ExDH only agreeing to see DC in holidays - how can I get leverage

[BrightNewLife]

I need some advice please.

Separated from narc exH a couple of years ago. DC live full time with me.

Nothing legal yet regarding this custody as we moved countries, are still sorting paperwork and he left us in dire financial trouble.

He lives with his mother, and doesn't work. I don't know if he is claiming benefits as his paperwork is a bit irregular.

He claims that to come and see DC or collect them takes 7 hours by car, one way. Frankly, it's 4 hours outside rush hour, and 3h 40 according to Google.

He only agrees to see DC at half terms and holidays. Then he does the "Disney dad" with days out, takeaways, and this time, a new Xbox.

DC want to see DD more, for those reasons probably, and because they just want to see him.

Again now, he is now refusing to see them until Easter, claiming the trip down in petrol is too costly and the journey too long.

His DM is comfortably off, providing his food, clothes, a car etc.

He always was a dick.

He won't listen to my simple requests for him to take them more.

What rights do I have, if any? If I begin some sort of legal involvement, what is the likely outcome?

I'd love the kids to see him more because it would help me, work-wise and to get a simple break, and because I do want them to have a good relationship with him, even if I cannot stand his guts.

I'm tempted to give him an ultimatum and say he should either commit properly to regular visits or fuck off. Obviously I wouldn't do that but I feel I have no leverage and he is screwing me on every level, as he doesn't make any financial contribution either.

Anyone else been in this situation?

You cannot make a parent see their children. End of. You can't nor can a court.

Sounds like they are better off not seeing this idiot so often. He is hardly a role model.

It's a shame you can't live closer to each other for the sake of the children. How could he see them more often? What do you propose?
A 4 hour drive one way is a hell of a distance.

I would absolutely say that - regular visits or nothing. Having an unreliable Disney dad is not in your children's best interest.

Who moved away? If you want him to have more contact Why don't you offer to do the travelling?
I would assume the likely outcome at that distance would be EOW and half holidays with the travel shared. But that doesnt mean he would turn up for contact.

You or the courts can't make him have them.

Who choose to live four hours away?

I'm tempted to give him an ultimatum and say he should either commit properly to regular visits or fuck off

That’s what I did tbh. Asd kid and he needs consistency, the ex refused rather to come in chunks for a few weeks then piss off for months and it was always me who got the grief from the bairn/meltdowns etc. Told him to get something court ordered but he wouldn’t because it meant CM.

He fucked off.

However, I didn’t move miles and miles away so at the least you should be doing a chunk of the travelling probably.

He moved away.

I could do half-way, but that would give me a 4 hour drive (2 there, 2 back), which I would massively resent! Especially as he doesn't work!

A shorter drive for him is just a case of leaving earlier to miss traffic.

Kids would be devastated not to see DD, but I am so angry that he's being such a twat.

I don't think you should say "more or nothing" as nothing would not benefit your kids.

You say we moved countries, we bring you and the DC or you and your ex?

So, what are you proposing?

We used to live abroad. Then ex moved back to the UK on his own, and didn't come back to see DC, surprise surprise. Now I've moved to the UK with DC.

It sucks but a UK Court order is about the RP making the child available for contact, not the NRP actually turning up for it, iyswim... All a court order will get you is more resentment, a solicitor bill, and possibly a reduction in child maintenance (if he ever got a job) as it would be official that he had them more often...

So why didn't you move near him when you returned to the UK?

Can you even afford court?

Notmyreddit.... I haven't made a suggestion to him and I don't know what to propose.

Hence why I was wondering if there was any legal stance that anyone knew about.

I am so fucked off that I fear my anger will lead me to an unhealthy 'ultimatum' path, which wouldn't actually serve me well or the kids, but would serve my pride. It might kick his arse into action though, but unlikely.

But I would rather find some sort of solution, hence I wondered if a solicitor / mediator / UK policy (!) would give me some leverage.

Can you just say what you want/expect from him?

You'll need to have that clear in your mind before you take things further, so why not practice on us?

If he drives 4 hours to collect the children, do you think he should turn around and drive 4 hours back to his home? Would you seriously be happy with your kids being in the car with someone who has just drive 8 hours straight? And then do that all again 1 or 2 days later? How many times per year?

Cross posts.

You can't make him see them more and tbh why do you want him to?

He sounds awful. And it's hell of a journey for kids.

It's not like he's going to give practical support like take them to a club or do homework with them which would help you out.

I'm in this particular area because of my work, which is great and well paid. Plus my friends and family are this area, so more of a support network.

I could afford to pay for legal advice, but from everyone's answers it looks like there's no way to 'make' him see DCs more.

I really feel for you in this situation ... what an arse he is. Absolutely get it. Sounds like he is just doing the bare minimum to get at you.

TBH, he has access to money, so that's not really an issue - he uses it as an excuse when it suits him. He smokes, so that's the cost of the petrol, honestly.

I would have proposed a local option in that he sees them once between the holidays, get up early, does the drive and then stays with DC in a local AirBnB.

I have a friend who has an Air Bnb house that is cheap, is rentable for the weekend and that my kids have even stayed in, complete with garden, TV etc.

I don't want kids to do long drive Friday night and long drive again Sunday afternoon, obviously.

The local option would mean DC could spend time with their DD, and I'd get a bit of a break, which as he is a functioning adult, doesn't seem unreasonable to request as I work FT and have the DC FT.

Yes it means cost of drive + 2 nights, but its the equivalent of his lavish days out, XBOX or similar toys, packets of fags etc, which he spends when with them during Disney time.

I think he's just effing lazy, which is nothing new.

Given you chose to live four hours away, the courts would make you do the travelling.

The pay off for you having friends and family close by is that the children aren't close by to their father for regular decent contact. You could move closer but don't want too.

My DH drove a 6 hour round trip every other weekend to get his DC then day and half later would do it all again to get them home. He did this for 3 years and then we moved again and it was only a 4 hour round trip

Where theres a will there's a way. Sounds like no will In this case.

I think the best option is the current one ie he sees them in the holidays due to the length of the journey. Would it help you if he had them for longer periods of time?

Agree that you will get nowhere if you try to ‘make’ him have them more if he is adamant he is happy with the current set up.