Anyone separated/divorcing/divorced against their wishes?

[makingtime]

NC for this. This is happening to me. Short story is DH has initiated separation on basis things haven't been right for a while. I think there's still work to be done and things to save, he's checked out. It's so heartbreaking. Two small children, 4 and 6. Married 10 years. We are separated now. Divorce/permanent separation isn't a definite yet, this is a "let's see what happens with some time apart" phase.

I would so love to hear from people who've been through this me and how you coped? And give me positive stories of the future... It's destroying me and the future looks so bleak.

Anyone...?

Hi, sorry not a positive story but I could have written your post. My "DH" of 13 years announced last week that he no longer wants to be together! We have 2 dcs 3 and 1 and he's decided he doesn't love me anymore and he's "never been so lonely or bored" with his life.
I understand how hard life is at the moment (for both of us!) with 2 little ones, work etc etc, but I can't understand how he can walk out on 13years together without even wanting to try?
I'm alternating between heartbreak and extreme anger at the situation.
Sorry I Know you asked for positive stories!

It is possible there is someone else and you will find out later.

wen - that's exactly how I feel - swinging between fury and misery. It's so awful. I feel like mine and the children's lives were all mapped out and he's thrown a bomb into them and then just calmly walked away from it.

Lemon I know it's standard fare for this kind of situation, and I hope I don't end up eating my words but I really don't think there is anyone else. I've asked him outright and he didn't seem to be lying when he said no. He hasn't ever lied to me about anything that I've known about.

Men don't walk away into nothing. Xx

I know exactly what you mean making time!!!!!

He's said this and is now making plans for "his future", booking gigs, week away to Edinburgh festival. He's out tonight on the piss with his mates. Well what about me and the children????!!!!
It's like he thinks if he's single then he gets to do all these things and doesn't have to worry or participate in family life anymore.
I know for a fact there is no one else and he's not having an affair, I honestly think he's having some sort of mid life crisis, but if he thinks he can come running back to family life in a few months and everything will be the same as it was he's got another thing coming!
How old are you and your DH? If you don't mind me asking.

I know exactly what you mean making time!!!!!

He's said this and is now making plans for "his future", booking gigs, week away to Edinburgh festival. He's out tonight on the piss with his mates. Well what about me and the children????!!!!
It's like he thinks if he's single then he gets to do all these things and doesn't have to worry or participate in family life anymore.
I know for a fact there is no one else and he's not having an affair, I honestly think he's having some sort of mid life crisis, but if he thinks he can come running back to family life in a few months and everything will be the same as it was he's got another thing coming!
How old are you and your DH? If you don't mind me asking.

He might not want to tell you just yet and look worse than he already is? Why not tell you so you work on it together at least give you that chance. It's unusual to walk into nothing how does he know it won't be just as lonely and boring without you and dcs?

I'm 38 and he's 41. Classic mid life... The crazy thing is that we've been through a lot with two small children, and just when they're becoming easier (and lots more fun!) at 4 and 6 he's bailing out! Are you living apart wen? Or still in the same house?

lemon I do agree with you that men generally don't walk away into nothing. Maybe I'm totally kidding myself. I don't think I could be responsible for my actions if I found out in the future he was lying... Although in a weird, awful way, it would almost be easier if there was someone else. At least then I'd know for definite it was over (as I'd be making it so!) I think though this is a genuine case of us having had problems for a while, he's tried to pretend they're not happening and has bottled everything up and not wanted to address them together, and now it's like a volcano of stress has erupted and he's just cutting loose.

I made him leave last Saturday when he told me, I couldn't bear to have him in the house, so he went to stay with family. We are still in discussion about long term plans though as we can't afford to run two households. I don't have a solution so hoping he has one!. What about you?

We're also living apart, but he comes back some weekends to see the children - he can't have them where he's living

Yes divorcing, I didn't want it. Said the old 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line. A little later, found out he was having an affair. They usually are btw. Don't think your marriage is immune to affairs. Like you didn't see their decision to end your marriage is the same as you never thought they'd have an affair.

Lemongingertea that’s a ridiculous statement to make, and once which was said to my best friend when her husband left her. I watched her make herself ill while she tried to find proof of his ‘affair’. Months later she was medicated for anxiety and it turned out he had just left her, rented himself a little flat and got on with being single.

I was divorced against my wishes. I wouldn't sign the papers after two years apart because it wasn't 'with consent'. I made him wait the full five years.

My own little, petty, revenge.

You need to take control as you are still living with the hope he will come back.
If I were you I would start divorce proceedings and don't let him come back.
There will probably be someone else. Its deluded to think otherwise.
As you've said yourself he has checked out.
You are being played as you are being a tad naive as I once was.
He is not your friend. Go NC as much as you can then you don't have to buy into the bullshit excuses he'll use.

Why are you letting him come back at the weekends to see the kids. Forget that he's left because he wants to.
You are letting him have his cake and eat it. He can take them to a play area or whatever.
You are being a walk over. Get angry.
They all do this we'll see so they don't look so bad.
Get it into your head he has left and being nice to him wont get him back. It will just make you feel foolish.
Tell him:
You won't be waiting around for him.

He will see the kids somewhere else.

You will start divorce proceedings

Go NC give him times when kids are available by email or a different PAYG phone

Start your own social life if you can get a sitter

Plan to be more financially independant

Sitting around waiting to see what he wants is the worst thing to do.
Give him the consequences now.
The Edinburgh festival is months away. Are you really going to wait around with no urgency?
If you want him back this is the way to go. And if he doesn't you will still have your self respect. Honestly.

Why are you letting him come back at the weekends to see the kids. Forget that he's left because he wants to.
You are letting him have his cake and eat it.

Err well isn't it a jointly owned or rented house?? I just love how it suddenly becomes one persons property!!! Why would she want to wind things up any more than she is probably experiencing now

I'm not sure whether after was talking to me or to wen but you're right Marie - it's a jointly owned house, the children have the absolute right to see their father for more than a play at the park for an hour. Yes I'm hurting but I'm trying to be a grown up about this and not knee jerk into stuff I'll later regret. If he wants to end the marriage he can. In ten years time I just don't think I'm going to still care whether I got one up on him by doing the divorcing myself. I have two small children and I'm not going to make things any more acrimonious than they already are. He's done nothing wrong so far beyond tell me how he's feeling so I don't think that justifies kicking him out of his own house.

Perhaps I do still hold out the hope things might work out, if only for the children's sakes. So I can't see how I would be doing them any good at all to throw him out and make it final right now when there are still numerous things to be worked through. Some might say that's naive but I'm trying to see it as being level headed for them.

It's not necessarily the case that he's got someone else. People do walk away to nothing. I did. Unfortunately "nothing" was preferable to remaining. As I understand it (andnot a lawyer, just had some legal advice myself) If you initiate the divorce you can set the timescale somewhat in that he can't rush you to decree absolute before, e.g. financial disclosure has been completed to your satisfaction.

Would he consider Relate or some counselling? Not to change his mind just to understand what's happened and to discuss what the plan is going forward.

boot on the other foot here. I want a separation/divorce and dh doesn't. Its horrible either way. And in my scenario, I'm the bad guy for wanting to break up a marriage of 30 years, no matter how shitty it is or how unhappy i am.
sorry, hijacked thread.

Making time you're doing great, telling him he can't see the kids at yours would be solly i think. I think you're handling it just right by trying to cause minimal disruption to the kids. Going forward you may need to make other arrangements as I don't think that will help you move on but it's all so new and raw so keeping it as civil as possible and not making any major decisions right now is sensible.
A lot of men do leave marriages for ow but I think it's impossible to say every man does.
You're right all he has done is tell you he is confused and unhappy, we all feel like this at times. It doesn't mean were having affairs. It may turn out to be the case but for a complete stranger to read your post and tell you this is not fair, I think it's quite insensitive.
There may be a chance for your marriage to survive, there may not but there's nothing to gain just yet from initiating a divorce and there's nothing wrong with wanting to make it work.
Again, if in months time you're still waiting around while he is living the single life then my advice would be different but right now it's all really recent.

My oh left at the beginning of the year. We had an awful 6 months with him out drinking and building new life and ow for himself.

He like to tell anyone who will listen he didn't cheat. But the foundations were laid. I would of done anything to not be in this situation. It is shit. I love him. I love our family. Now every is fragmented and disjointed and I get to parent on a part time basis. All against my wishes.

I wish I had some pearls of wisdom. I don't at the moment. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced. And I hate him.

I wish I had something more helpful to say. Lean on people. Rant at anyone who will listen. Try and eat. See the gp if you need to and take the meds if that is what it takes to get through the early days. And seek counselling if you have the opportunity too.

I hope your path is easier and smoother than mine. X

I really lose respect for people who do this.

Firstly, have you read The Break by Marian Keyes? Get it! It's about EXACTLY THIS SITUATION. I'm reading it now and I love it.

Secondly, probably the only thing to do now is to let him feel the consequences of his actions. So "popping back some weekends" to see his children is massively unreasonable - he can start having them every other weekend. If they can't go where he is currently staying, that's not your problem, let him find somewhere else.

Then throw yourself into legal affairs: get a separation agreement drawn up legally NOW. Men's feelings cool as time goes on and he definitely 100% won't be as generous about maintenance/property in a few months' time. Please believe me.

And lastly, the hardest bit of all of this but the most important: start telling yourself that it's over. When you're still hoping for a miracle, it's impossible to be happy. As soon as you give up hope, you'll fall into grief initially but afterwards - much sooner afterwards than if you cling on - you'll start recovering.

I know how hard this is. All these lessons were learned the hard way!

I'm so sorry he's done this. I think he must have got to a very low point to have done this; he's certainly not scared of losing you. I'd show him that you're already gone.

PS anti depressants are a great idea, as they actually block your emotions to the point where you don't feel love for your DH. They are a very efficient cure for heartbreak.

When you get too scared to play hardball, imagine this situation reversed. You swan out of family life because you're "at a low point". Then you pop back in every now and again to see the kids. No decisions yet as you're "not sure yet" what you want.

What would cause you to wake up and smell the coffee? Your DH being kind and sympathetic and giving you all the time in the world? Or your DH telling you "I don't want us to split up, but I must get my life in order in case you do" and drawing up a separation agreement, childcare routine, clearing your stuff out, telling your friends and family, and generally looking like they're poised to move on with their life?