Why can't I get over this man? Constructive advice please.

[runnerbean09]

We only dated for three months!

Met online, I had been doing OLD for about 2 years and only met one other person I really liked. Some messing around with men but no one I could see a future with.

Then I met this guy and we were very attracted to each other. He also seemed keen - he did what he said he would, took me out a lot etc. Then I thought his interest was fading but tried to ignore it. Stuff like forgetting my birthday, not messaging me, not making plans for us. The final straw was seeing he had updated his profile online. So I ended it before Christmas.

We haven’t been in contact but I can’t get over it. I’m still crying every day! I feel really sad and depressed and I miss having someone and something to look forward to.

I presume I did something wrong because he was really keen then backed off but I don’t know what - he says I didn’t and that he hasn’t got time for a relationship but I don’t buy into that.

I think dating would probably make me feel better but I reject everyone that isn’t like him and also what’s the point when it never works out - I can’t even sustain someone who is really keen!

Not sure what to do anymore but I don’t want to be alone forever although it seems pointless to try with anyone else. I’ve stopped thinking of myself as someone who deserves or is capable of being in a relationship but I’m only 28!

What can I do to feel better?

Rationally I think he had other issues going on;

• couldn't see himself ever getting married or having kids
• did a lot of recreational drugs (coke)
• just moved to the area for work and hated it
• also lived in another city and went there every weekend (I went with him a few times so wasn't married)

He just seemed to go from into it to out of it in a few days.

It was my birthday and he claimed to have forgotten but I don't see how. I was actually at his house on my birthday. He took me for dinner later on in the week but I feel like maybe it made him realise he didn't want the pressure of having to think about another person.

After that things went quickly downhill.

It's not usual to be upset no, but to still be crying daily, weeks later is obviously unusual. Why won't you meet anyone again your only 28?

You'll never ever get a coke head to settle down so consider it a lucky escape!

I'm fine in the day but in the evenings I just start thinking about it all and end up hating myself for what I did wrong. Everyone around me is getting into relationships and I just can't manage it. The thought of dating again is so hideously depressing. It's a struggle to find anyone let alone all the hurt that comes with it.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape tbh!

Runnerbean, I think the best way is to aim for a busy, happy life outside of dating first. Eg, focus on friends and hobbies. If your friends are all settling down, then meet up is a great way to go out and do new stuff.

2 years of online dating would be enough to finish anyone off and it's good to take a break and take the dating pressure off.

I don't think that it's over keen to expect birthday and to be treated well. However this guy just sounds like the typical online dating type - there's so much choice they don't put the effort in and move on (not all of them).

You, op, sound like you're carrying baggage from something else, and you need to get to the bottom of that. You'll never meet anyone if you're determined that you won't. You can't expect someone else to change your life. Perhaps look into counselling?

OLD may be too brutal if you feel this way.

It’s like a candy shop for people wanting to take the good bits like the laughs & sex without the monotony of anything longer. The moment there’s a whiff of neediness, they’re off to their next conquest.

Hey, I've had experiences like you where you think you've met someone great and they're all really keen on you and then bam they're gone... it's annoying, hurtful but you get over it eventually, it's happened to all of us & sometimes you do think will I ever find someone like that again... but the problem with that is you've put them on a pedestal and you're thinking more about how the relationship could of been so become more upset that this fantasy didn't play out.

Firstly, you seem to be focusing on the lack of love and great men around, that's a sure way to just attract more lack of. Ignore whoever said there's not many great men left that's a load of crap and very negative. Focus on yourself and self love and yeah perhaps go see someone as to why you think you have no hope at the age of 28 because you have plenty of time to find someone greater.

I played a lot of games at the start as is expected

This is shite. Don't do this next time.

40yo Coke head? You are 28. You can do better.

It was 3 months. Try not to get too invested in relationships in the first three months, if it makes it past three months then it has potential. That's what I have found. I've been there, getting serious in the first three months then it just fizzles out. Don't play games. Its pointless. Just be yourself.

Just try and let go. Don't give up on dating, just keep at it. You are only 28, still plenty of time to find someone.

He probably wasn't ready to commit and a serial player so nothing to do with you. Don't over think it.

why would you ever want a serious r-ship (and especially kids if that's what you want) with a long term coke user, who's also much older than you which possibly means he could manipulate you quite well OP? It's madness.
Is your type a 'bad boy'? If so, a bit of counselling would help because you need to choose the right type of man - who wants the same as you - an LTR, but they may seem 'boring' to you.

Essentially you may need to change your taste - I know it's not easy but if you don't, you'll be stuck with commitment-phobes.

I've been told on several occasions by male friends that those who aren't willing to embark on a serious relationship are very aware that women in their late twenties are, I quote, 'ticking biological clocks'. They claim that women of your age want the whole package and therefore these men step away as their needs just aren't compatible.

I think in the light of this over simplistic viewpoint (which has, nevertheless, some truth attached to it) you did amazingly well if he hung around for a whole three months.

Plus, seriously, runnerbean take it from a 49 year old; you will meet other decent men after 28. It does sound a little pitying on your part to say: it seems pointless to try again with anyone else.

Hiya OP - I get it. I had a similar short (but intense in terms of the time we spent together) relationship a while back and ended up being broken for a while.
First off, from what you've written about him I can tell you that you deserve so much more than what he offered you.
Secondly, start listening to upbeat songs by strong women (Beyoncé has got me through every break up ever) and remember that you're awesome.
Thirdly (echoing PPs) don't bother with the mind games. If you meet someone worth being with you won't need them.
Lastly, don't set your own value on being in a relationship. I gave up and decided to start doing things that interested me. That way you might find someone with the same interests.
Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon

OP ignore all the people saying it must be your fault. The thing with OLD is that you have to learn not to take anything too personally. All these men who flake out, disappear or reject you, most of the time it's due to their own issues which you have no idea about. Maybe he's still hung up over his ex. Maybe he's just a player. Maybe he has a gf. You'll never know and trying to work it out is just pointless (but a very normal thing to do).

I don't think you can come on too strong with the right person as they'd be happy you were reciprocating. Also, you wouldn't need to play any games. It would feel easy right from the start. Sorry you're feeling so crap. So what if it was only 3 months. It was a connection that you hadn't felt in a long time.

After sex we release hormones that create attachment feelings for our partner- women release more and for longer roughly 2 weeks whereas men 48 hours.

Men tend to withdraw after sex women the opposite. It's not that he is sexually not attracted as he wouldn't have gone there but simply biology. Men want to spread their seed and only if in his mind he feels that he wants a relationship will he put the effort in but that can't be with every woman he sleeps with I guess.

This is why OLD works for men literally too much available good women for potential sex. Only if they feel strongly about anyone in particular will they actually bother for a relationship. Men can calmly walk away after sex.

Sounds like you pinned too much hope on this one guy. You’re not grieving the loss of him, you’re grieving the loss of a future you’d imagined.

Why do you think you’ll never meet anyone else? Have you had any long term relationships previously?

I get it. I really liked someone I met OLD and really hoped it would work out. It didn't and it crushed my confidence, I can look back and wish I did this or that differently and maybe... However the man I liked really was afaik a really decent guy...

You can find reasons that your ex was not a decent guy - which appears to me that you're not mourning the loss of him so much as the loss of a relationship and all the hopes and dreams you may have had for any relationship

28 is an average age for meeting someone and marrying or having a child... so you are certainly not too old to do either if you wish.

I personally think it's damaged your confidence - that's normal, for anyone who gets dumped

But you're more attached to the idea of him than him... and if you allow yourself to heal, someone will be able to come and fill those shoes in a better way

I get the comparison thing too... I haven't met anyone who has lived up to my ex yet, but that's because I haven't healed. I've met plenty of nice people it's just I don't give them a chance as I'm still not over him

@runnerbean09

I think the point is , that by needing to play the 'I'm going to pretend I'm not that interested in you' games .... shows that you were overly invested overly quickly.

Imo life isn't about getting and keeping a man. Life is about living it, having fun, enjoying yourself, investing in you, investing in friends, other people.

Not meeting a guy and investing in him so quickly that you're playing mind games to make sure he doesn't know that you're investing in him too quickly.

Does this make sense? I'm not being critical but men aren't stupid ( although with many of them you'd think .....😂) But they aren't stupid. They can read the energy , they can smell the desperation.

Draw a line, start over. Become someone who genuinely doesn't give a toss if he calls because youre too damn busy having fun to mind.

You should be weeping with relief that you only wasted 3 months in this guy and that you didn't get pregnant. There something slightly pathetic and seedy about a 40 year old still skulking round scoring coke like he is Mr Hollywood. I honestly doubt you did anything wrong - take him at his word when he says he is not ready for a relationship.

It is normal to feel sad and lonely, but it sounds like you are projecting all of those feelings onto him, when on paper he doesn't sound like that great of a prospect anyway. What were the things that you enjoyed? Hiw can you get those things without him.

One of the things I have found and seen in people who have really great relationships, is how easy it is. When you meet the right person, it just clicks - there are no games, you can be open to be yourself - your insecurities and weaknesses as well as all your amazing qualities. It doesn't sound like you had that with him at all.

I hope you can put him out of your mind and move on. 28 is still pretty young, but you are always too young to settle.

It’s hard to tell from your posts alone but I wonder if what happened with you is what happened with all his girlfriends?
He is proactive, shows lots of interest, is charming.. then the other person falls for him and of course so enjoys having this in their life. And then he realises that actually thinking about someone else gets in the way of leading his life the way he wants. He doesn’t want to have to make an effort for someone’s birthday, make compromises etc. So he ends it.
He doesn’t want to be in a real partnership but he also doesn’t want to be totally alone so has a series of girlfriends.

You are 28. Do you want to get married one day and have kids?
If so, then this guy would have always been a waste of your time. You said he can’t see himself getting married or having children. And he’s 40 so you might expect this won’t change.

I spent years with someone who didn’t ultimately want the same things.
You think you liked this guy so much but i’d question why.
He doesn’t sound that great at all.. ie. the coke taking. And he didn’t even behave in a decent way to you, ie. did things (eg update his profile!) so you would get the message he wasn’t interested as opposed to just tell you nicely.
What do you like about a man like that?
Don’t you want someone who is kind, decent and doesn’t struggle with the concept of having to care about someone else?

I think the whole process of getting excited, someone being keen, charming, and then going off you can leave you in this weird place where you crave them back, idealise them and prone to projections as to how great the relationship could of been. Instead of seeing actually who that person was.

Maybe I’m waffling rubbish!
I met my partner in my 30s. I like you hardly ever like anyone. But I do really think 28 is way too young to feel like you will never meet anyone, though I totally get the feeling. It sounds as though you do need a break from dating though. Perhaps it’s more worthwhile to focus your time on doing things for yourself, developing some more hobbies/skills. Ideally some things with more social aspects to them that might expand the range of people you meet and if one day some guy catches your eye then great.

I don't think it's that weird to be upset for quite a while when someone treats you badly. The whole OLD setup is horrible, tell me that again when I'm putting myself through it, but at the moment I hope not to bother again with a relationship. However, I'm 20 years older than you and only recently single so I may well feel differently in the future.

This feeling that he was your last chance though - that is strange. I barely even grew up until I was 30 - I'm sure you're more mature than me (not hard) but still 28 is extremely young. When did your mum settle down? My mum married at 24 and I married literally the first man I could get to sit still long enough after that age as I felt that I must be married by then. Not surprisingly it was not a good choice.

Work on yourself. What do you want out of a relationship. Someone who doesn't play games, respects birthdays, is kind and doesn't let people down? I can tell that much from your posts. What else? Then go and do fun things - volunteer, climb the career ladder, study, travel, follow your bliss. That way happiness lies and nothing brings the boys to the yard like a truly happy woman.

I dated a lot before I met my husband. This is what I learned:

1. take it all with a pinch of salt for the first 3 months
   They can be talking marriage and all sorts for the first three months, but it’s not you they are into - they barely know you - it’s a construct of you in their heads. After about three months they start to get to know you and if their construct doesn’t match reality, it all goes tits up. This is a bigger risk if you are attractive I reckon as they’re more likely to project their idea of womanly perfection onto someone they think is hot. And their idea of perfection may be someone totally different personality wise to you (which is not your fault, it’s just who you are....more outgoing, less outgoing, whatever)
   So my advice would be try and keep an emotional distance for at least three months. Don’t commit.

2. it can be as upsetting, if not more so, to break up with someone after only 3 months as you haven’t seen all their faults/incompatibilities yet. Remember you don’t really know them either

3. best way to get over someone? Get back out there and date some more