ExDH only agreeing to see DC in holidays - how can I get leverage

[BrightNewLife]

I need some advice please.

Separated from narc exH a couple of years ago. DC live full time with me.

Nothing legal yet regarding this custody as we moved countries, are still sorting paperwork and he left us in dire financial trouble.

He lives with his mother, and doesn't work. I don't know if he is claiming benefits as his paperwork is a bit irregular.

He claims that to come and see DC or collect them takes 7 hours by car, one way. Frankly, it's 4 hours outside rush hour, and 3h 40 according to Google.

He only agrees to see DC at half terms and holidays. Then he does the "Disney dad" with days out, takeaways, and this time, a new Xbox.

DC want to see DD more, for those reasons probably, and because they just want to see him.

Again now, he is now refusing to see them until Easter, claiming the trip down in petrol is too costly and the journey too long.

His DM is comfortably off, providing his food, clothes, a car etc.

He always was a dick.

He won't listen to my simple requests for him to take them more.

What rights do I have, if any? If I begin some sort of legal involvement, what is the likely outcome?

I'd love the kids to see him more because it would help me, work-wise and to get a simple break, and because I do want them to have a good relationship with him, even if I cannot stand his guts.

I'm tempted to give him an ultimatum and say he should either commit properly to regular visits or fuck off. Obviously I wouldn't do that but I feel I have no leverage and he is screwing me on every level, as he doesn't make any financial contribution either.

Anyone else been in this situation?

Thanks everyone, all replies appreciated.

I'm going to leave it here as this topic is a bit outing for me, so I'll let it drift off!

I think that seeing them at half term and holidays is the only sensible solution when there's such a distance between parents. What kind of weekends do the kids get if they have to spend eight hours in the car at weekends..? And of course he wants to spoil them/have fun with them when he sees them if he can't have a proper family life with them. So I think that YABU, sorry.

I have a similar distance and ex does drive up eow. He stays with his parents who live nearby but the air b&b thing sounds like a good option for your situation, even if he only did it once every half term. I dont think it is as black and white as 'who moved does the travel'. The point is what is best for the kids and the best for them is that they dont have to travel much. If he doesnt work he's free to come down in the middle of the day and avoid traffic and could even leave Monday morning so he gets max time with the kids.

And who pays for the Airbandb? His mother I guess.

So the ex moves to the UK, leaves his kids abroad, makes no effort to visit them abroad, doesn't get a job to be able to support his kids, pays no maintenance and yet people are asking why OP didn't move closer to this shitbag rather than near her work, family and support network.

You beat me to it Cherry. That, exactly.

But OP is the one with the beef that he doesn’t come more regularly. If he lives 4 hours away it doesn’t take mystic meg to work out that the current setup was a likely outcome of her move

If he is unemployed and living with his mother there's no real reason why he could not look at moving closer is there? Why should the parent who didn't run off and leave her kids shape her life around the one who did?

Indeed the op (the one with full-time care of the children and a job) should move away from her support network to save the workshy, cocklodger ex a few hours driving time.

FFS.

It's not that she should move, of course she shouldn't, but if he's unemployed he perhaps moved back to his mother's because he couldn't afford to live where his kids are. And she's not shaping her life around him, she's grumbling that he only sees them in school holidays. what kind of weekends would the kids have if they had to be shipped backwards and forwards all weekends, instead of seeing friends and doing hobbies? It's far better to just see him in the holidays. It's making the best of a bad situation for the children.

Be glad he sees them at all.

Mine vanished for months at a time, used to take them occasionally in the summer holidays for a fortnight's camping, then that would be it for a year.

You can't make him see them. I know, I tried.

The OP didn't move away FFS.

But she moved to the uk after he did

Of course she should be near her support networks but he shouldn’t be surprised at how things have turned out

*she

If she followed this loser to try and make him see her children, how would she home and feed them? Because disney dad isn't going to provide any financial contribution obviously. But you know this.

How well do you get on with his mother? As she is the dc's grandmother and the ine with the house, money and control of her son, anything you could do talking to her that would lead to some maintenance and better visiting arrangements?

Let's not get away from the purpose of the OP's thread kitty which is whether it would be reasonable for her to stop her ex seeing his children because he was only doing it during holidays

It turns out he lives 4 hours away because of where OP chose to base herself when she returned to the UK when he was already living here

There is no suggestion that the holiday access isn't regular and that he is messing her about with that, but the OP does not consider that "proper visits"

IMO she would be unreasonable to stop his access given the facts above.

I agree he's hardly parent of the year. My DD's dad lived 20 minutes away and only managed to see her 3-4 times a year for a couple of hours at a time. I still didn't stop access as it was not about me and my convenience, it was about what was best for my child

Unless Peter fucking Andre's mum needs him to care for her every day, how about he finds a job nearer to where his children live? He might not be able to afford to rent a flat, but he'd be able to rent a room somewhere, even on minimum wage.

Lol at all the FFS's being chucked around here.

It's not "a few hours extra driving" though is it i-Biscuit? It is an 8 hour round trip. If he was going to do this on a weekend and take the children back to his mother's it would be 8 hours driving on a Friday and 8 on a Sunday with the children in the car for 4 of those hours each time.

So, much as op wants her ex to see more of the children, she hasn't come up with any practical solutions to the actual situation.

OP suggested an excellent compromise with the Airbnb. No 8 hour drives required.