Trigger warning - Please can you (gently) talk me out of something

[Astarael]

This has reared it’s head again after I posted in a thread in AIBU earlier. It’s a bit long sorry!

When I was 17 I had a boyfriend. We weren’t together a very long time but we had fallen very hard for each other. He went abroad for work for a fixed term contract and we were very certain that we would stay together. We’d have the long phone calls every night and sent each other gifts regularly. I really loved him.

While he was away I had a really traumatic miscarriage. I hadn’t known I was pregnant - I’d always had very irregular periods and I’d had a couple while I was pregnant so had no idea. Trigger warning bit - I gave birth to a tiny fetus at home which was so painful and terrifying for me at that age. My mum took me to the hospital in shock.

I was told how far along they thought I’d been. And the number of weeks put it before I met my boyfriend. I’d had a one night stand a few weeks before, there’d been a condom rip and I’d taken the morning after pill but realised (incorrectly) that it must have been that guy’s baby.

I remember the phone call where I told my boyfriend about it and I remember him asking if it was his baby. I’m a very honest person so said it wasn’t from the dates.

A week later he broke up with me. He was lovely about it but said that he just couldn’t cope with the idea that I’d been pregnant with someone else’s baby the entire time. I was completely devastated.

Fast forward about six years and I was TTC with my now Ex-H. I bought pregnancy books and learned for the first time that they date pregnancies from the first day of your last period. I know it seems stupid to not have known that before. It felt like a punch to the stomach and I realised that the baby had almost certainly been my boyfriend’s all along.

Back then I was married and got pregnant with my DD so it should have been irrelevant but even then I struggled with it. Fast forward to now and I am divorced and alone (happily so most of the time I hasten to add).

Basically, I struggle with knowing that the reason he broke up with me didn’t exist. And that maybe, just maybe, if it had been his he wouldn’t have broken up with me. Separately to that, it actually upsets me that he never knew it was his.

I know this whole story makes me seem really silly and young even now - I’m actually nearly 30 now.

Every now and then I look at his Facebook profile and consider contacting him and telling him the truth. Logically I know that no good would come out of it. He’s married with kids - the information would likely mean nothing to him.

So I’m asking for advice on how to resolve this thing within myself so that I can come to terms with it.

Please be kind.

It sounds like this was a very traumatic experience which led you into another traumatic experience.
Maybe you think it will help to resolve some of these issues by telling him but have you considered whether you are prepared to deal with his response, whatever it may be? It might help to think about all the possible responses he may have to the news and then consider how you might feel about them.

It does feel very unresolved and I understand why you can't just let it go, to think someone was a father to your baby and didn't even know but some things have to remain unresolved because the consequences of bringing it up again could be worse for you or him.

I’d like to say no Josuk but I’m not 100% sure. And that in itself is one of the reasons I think it would be such a bad idea.

I have exes I’m friendly with too but there’s no trauma there just fizzling out.

I know consciously that there has been too much trauma.

thislittlepiggy1 I have done that and every possible response I’ve thought of (including no response) would just add or compound issues.

I need to let it go.

Firstly I'm very sorry for what you went through.

I realise you are asking for help with the 'what if' side of it but wondered if it might help you to write your ex a letter but not to send it. Possibly it might release some of the emotion you feel about it which may help in some way.

In terms of the 'what if' as others have said at such a young age the relationship would probably have come to an end for a different reason. If you had stayed together you would not have your daughter and she means more than a past relationship.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of his reaction you needed support and instead of supporting you he ended it. He didn't treat you the way he should have done and you deserved better.

Take care.

Any suggestions for how to bury the ‘what ifs’ for good would be most welcome!

By reminding yourself that, even though he was fairly young, his reason for breaking up with you was pretty horrid, and gives you a fairly good idea of the kind of person he is likely to have actually been.

How disgusting - you went through a horrible event, and the thing that was most important to him was some nasty and fairly misogynistic idea of you 'all along' being sort of 'someone else got there first'. Yuk! Also the making it all about him, and then actually dumping you - sorry, yes he was young but he sounds a nasty self-obsessed empathy-free zone. You would almost certainly have learned this, and broken up. 'He was lovely about it' - no, no, being lovely about your partner having an absolutely traumatic miscarriage does not include even thinking about breaking up with them because, 'someone else's baby'.

That's how you bury the what ifs. It's really not very likely that he was a lovely person after all. Quite the opposite.

Yes I think counselling too OP. I am sorry you are feeling this way.

Think about what your motivations are here. Really think and write them all down. What is the bottom line? I suspect you'll see tist this is just wistful thinking on your part - you're trying to fix something that can't be fixed now. Try and keep yourself focussed on moving forward when bringing this up could harm people.

OP I'm so sorry you went through this.

It sound like you're only allowing yourself to feel this loss in terms of how it related to your partner at the time.

I do believe that you need to re-feel this as your younger self, feel and acknowledge the loss, and comfort your younger self through the grief.

I'm aware that sounds totally hippy, but allowing myself to feel pain and fear that I would have naturally felt as a child, (but was instructed not to feel) has been very healing for me.

Apologies, I didn't read the thread properly. I'm so sorry.

Hello OP,

I wonder if writing him a letter and then destroying it would help. I haven't been in your circumstances, but sometimes when someone doesn't really want to dredge things up with people from the past but there's still been a lingering sense of just wanting to tell them something, writing to them helps. Just to get it all off your chest and out of your heart and mind.

Don't ever think of sending the letter - it's just a way for you to completely open up with your feelings from the past and to help you come to terms with and move on from past events.

:)

To be honest I don't see the inappropriateness in letting the man know. It was a part of his life to. Op wouldn't be wrong to do so, I can see why she would want to set him straight to gain closure. Unfortunately I think it would do the opposite and evoke feelings of what 'might have been' if he had known then, and this would be incredibly unhealthy.
I think distracting yourselves from these thoughts would be beneficial, and exploring them in the safe space of therapy would be best. xxx

He is married with a family ........let sleeping dogs lie

Nothing good will come of it

I know you made a mistake but even if you didn’t he may we’ll have dumped you. The point is nobody can truly know and for whatever reason fate decided you were not meant to be together

Honey - you were very young when you met him - yes you fell hard for him but it didn't mean you were meant to be together forever. Honestly - I've met loads of couples who have either gotten together when the woman was pregnant with someone else's baby - or the woman had very young children. The women's new partners loved them for them and didn't care that their child/ren were someone elses. I suspect at the young age he was, he used this as an easy excuse to break up with you. If he really loved you and wanted to spend his life with you - do you think previously being pregnant with someone else's baby would really matter too him? Its not like you cheated on him? I suspect you are just at a low point in your life. I hope you can find a way of letting this go and think of the present and the future rather than the past. God luck.

No it would be wrong to contact him. It was over 10 years ago. He probably wouldn't even believe the op and think she has some kind of mental health issues.

@Astarael this is just a thought, but did you, at the time or since, get to grieve properly over the miscarriage itself? I'm just thinking you may still have some grieving and letting go to do, but that it's not all about him. Counselling or therapy would help. I'm not surprised it still arises, but I agree with most posters, I can't see that contacting him serves any purpose and could cause unnecessary upset.

Op, have you considered how you would feel if your ex believes you are lying? And makes out you are just trying to get back in touch and cause problems.

Its a possibility. And i dont think having to deal with that will help you.

Oh OP I'm so sorry, that sounds really difficult. But if he's married now, no good will come of telling him, I'd leave it in the past, difficult though that may be.

I don't think in this instance you should tell him/contact your ex. He probably wouldn't respond and I think that would hurt you more.

Don't be too hard on yourself you were 17 and if he had really really loved you he absolutely wouldn't have cared about the circumstances. He would have just wanted to be with you ! Please remember this .

Think someone asked earlier if you received the necessary amount of counselling for this?

I think your focusing on him as not a lot is going on, on the relationship front for you , maybe try online dating or speed dating ? Go out and live your life , there's a lot to be thankful for! Xx