she could use it like a sitting room.

I wasn't in the same position as you but my ex took me to court over contact and it did NOT go as he thought it would - and he was just lazy/useless not abusive.

It can be quite something to see them being told by their OWN LAWYER that they're being an arse

Susan yes, I think DS1 is awesome. He’s only very young still but I think he’s got a great heart. He loves his brother and understands I need to defuse the meltdown. It’s just that’s hes still only 9 and been through so much already that he’s suffers from anxiety while he’s on his own. He’s got the bedroom to retreat to which I too have set up like a playroom with a tv and games etc. He just get’s lonely which breaks my heart.

No idea if he’ll go to court. He came to a mediation meeting with the local authority and a SENCO from School on the day that School filed the safeguarding report, fully knowing that it had been filed. He then proceeded to tell everyone in the room, as an example of “what we are dealing with” that DS2 had had a meltdown, had attacked his brother and he’d punched him while trying to get him off DS1. Then announced, in an exasperated way, that he was being reported as a safeguarding issue because of this. All like everyone should be sympathetic. He couldn’t seem to feel the embarrassment that filled the room for everyone else. I’m ashamed to be connected to him. I feel dirty and worried I’ll be judged just being associated with him.

Sorry, second para was in response to Graphista. I would love to see his own lawyer tell him he was being an arse, but I think it might just be like water off a duck’s back. Or he’d just say that obviously that lawyer had their own agenda and own axe to grind, and then promptly sack them... He’s oblivious.

My ex went through 4 lawyers. I'd 2 myself as I got exasperated with how slow and incompetent no 1 was.

No 2 was head honcho at her firm and knew all the local family lawyers. He was on his 3rd when I was first with her, she rated him, then he sacked that one for refusing to accuse me in court of a load of bullshit (ex can't talk quietly we overheard in waiting area, my lawyer pointed out his lawyer was refusing as it was unprofessional and unethical and could get him sanctioned) then no 4 appeared and my lawyer almost burst out laughing! Basically a case of "he's got her cos she's who you end up with when nobody else will take you" at that point he and his lawyer pretty much blew any chance of getting his wants.

I can't believe you moved 100 miles away from this creep and he followed you. Then preceded to pester you and beg you to let him cocklodge, and despite your repeated pleas for intervention, still has as much access to the ds's as he wishes, culminating in all this. Make this clear to ss, so they know what they're dealing with. You've been through so much, and you've been brilliant, what a bastard. Don't feel embarrassed for knowing him, or cringe because of him, you thought he was different at the start, but now you see his true colours. Be thankful for that. How long have you been in your new area? Is this the first time you've had ss involved there? Just thinking they might be more on the ball, than where you were previously. Fingers crossed you get some feedback from ss or the school soon. When was the last time you saw your gp?

Also just a thought, and you might already anyway, but even though it's cold out atm, do you have anywhere outside you could wrap up the dc and go to play and burn off some energy? A playpark or an open space they could chase each other round? They could bond a bit, and you could give ds2 a ball to wing or kick, which might help to get some of his aggression out in a healthy way.

No advice re your boys OP bit you are definitely right to protect them from their arse of a father.

Get the DLA forms done, then put in a claim for carers then see is you can get the disability element on any tax credits, it should give you a bit more protection from him withholding payments

I second all the other posters, don't let this man near your sons without a court order. You are their primary carer, and you get to set the agenda, particularly in light of what happened.

If you are a bit foggy about it all I understand. People like your ex are masters of twisting and confusing things, rewriting history and painting themselves as the victim.

Keep on going!

Thank you everyone for your great support. It is exactly what I need right now. I need people to tell me I’m being a good mum and I’m doing the right things and to carry on doing them and not let him bully me into silence. I sent two emails last night detailing in almost legal terms exactly why I wouldn’t let him have contact and that his behaviour is unacceptable. I’ve had hassling emails from him this morning accusing me of “stoking” this situation, implying that I’m overreacting, don’t i realise “this is hugely serious” (uh...duh...????!) what about his job and “his good name”. I’m shaking because it’s brought back all the PTSD symptoms, and am having flashbacks to the things he said and did to me (actually a good thing because most of the time I go around in a fog of forgetting and it’s reminded me exactly why he scared me and why I left). Spoke to NSPCC and they said I’m doing all the right things and reassured me I wasn’t overreacting and not to let him get in my head. I haven’t replied to him, and hopefully he’s at work so he can’t just turn up demanding we talk. If he does I shall call the police if he won’t leave. Still shak8ng like a leaf though.

Well done. Yes, if he comes near you call the police. You may think (as society tells us) that doing so is an overreaction, that you should 'keep it to yourself' and so on, but I can't stress enough how getting the police involved helped me in an abusive situation. It helps put the abuser 'back in their box' if you see what I mean. He needs to be told by a third party (as well as you) that his behaviour is unacceptable.

If you can draw your line in the sand he will be less likely to make you feel this way. You will feel your power return.

You are being a good mum. Good mums protect their children.. You are protecting your children.

You are doing the right things. He is abusive and you are protecting the current them and the future then.

Carry on doing these things. Get support, get guidance but trust yourself to protect them.

Do not let him bully you into silence. You have walked away once, that's amazing strength. You know him, you know it isn't on your head. re read his email every time you need reminding.

Hi OP

DLA from sat around for six weeks and took me a week to fill out. Really steel yourself and be prepared by going on the Cerebra guide for each section. Be totally honest about the worst days you have - and anyone who’s filled it out will know that you spend all your time minimising to yourself and in day to day life how bad things are, and it’s a big wrench to strip that away- but you must. Can’t walk down the street without a meltdown? You must fill in the walking bit according to Cerebra because the form itself is set up for physical disabilities (where walking etc is physically difficult) and you need the right wording (similarly sleeping and many other questions).

The Special needs sections of mumsnet have some exceptionally wise women with experience and advice - and they don’t all frequent the rest of mumsnet - @poltergoose for example. Great moral support for DLA too.

I can’t stress enough how important writing a diary of meltdowns etc is in the face of wait lists and referral refusal. It saved my sanity because a HCP tried to minimise DSs meltdowns as my ‘perception’ (!) and when I looked at my diary I knew she was talking bollocks.

When you go to GP for CAMHS referral mention that you have been told you have PTSD and that in all likelihood DS needs help for this himself. Take your diary with you and also I’d say write a ‘day in the life’ summary and read it out to the GP or social worker - so answer to the questions ‘how does he wake up’, how easily will he eat breakfast, how is he at dressing himself, how do you get out the door, how often does he hit his brother in the morning, what triggers meltdowns at breakfast - and so on.

Also OP I’d write this diary for yourself - come back to it in six months and if things are better you will see it and feel you’ve progressed. If on the other hand things are worse you will see that too and have the conviction in your judgement to fight for even more support.

Best of luck to you

Thanks everyone. It’s been a really shitty day. Police were called to school (2nd time) as DS2 has assaulted members of staff and me. He’s only 7. I’m desperate. and Ex keeps trying to contact me asking for updates. As if I have time to be at beck and call and sort out his mess. He will not take responsibility for his own actions and is desperately trying to reel me back in and get me to minimise what’s happened, to do something to help him escape the trap he’s wound around himself. And I can’t. And I won’t. I have spent all day shaking with nerves. I’m in pieces.

DS2 took Ritalin for first time today. Was not a good experience. He’s been even more intractable and aggressive. I’m too scared to give it to him again. I can’t take another day like today. I’ve been on the phone to GP, paediatrician, police, School, social services most of the day and the rest has been dealing with DS2, being punched etc, stopping fights, trying to get him to eat after a whole day at school where he didn’t eat or drink. Nightmare. DS2 has now been referred to social services by 4 different sources including the police. Waiting to see whether any of it makes a difference. Paediatrician’s attitude was “well we’ve done the tests, you just need to wait,there’s nothing else I can do, sorry.” I have had numerous moments today where I feel suicidal because this is truly like some kind of prison camp torture.

I am so sorry to hear this. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Hopefully someone with better words than me will be along shortly, but this too will pass. Maybe this is the absolute rock bottom, that gives you a firm foothold to start climbing back up. You can do it! You're being so brave.

Oh my word, OP, this sounds truly awful. Are they both asleep now? You might need to put the kettle on and have a good cry!
School calling the police due to assault?!? I'm a senco in primary school and have been bitten, scratched, kicked repeatedly, pushed, hit etc - often by children with ASD, some diagnosed, some not. But I've never called the police!
Wow - what county are you in?

verbirthien Thank you!

newname I’m in UK. School are calling police as a way of escalating the process and getting somebody somewhere to take notice because so far, despite my best efforts and theirs we have met computer says no, NHS waiting lists, budget constraints blah blah blah and absolutely zero help. And it’s getting tocrisis point where he assaults me daily, and doesn’t engage in School if he’s there at all. They are sympathetic but at the end of their tether also. It’s not an isolated incident and it’s getting worse. He’s only 7 and he’s tiny for his age but wow he’s capable of doing some damage. They had to close the school gates and divert everyone through the office today because he had barricaded himself into a corner by the gate and wouldn’t come out. Any kind of physical intervention is met with sheer all out fight for your life violence.

I’m truly exhausted and am going to try and get some sleep. But I’ve now got the Ex to worry about who has emailed me badgering about whether I have spoken to social services (wants to save his own skin) and that he’s going to drop everything and come and see us immediately. I’ve told him no, to stay away and he’s not welcome, I will not let him in. But thanks to the PTSD I’ll be jumping at every noise tonight. I have phoned the police to ask advice and they said that if he turns up to phone them and they’ll move him on. Doesn’t make me feel a lot more secure, but it’s all they can do right now.

Slightly hysterical sigh...