Anyone separated/divorcing/divorced against their wishes?

[makingtime]

NC for this. This is happening to me. Short story is DH has initiated separation on basis things haven't been right for a while. I think there's still work to be done and things to save, he's checked out. It's so heartbreaking. Two small children, 4 and 6. Married 10 years. We are separated now. Divorce/permanent separation isn't a definite yet, this is a "let's see what happens with some time apart" phase.

I would so love to hear from people who've been through this me and how you coped? And give me positive stories of the future... It's destroying me and the future looks so bleak.

Actually I feel my suggestions might be getting a bit too feisty now. Or are they?

What's the old cliche - you don't know what you've got till it's gone? I think your DH needs a taste of that medicine. So go as NC as you can.

But if you do only one thing, get that separation agreement drawn up, agreed and signed ASAP, really. It's vital.

You wanted positive stories - my husband walked out on me after a decade and when I was pregnant with DC4. It wasn't a happy marriage but I was devastated as I believed marriage was for ever no matter what. I divorced him under pressure and spent a long time as a single parent. Present day I am remarried and have been very, very happy for longer than I was married the first time. Years ago I realised that leaving me was the best thing my first husband did for me, and my second husband and I love and treat each other as we deserve.

Excellent posts WhatsGoingOnEh

And whoever recommended 'The Break' by Marian Keyes - not good for someone who is possibly holding on to false hope I'd say....

I really lose respect for people who do this

Why? Should he be forced to stay unhappy forever?

Yes it sucks when one person wants it to work but the OP is correct that he still owns the house so has every right to be there and they want to be civil for the children's sakes.

Men don't walk away into nothing

Of course they do. MN encourages women it's ok to leave if not happy, so why not men?

Whats so wrong about him feeling the consequences of what hes doing?
You are being too kind OP and living in false hope. Experience has made me recommend NC and sorting out child arrangements. Otherwise this will run and run until you are left feeling devastated.

I'm trying to be level headed and sensible. He hasn't done anything wrong except tell me he's not happy. I don't really think he should be "feeling the consequences" of just being honest about his feelings. If a woman was on here saying she had told her DH she was unhappy and he then booted her out of the house and said she couldn't have easy access to the children, she'd be being told her husband was being completely unreasonable.

Yes, I want to make a grand "well fuck off then" statement, but I just can't see how that will make things in any way better for the children later on?! Or us as future co-parents?

Well, you know that even if you break up there are plenty of positive stories for that future too. This stage is hard, when your plans and expectations have all been turned upside down. But there's a later stage when you have new plans. Some of which might be quite exciting, as rearranging your whole worldview can have some very positive effects too.

Make sure that you still keep sharing childcare fairly for both of you, now already, as if he does leave permanently then it won't help if he has got in the habit of seeing the kids as mainly your responsibility.

wen, how about making some plans of your own?

Has he said how much time he needs?

What is necessary is that he secures appropriate accommodation so that he can live his new reality- otherwise he really isn’t getting s feel of what life without you will be like

The scale of his actions will be huge

But whilst you are kindly cushioning that blow he will be in no rush to seek his new reality

Is he out partying? Socialising? What is he doing with his free time and money?

Can I suggest that whilst he comes to visit the children you consider going out? If he goes he will be in sole charge so he needs the experience!!

Zaphodsotherhead

Sounds bloody awful. Why do that?

Can I suggest that whilst he comes to visit the children you consider going out? If he goes he will be in sole charge so he needs the experience

i immediately thought this too - why is he getting away with being a single man while you look after the kids? Wheres YOUR time away?

Please go away for the weekends when he is seeing the DC and leave a list of chores that he will need to do...

It doesn't sound like he has any intention of making the marriage work!

OP

Has he told you why he is unhappy? Specifically?
Are you able to discuss your differences calmly and rationally together?
Is he prepared to go to a relationship counsellor? Together?

If you haven't exhausted all the options available then there is plenty more that can be done. That being said, if he's made a decision, then there is not much more you can do - even if you haven't exhausted the options. You can lead a horse to water....." and all that

I felt like doing the same thing Zaphod. I've gone through an uncontested divorce but I am really not happy with the suggestion it leaves that it was by mutual agreement.

This hasn't happened to me OP but my friend was in a similar situation. Her husband said he was unhappy and alone and that he wanted to separate. She agreed to a trial but asked him if they could use the time apart to really try and work out what was missing that was making him unhappy. They then used that discussion to talk about what changes to make. In the end he came home and they've been happy together since.

It did take a willingness on his part to seriously try and figure out what was wrong, but they went from separated (as in living apart, absolutely sure they were going to divorce) to a total return to family life, and since they have had kids and seem really happy.

I really hope it all works out for you OP - one way or another, you're going to survive and be happy again x

ravenmum
but it doesn’t.
He would be the petitioner
You the respondent

He hasn't done anything wrong except tell me he's not happy.

But he hasn't said, "I'm unhappy with XYZ, please can we work on these things." (Or has he and you haven't said?) I thought he had just announced he was unhappy, "checked out" (your words), moved out and barely saw the kids.

I don't really think he should be "feeling the consequences" of just being honest about his feelings.

Noooo, I agree. But he could feel the consequences of leaving the marriage, couldn't he? He's using his time to weigh up his options, isn't he? To decide what he wants. Or has he suggested counselling, or any other actual tangible practical steps to fix things?

If a woman was on here saying she had told her DH she was unhappy and he then booted her out of the house

Did you boot him out?

and said she couldn't have easy access to the children

We're all suggesting you get clear childcare arrangements in place! Not the current "he sees the children some weekends" easy-breezy non-plans you have now (which unfairly put all the responsibility on you).

Yes, I want to make a grand "well fuck off then" statement

You don't have to do a grand statement. But also, you do NOT have to let him disappear to naval-gaze about his unhappiness while you look after his house and his children unsupported. It's unfair.

If he's unhappy, what steps is he taking to get happy? To isolate the issues? To seek help? Is he taking anti-depressants, seeing a counsellor, starting an exercise regime, seeing a therapist?

but I just can't see how that will make things in any way better for the children later on?!

To be fair, it's not great for the kids as it is now, is it? I might he bring unfair but it's hard to know as you haven't said how often your DH is seeing the kids.

Or us as future co-parents?

I really don't think your calling him to account at this moment will affect any future co-parenting between you. Except positively, it might make him think twice about messing you around.

OP, there is kindness and generosity, and then there is walking on eggshells.

My ex was the one who had an affair. I would have liked to be the petitioner. As it was, I don't know how it is in the UK, but here we got a divorce by mutual consent as it ws cheaper.

Except positively, it might make him think twice about messing you around.
Exactly, it will at least make him think twice about simply walking all over you, doing whatever he wants as he is now.

@YellowMakesMeSmile

Why? Should he be forced to stay unhappy forever?

No of course not. :) But this is so vague. "I'm not happy," and then he's gone. That's what I find so selfish. When a couple are married, they have made an emotional and legal promise to stay together. If you want the freedom to leave, don't get married. If you get married, you can't just sod off because you're "unhappy". You have sworn to make a go of things, so at the very least you should take clear, definite steps to solve issues.

I've been really miserable lately. It would b very easy to blame my DH because he's here every day, he's sometimes annoying and I was very happy single. But I'm married, with kids. I have responsibilities. So I've taken up exercise, seen my GP and made a real effort to get more vitamins and sleep.

I didn't just waltz off. I can't. I'm married.

That's what I find lame; people who ditch their responsibilities.

I just love how it suddenly becomes one persons property!!

I agree.

Whether the man or woman initiates the separation..the advice is tell him to leave. Pack his bags. Tec

Men do leave marriages of they're unhappy.

What a sweeping statement to make.