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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Beside myself..have fucked up massively

34 replies

Saltfish · 24/02/2018 16:07

Currently been dating an alcoholic for the past 6 months and today things came to a head, I am absolutely ashamed and really hate myself right now..

For some context, we are both female, she has never had a relationship with a woman before but pursued me and we ended up spending most our time together though the relationship hasn’t really been sexual that much.

She has been an alcoholic for 6 years(and is a former meth addict) and tried to clean her act up but has relapsed many times. In the course of our relationship she has invited her ex over while drunk (WHILE I WAS THERE) because he was “suicidal.” She had previously used this ex to make me very jealous and I felt like there was some triangulation going on..That night I left immediately and she reeled her way back in again within a week. She’s very good at making me feel guilty and like I’m the one who is mean..This is just the tip of the iceberg of fucked up shit I’ve put up with..it really is all my fault.

I have spent so much money, time, and effort trying to help her get her life back on track, I am a classic codependent enabler. I really hate myself for it. I do all her laundry, clean her house, feed her, but her clothes and basically mother her. Her family aren’t speaking to her so I guess I feel bad.

Last night I decided to stay at my friends because there was a lot of snow coming(I’m in the US) and I told her and wished her a good night. Her response seemed like she was pissed but I just wanted to sleep so didn’t want to start a fight and just went to bed.

I later received a text at 2am saying hope youre having fun which I responded to a couple hours later so she rang me...drunk. She said she’d been to the bar and some guy had come home with her to see her pets. She put him on the phone to me. I asked if he knew she had a gf he said no but he was just having a beer seeing the pets then getting an Uber. She of course says that she spoke about me all night which is total bullshit. I believe him over her.

I have reached my limit at this point. I said I would come get my stuff in the AM and we were through. So I went to her house she’s laying in her bed, and I just felt enraged. She was supposed to be at her new job at 6 am and it was 9...I poured beer all over her head she pushed me and it escalated from there. Pretty sure I threw her phone...she told me I was a cunt and no one liked me.

All this over a 6 month relationship. I am so ashamed of myself and have no one else to blame but me. I really just want to disappear right now..I really loved her. How can I make things right with what I’ve done?

OP posts:
OrangeCarpet · 24/02/2018 16:11

Cut all contact with her and get yourself some therapy.

SomeKnobend · 24/02/2018 16:13

You can't. She's in no place to be in any kind of relationship until she sorts herself out. Just leave her completely alone, block every communication and just don't contact her again. No good can come of this. And raise your standards.

Original poster
Saltfish · 24/02/2018 16:21

I have tried so hard to block her through text and she will always find a way through. She even calls my work. I guess I am her meal ticket. The guilt reels me back in. I feel like I’m all she’s got.

It’s all so immature, especially on my part.

I’ve been going to al anon but i have no insurance over here and am going to school for nursing so not much if any spare cash for counseling. How did I even get involved with her? I should’ve known better...

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 24/02/2018 16:30

If she calls you at work hang up on her. Keep doing that until she stops.

Itssosunny · 24/02/2018 16:37

Cut it off completely and right now. She is a parasite.

Itssosunny · 24/02/2018 16:37

Gosh, I feel bad for being that harsh.

JoJoSM2 · 24/02/2018 16:41

I agree to cutting contact and gettno yourself therapy. It's not healthy to be desperately pursuing such people and seeking out to make your own life hell.

ShiftyMcGifty · 24/02/2018 16:42

You’re in the US so a restraining order and threatening her wig harassment (and calling a sheriff out if she is pounding on your unopened door and won’t go away) and hell of a lot easier and simple than here in UK. Use the many resources you have.

ShiftyMcGifty · 24/02/2018 16:42

With not wig. But that would be kinda funny

OnlyAmy · 24/02/2018 16:44

It doesn't really matter, man or woman, straight or gay, almost everyone has spent time with someone who is a bad fit. How many times have we looked at a friend, co-worker, relative and said "why does she put up with it?", while putting up with stuff in our own lives? You deserve to be happy, you deserve to forgive yourself. Take a little time to grieve, lick your wounds and re-direct your energy to something that will bring you joy and happiness. And, don't let her back into your life, at all. At all. Just let go.

Dozer · 24/02/2018 16:47

End all contact and stop all dating until did you have worked through your issues with relationships: a relationship with someone with multiple addictions who was not sober was obviously going to be a disaster and it was a massive mistake to get involved.

Bluebelle38 · 24/02/2018 16:58

Stop trying to save her. She had to save herself.byes,vtbis a messed up situation, but his knows there are plenty worse on here.

Get out of this mess for good, get into therapy for your codelendeny issues and get the book "Women that love too much". This happened for a reason. Be glad it did.

Bluebelle38 · 24/02/2018 17:00

Yes, this is a messed up situation* and
God knows there are plenty worse on here*

Lifeisabeach09 · 24/02/2018 17:05

The college you go to should have counselling services.

MadMags · 24/02/2018 17:05

This is beyond toxic.

Stop taking her calls, at work or otherwise.

Pouring beer on someone and things “escalating” is disgusting! Don’t be that person.

Lifeisabeach09 · 24/02/2018 17:05

Cut her off. Go non-contact.

Original poster
Saltfish · 24/02/2018 17:11

Thank you all so much for your kind words, I’m just really upset things got physical. It’s been so on and off I guess I only have myself to blame. Her best friend has messaged me asking if she has been drinking cuz she had asked her to call in for her(she’d recently gotten my exdp a job at her work)..I was honest and told her the whole story and she said she’s done being on the receiving end of her treatment and won’t be in contact. A few minutes later she said my ex called her with her ex the one she invited round while I was there) in the background. God I felt so bad but now I’m just angry. She’s a loser...

OP posts:
Dozer · 24/02/2018 18:20

Think less about the failings of your addict ex and reflect more on your own choices and actions.

TheWickerWoman · 24/02/2018 22:45

You sound like a really nice person and because you are a really nice person you have done all you can for this lady and now you feel bad.

You can’t do anymore, start putting yourself first and don’t feel bad, it’s not you.., it’s her.

Isetan · 25/02/2018 06:26

Think less about the failings of your addict ex and reflect more on your own choices and actions.

This

PilatesSuck · 25/02/2018 07:12

You cannot change her. You cant rescue her. She is an alcoholic and isn't capable of a relationship or of being who you want. All you can do is cut her off and think about why you went into a relationship with someone like that.

AjasLipstick · 25/02/2018 07:48

She's the female version of a cock lodger...a fanny lodger but you're not even getting any!

So she's just a sponge. She's not even engaging as a partner with you because she's probably not even a lesbian op.

She's seen a weak spot in you, honed in and is using you until you're of no further use.

You can BET your bottom dollar that if you were suddenly unable to provide, she'd dump you. Dropped like a hot potato.

Don't speak to her again.

springydaff · 25/02/2018 07:53

Go to [[http://coda.org/CoDA]

You'll be glad you did Flowers

springydaff · 25/02/2018 07:54

CoDA

MrsMozart · 25/02/2018 08:01

Walk away or accept that your life is going to go down the plug hole.

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