SO has invited a friend to stay while we are on holiday

[Elm1524]

Hi there
I just wanted to ask you all about a situation SO has currently put me in.
We go on holiday in around a months time for two weeks and yesterday SO was telling me how he had been speaking to his friend and he has said she can stay at our place whilst we are on holiday as she still lives with her parents and is having a hard time with them at the minute.
I have quite a few issues with so many aspects of this but just wanted to ask your opinion on whether or not I’m being crazy about having these thoughts on the matter.

1. SO’s friend isn’t in a relationship and is known to get around the block a little bit...concerned that she will be bring numerous guys back to our bed we sleep in every night.
2. somebody coming into our little nest and using everything whilst we are away feels weird to me but don’t know if I’m just overreacting.
3. I know SO would of said yes just because he wants to help everyone but I’m a bit annoyed that he never discussed it with me first considering this is the place we built together.

I’ve never really liked this friend In the years we have been in a relationship; I’ve never really shown that as this is SO’s really good friend and he has known her since he was a kid....I don’t want this to cloud my judgement so I wanted to ask your opinions on it before I speak to him about it.
Any opinions?

It would ruin my holiday, the thought of someone touching my stuff and sleeping in my room. That would be a no from me, she's not homeless and your partner should have asked you first before offering.

Make it clear to him that it's not her you have a problem with, it's anyone she might invite to the house. But he will obviously say 'oh, she won't do that, I've already told her and she's said she'll stay there alone' and if he's a trusting soul he will genuinely believe her.

So tell him if she invites anyone back who trashes the place and/or makes off with any of your belongings, a) your insurance will be invalid and b) he will personally be cleaning the place from top to bottom and making good anything missing/damaged.

No way. Absolutely no way.

I wouldn't want this even if it was my best friend, never mind a woman I don't like.

Strict ground rules, no visitors. Lock your bedroom door, let her sleep in living room or spare room?
Your partner is out of order not to discuss.

SO first response was actually “you can lock anything you like away, but I trust her to look after the place”
It will not be happening the more I think about it the more it’s a big fat no.

She asked him if she could stay while we are away

Ok, so he's bad at saying no. Sit him down and let him know in very strong terms that he cannot make unilateral decisions like that.

It's your home too. Anyone staying there needs to be approved by the both of you and either one of you has veto rights as far as this is concerned.

And honestly, if you don't like her anyway, him having to go back and say "sorry, no can do, WE decided it wasn't a good idea after all" may just get her out of your hair for good as well.

The fact she asked tells me she's a CF, and the fact that he didn't tell her he would check with you first tells me he needs to adjust his way of thinking.

Straightforward No! I'd be pissed off that your SO took the decision without discussing it with you first. Don't feel guilty or like your judging his friend, it's your home too!

YANBU - I'd HATE to have anyone living in my house while I was away - particularly if I knew that she'd quite likely have complete strangers coming back and them shagging in my bed. Bleugh! Quite apart from that, it's a big security risk if you don't know who the hell might be mooching around your house. No way would I allow this and your DP is being horribly unreasonable to have just offered her your place without discussing it with you first. I'd go ballistic if my DH did this (not that he ever would - the idea would horrify him too).

It might actually invalidate your home and contents insurance too ...

Hell no. When I lived with ex we did this for a friend once who was having a bad time in his relationship. Someone we knew well, saw all the time. Said he he could stay at the house for a week when we went on hols as he'd been sleeping on his mum's sofa.

Came back, house was absolutely filthy, furniture coveted in dog hair, floors all sticky, crockery had been broken. He'd had his mum's dog to stay, his children, god knows who else. Final straw was when I got in my car and found a child's sippy cup in it. I'd hidden the car keys at the back of my wardrobe. Turns out his kids had rooted through my wardrobe, found my keys and he'd decided to use my company car. With no drivers license.

I spent my first day back from holidays deep cleaning and arguing with ex about calling the police about the unauthorised use of my car.

Never again.

Clean your house from top to bottom before you go, so you are leaving it as you would wish to find it. Strip your bed and point her in the direction of the spare room if you have one. Lock away all personal or private items.

Explain to DP you aren't happy with the situation but will support him on this occasion.

If you get back and all is good, breathe easily. If you get back and she has abused your trust or made a mess of the house then hand it over to DP and tell him this s exactly why you had reservations and she is never staying again.

I’m not going to lie I honestly can’t stand the woman is quite an understatement, her life is a series of disaster after disaster and every time something goes wrong me and SO are round there picking up the pieces, I know it’s SO friend so I would never be insulting about her to SO face or to hers.
I’m quite riled up about it but I am one more to try and discuss things when I’ve calmed down a bit so nothing unreasonable is said but me and him will be having a discussion tonight and it’s a clear no from me

Just say no.

I would actually like this as I feel safer with someone in our home while we are away but you don't. Your feelings matter and your OH needs to see that.

You don't have much say in the matter at all. If you did, immediately he said it you'd have told him you weren't happy, and why. You wouldn't land on MN with issue and then say you're going back to talk to him about it. It's too long-winded.

This being the case tell him directly you don't want her staying, and why. Be prepared for him slipping her the key anyway. I guess she wants a couple of weeks freedom as an adult so her parents can't get in her business/she's somewhere to chill with mates for a couple of weeks

Is it a one bedroom house?

I think staying in your bed is a bit much but it wouldn’t bother me other than that.

I actually have security cameras set up in the house due to previous family issues that connect to my phone, so if SO slips her the key I would know straight away and it would ruin the holiday (he knows this so I hope it would deter him from slipping her the key)
I suppose I have a month to wait and find out

I think you are right to say no.

It’s a two bed house but our second bedroom is currently used as storage for furniture for my brother who is in between moving and needs somewhere to store his stuff while he sorts his new place out

I’m really funny about my bed. It’s mine and I wouldn’t want anyone else sleeping in it. I could cope with close family or best friend, but would not want a general friend and her latest fling in it. It would be a big no from me.

NO.

Really the main issue here is teaching a people pleaser that if they start trying to please those people by putting their own partner's wishes second, they'll soon end up fucking up their relationship.

Draw the boundary. He wants to people please, fine. He people pleases at YOUR expense... not fine.

so if SO slips her the key I would know straight away and it would ruin the holiday (he knows this so I hope it would deter him from slipping her the key)

If you are seriously at that stage with your thinking over this, then I think you need a much bigger conversation - where you say - get your priorities very clearly sorted or you will end up on your own.

I had something similar, but it was my friend and I had one rule - she was not allowed to bring random blokes back to my house. Needless to say I woke up one morning with a random blokes shoes clearly visible outside of her room.

It’s common courtesy to ask those affected by your choices before to plough on.

Your SO has shown no regard for your feelings. You have every right as to who comes to your home, let alone stays in your bed.

No chance would I want anyone else in my bed.

Sounds unlikely she would honour house rules anyway.