Beside myself..have fucked up massively

[Saltfish]

Currently been dating an alcoholic for the past 6 months and today things came to a head, I am absolutely ashamed and really hate myself right now..

For some context, we are both female, she has never had a relationship with a woman before but pursued me and we ended up spending most our time together though the relationship hasn’t really been sexual that much.

She has been an alcoholic for 6 years(and is a former meth addict) and tried to clean her act up but has relapsed many times. In the course of our relationship she has invited her ex over while drunk (WHILE I WAS THERE) because he was “suicidal.” She had previously used this ex to make me very jealous and I felt like there was some triangulation going on..That night I left immediately and she reeled her way back in again within a week. She’s very good at making me feel guilty and like I’m the one who is mean..This is just the tip of the iceberg of fucked up shit I’ve put up with..it really is all my fault.

I have spent so much money, time, and effort trying to help her get her life back on track, I am a classic codependent enabler. I really hate myself for it. I do all her laundry, clean her house, feed her, but her clothes and basically mother her. Her family aren’t speaking to her so I guess I feel bad.

Last night I decided to stay at my friends because there was a lot of snow coming(I’m in the US) and I told her and wished her a good night. Her response seemed like she was pissed but I just wanted to sleep so didn’t want to start a fight and just went to bed.

I later received a text at 2am saying hope youre having fun which I responded to a couple hours later so she rang me...drunk. She said she’d been to the bar and some guy had come home with her to see her pets. She put him on the phone to me. I asked if he knew she had a gf he said no but he was just having a beer seeing the pets then getting an Uber. She of course says that she spoke about me all night which is total bullshit. I believe him over her.

I have reached my limit at this point. I said I would come get my stuff in the AM and we were through. So I went to her house she’s laying in her bed, and I just felt enraged. She was supposed to be at her new job at 6 am and it was 9...I poured beer all over her head she pushed me and it escalated from there. Pretty sure I threw her phone...she told me I was a cunt and no one liked me.

All this over a 6 month relationship. I am so ashamed of myself and have no one else to blame but me. I really just want to disappear right now..I really loved her. How can I make things right with what I’ve done?

Sorry to hurt your feelings but I suspect she's not even lesbian/seeing you as a relationship partner. She sees you as, as you said, a meal ticket. The relationship/romance was the way to snare you as said meal ticket.

You said the sexual side of the 'relationship' was v inactive, and she seems to be involved with men quite a bit- the ex, the guy she took home etc.

Some people will do this - particularly sociopathic users.

As others have said, use what's available to get rid if her, don't make any excuses for not getting rid of her. She is, as another poster said, a parasite and I'd suspect she's fking guys behind your back.

Her family aren't speaking to her because they've had enough.

I spoke with her best friend last night..
I’ve found out the following...

I’d dumped her awhile ago and that same night I get a text from her saying her son had tried to kill himself and was in ICU and may not make it. I have never met her son but was beside myself as he’s only 18...that was a lie.

She’s lied about being in the hospital before after I dumped her on another occasion.

Another lie...She also told her friend I was suicidal over her and psycho. I have cried over her once and always just block her. Not once have I ever been suicidal over her, I was always the one doing the dumping.

I know I need to focus on myself and not her actions but jfc she’s a fecking cunt! It’s beyond boring and I’m mad at myself for always going back. I’ve already been to al anon. Well aware of my victim mentality. But coda will probably help in addition. Just need to find a good group that fits in with my work schedule.

Get out and give yourself a MASSIVE pat on the back that you got yourself into a mad situation for only 6 months x glass half full my friend...

The fantacism and lying.... Sounds like possibly borderline personality disorder

Oh yeah I suspected bpd..with alcoholism.
I’m not even sad to be honest. Just gotta work on myself now. Thanks for the lovely replies! It’s really helped a ton...

There is too much going on in her life that you can't help with. Leave her. Its not your problem now and this will only continue to drain every ounce of strength you have.

I agree with the others. What’s happened has happened and you can’t change that but you can make the change now and that’s a good, positive thing to do. Don’t engage with her at all. Delete, block, hang up, whatever it takes. Just no, no, no, every time.

Forget about making things right in the relationship.

Run for the hills. Don't look back. Save yourself. Life is too short.
I can't think of any more cliches, but I'm sure you get the gist.

Please invest in some therapy to figure out why you were such an easy mark for someone so troubled.