Trigger warning - Please can you (gently) talk me out of something

[Astarael]

This has reared it’s head again after I posted in a thread in AIBU earlier. It’s a bit long sorry!

When I was 17 I had a boyfriend. We weren’t together a very long time but we had fallen very hard for each other. He went abroad for work for a fixed term contract and we were very certain that we would stay together. We’d have the long phone calls every night and sent each other gifts regularly. I really loved him.

While he was away I had a really traumatic miscarriage. I hadn’t known I was pregnant - I’d always had very irregular periods and I’d had a couple while I was pregnant so had no idea. Trigger warning bit - I gave birth to a tiny fetus at home which was so painful and terrifying for me at that age. My mum took me to the hospital in shock.

I was told how far along they thought I’d been. And the number of weeks put it before I met my boyfriend. I’d had a one night stand a few weeks before, there’d been a condom rip and I’d taken the morning after pill but realised (incorrectly) that it must have been that guy’s baby.

I remember the phone call where I told my boyfriend about it and I remember him asking if it was his baby. I’m a very honest person so said it wasn’t from the dates.

A week later he broke up with me. He was lovely about it but said that he just couldn’t cope with the idea that I’d been pregnant with someone else’s baby the entire time. I was completely devastated.

Fast forward about six years and I was TTC with my now Ex-H. I bought pregnancy books and learned for the first time that they date pregnancies from the first day of your last period. I know it seems stupid to not have known that before. It felt like a punch to the stomach and I realised that the baby had almost certainly been my boyfriend’s all along.

Back then I was married and got pregnant with my DD so it should have been irrelevant but even then I struggled with it. Fast forward to now and I am divorced and alone (happily so most of the time I hasten to add).

Basically, I struggle with knowing that the reason he broke up with me didn’t exist. And that maybe, just maybe, if it had been his he wouldn’t have broken up with me. Separately to that, it actually upsets me that he never knew it was his.

I know this whole story makes me seem really silly and young even now - I’m actually nearly 30 now.

Every now and then I look at his Facebook profile and consider contacting him and telling him the truth. Logically I know that no good would come out of it. He’s married with kids - the information would likely mean nothing to him.

So I’m asking for advice on how to resolve this thing within myself so that I can come to terms with it.

Please be kind.

He has a right to know that he has a child, and your child has a right to know who their father is.

I think you need to try to accept that this isn't relevant anymore, in the nicest way, you will gain nothing from contacting him.

It seems like you have some unresolved issues about the miscarriage and maybe some counselling would help

He doesn't have a child @loveyou; the op miscarried

Hello xxx firstly, I'm really sorry to read all that. What a thing to go through xxx

It's a,aging isn't my it, how we can be so stable and well behaved the majority of the time, and then something happens to turn life upside down, and two men have been involved and you wonder and aren't sure whose it might be..... x your situation was different as you were young and single with the first guy, but it's amazing how often these things can happen in good lives.

Firstly, I sense a bit of self blame? For a youngster as you say, very naive about cycles and dates and so on.

You did right to be honest with him back then, so well done for that.

As to whether you should tell him, I'm leaning toward both yes and no, helpfully! Yes because it would set the record straight and perhaps he deserves to know. But no because he is living with a woman who loves him and they have kids? And this news would basically displace her from being the first to have carried his baby. So quite upsetting news for them.

I'd sit on it for a while, come to terms with it yourself. Perhaps she already knows, as part of his life story, and the truth wouldn't be so bad in the end? The truth is the truth and can't ever really be improved upon xxx

Hugs x

He has a right to know that he has a child, and your child has a right to know who their father is

He doesn't have a child!!! He was father of the miscarried baby

@loveyoutothemoon I think you've misunderstood.

No advice but you are stuck on the if's, buts's and maybe's.

I think you are looking back at him through rose tinted specs. He was judgmental and dismissive of you. He had rigid criteria for a suitable partner and regarded you as having failed them - purely for something that happened before you even met him.
He sounds the sort of man who regards a partner’s body as his property, and doesn’t like the idea of a previous tenant.
Why would you want this callous person back in your life? He’s not even available, as he’s now married.
I think you need to give yourself a hug, decide that you deserve someone more loving and compassionate than this cold chap, and start dating again. But only when you’ve had some time alone to sort out your own emotions first. I think you had a lucky escape!
Good luck!

There’s no reason to tell him. Have you stayed in touch over the years? Nothing will be gained from telling him and it may upset the family life he has now if you get in touch out of the blue.

I think it still casts him in a poor light. He didn't want to be with you because he couldn't cope with the idea you'd
had sex with someone else before the relationship even started? I wouldn't rake things up by telling him. You're better off without.

Please don't contact him. It would be seriously weird and in all honesty it's really insane. Just leave it.

To clarify - I do have a DD but she was born years later and is my Ex-Hs.

I’ve had counselling shoxfordian mainly due to the breakdown of the abusive marriage with Ex-H. I actually met him quite soon after this episode in my life when I was really very vulnerable. I did discuss this in counselling and thought it was dealt with but it still crops up in my head every now and then.

I think that my issue with it is this sense of ‘injustice’ as in - if he’d known the truth and it had still not worked out then I’d find that easier to deal with. If that makes any sense at all? I didn’t have these ‘what if’ feelings until after I realised my mistake on the dating of pregnancies.

Babdoc you make a very good point about rose tinted specs. I know logically that the relationship would likely have petered out anyway due to our ages (I was 17, he 20). I also hadn’t thought about it being an ‘ownership of my body’ thing. But you’re right aren’t you - I hadn’t cheated, whatever had happened had happened before him.

I just want to say as well, my intention would absolutely not be to try and get him back.

Try for your own good to Forget about it and move on your lives have moved on how many years ago was this?

No real good could come of it but I can see how you want him to think more kindly towards the past. Since he is married I wouldn't as it would be a bit unfair and you dont know his situation. Maybe one day if ever he is single again but even then, sometimes the past is best left there. Sorry though as this must be upsetting and raises all the what ifs for you.

It's still possible it was your ONS's baby. But it's irrelevant now. Don't contact him and try to move on with your life.

'I think it still casts him in a poor light. He didn't want to be with you because he couldn't cope with the idea you'd
had sex with someone else before the relationship even started? I wouldn't rake things up by telling him. You're better off without.'

Oh, c'mon, he was twenty. It's now been years and he's married with two kids.

I’m so sorry. The what if. Perhaps this was your first love. Be kind to yourself. Others are right, he didn’t meet the criteria of a loving long term partner.

Please don't tell him. The information can do him no good and could unsettle his marriage for no possible good. It is twelve or thirteen years ago now; leave it alone.

Babdoc If he believed - and it seems he did, due to the OP's error - that she knew was pg by somebody else during the relationship I can see why he could not cope with that. I suppose you could say that every man and every woman who expects a relationship to be exclusive is asserting "ownership" over the other person's body.

I think you had a lucky escape form a callous twat.

You had a miscarriage and all he was bothered about was the fact it wasn't his ?

I can understand why you are upset over this, but honestly no good can come of telling him this. He's moved on, with a wife and kids. You two are no longer together and haven't been for many years. Accept the fact that's its in the past and you can't change it.

Don't tell him. He's married with kids - what good would it do? It would be so unfair to his current family for you to crop up like that.

Thank you to everybody who has been so kind. You are all right - nothing good would come of it. And the last thing I would want to do would be causing issues.

I need to come to terms with it all myself. But every time it crops up in my head I just think about how it’s been 12 fucking years - why is this still bothering me!

Any suggestions for how to bury the ‘what ifs’ for good would be most welcome!

I really am pretty ‘together’ generally. Well respected in my work with a professional job. Juggling that with being the best mum I can be to my little girl. I’m managing to find comfort in my independence and singleness as well. I don’t want anyone to think I’m crying myself to sleep every night or anything!

You can't have been together very long a few months? He probably doesn't even think about you sorry but just being honest.

Counselling?

I know the feeling you are dealing with - And all the what if's ..

I have very little advice but this:

If you had known, and had told him, and you had stayed together, who knows how life would have been. But you wouldn't have your DD. And that's pretty much all that matters. Everything that has happened, happened for a reason because you are where you were meant to be now.

I wouldn't tell him. Sure, if you were still in contact, speaking regularly and so on. But you are not. And some things are best left in the past ♥️

Sucks doesn’t it anonymouser hope you’re ok. And you are of course right - i would never have wanted to not have my wonderful DD.

I am aware that that is a distinct possibility ThisLittleKitty and I actually hope he doesn’t think about me (although that stings a bit) because that would mean he was happy in his marriage.

OP - are you sure you aren’t just subconsciously looking for a reason to reconnect?
Now that you are on your own, and maybe feel a little lonely.
And the memory of first love - it’s strong with anyone.

It’s highly unlikely that your relationship would have survived anyway. By his action then - it’s clear that he wasn’t mature or self confident in it - so - something else would have come up.

He doesn’t really ‘need’ to know about a possibility that it might have been his. Bc it’s just that - a possibility.
And yes - it’s sad that in your head that question would always remain - What If.... but there is no answer.

For what it’s worth - I am actually the kind of person who does ‘keep in touch’ with some of my exes. Not in any active way - more in very infrequent - how are you - sort of way. And some are FB friends - so we see each other’s kids grow up, etc. None live in the UK right now - so it’s easy to keep it at arms lengths.
My philosophy on that - is that if we were good friends while we dated - when the romantic part is gone - the bits that connected us as friends are still there. And it’s true with a couple of my exes.

BUT, and the big ‘but’ is important here - I don’t have any regrets or anything unfinished with them.

It’s not your situation.
🤷🏻‍♀️