Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can an emotional abuser change?

46 replies

Messedup2018 · 23/02/2018 23:47

Hi, I have tried to call woman’s aid tonight but there is no answer, I would really appreciate some advice.

My partner moved out on Saturday, In a very unpleasant way, I have been with him 22 years and have 3 children.

He has always been slightly controlling, but in the last year things have gotten really bad, I lost a lot of weight and nearly had a breakdown, he seemed to improve but then he started getting nasty again. He’s now begging to come home and has been to the doctors and started citropram? He’s also considering cognitive behaviour therapy.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. Can anyone who has been in this situation offer any advice?

OP posts:
adayatthebeach · 23/02/2018 23:54

I just ended a relationship because of controlling abusive behavior. I was also once married to someone like it for 10 years. He remarried and treated her the same. A person like that needs therapy. I’m too old to deal with it so I ended it. Life is too short to be mistreated. I’d much rather be alone. So in my opinion I’d like to think he could get better but I don’t know of any examples.

WellDoneTiger · 24/02/2018 07:58

Keep trying WA and leave a message. They are usually very good at getting back. Perservere! No. They don't change. I have had a similar length marriage, and my husband's behaviour has only got worse. Any therapy will only teach him psychobabble. I don't know how well perpetrator programmes work. My husband has been referred to one. We are now in theprocess of divorce. He petitioned me but is now doing nothing at all about it. I think he is worried that he will have no-one to cook, clean and shout at.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/02/2018 09:10

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. He crossed that line a long time ago and you've had a continuous cycle of nice and nasty with him; that is typical of abusive relationships. Controlling behaviours like he has shown you are abusive and are about power and control, not a perceived lack of communication.

No such men do not change, do not let him back into your home or life now. Persevere with WA.

CBT and the like is not going to change or have any impact on his long term and ingrained behaviour. He has always felt entitled to act as he has and he feels he has done nothing wrong here with regards to you. It also does your kids no favours either to keep on seeing such a poor relationship model, you and they have been through more than enough already.

ClaryFray · 24/02/2018 09:25

Nope.

Beelzebop · 24/02/2018 09:34

Honestly, they don't change. They just have breaks in their behaviour when they are nice to you.

Offred · 24/02/2018 09:53

Why would he change?

By controlling you he has gained a number of advantages in the relationship and in life generally. He hasn’t cared about the effect of that on you. Why would he give up his advantages in order to improve the situation of someone he has demonstrated he doesn’t care for or respect?

Offred · 24/02/2018 09:57

In short, which is more likely, that he is telling you what you want to hear so he can regain control, or that he has genuinely realised and wants to now respect you as a person?

Clue; it’s not the former it is the latter, because what he is doing is saying ‘get back with me and I will do xyz’, not letting you go or actually doing or have done any of the things he promises.

Offred · 24/02/2018 09:57

*it’s the former not the latter! HmmBlush

Original poster
Messedup2018 · 25/02/2018 09:48

Thanks for the replies, you’re confirming what I already thought. I have asked for space this week, but he won’t stop contacting me, he’s crying, he looks like he’s about to have a breakdown.

And he’s also had the cheek to ask why put up with his abuse for so long?! As if it’s my fault!

The biggest problem I have is that we own the house together, and if he decides to come back I can’t stop him.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 25/02/2018 14:00

Who knows if they can change? But I'd not want to put the work in with a man who driven me to the brink of a nervous breakdown. There are better people than that in life.

You've been together for years, and have children. If he does change it won't be for you, or you'd never have been disrespected and subjected to unkindness in the 1st place. He'd have thought more of you.

He'll consider anything so he doesn't have to move away from you and his routine in life, and the opportunity to control you again asap. See how long his ADs & planned therapy lasts then.

You own a house together? Get legal advice it can be sorted. Unless you believe in reincarnation we have 1 life, and bricks and mortar should not determine it.

FeedtheTree · 25/02/2018 14:03

That crying is also emotional abuse. He's making you feel guilty for calling a halt to his abuse. Don't fall for it.

donerwillbehere · 25/02/2018 16:07

Could I suggest you read “ why does he do that “ by Lundy Bancroft . Hopefully this will answer your questions ........ with extensive counselling ( years) they may change ? .

donerwillbehere · 25/02/2018 16:08

( posted to early )
Very very rarely do they change . Don’t have him back ..... life is to short to wait about .

Good luck 😉

43percentburnt · 25/02/2018 16:11

He has proved he won't change. You asked him not to contact you and give you space. He thinks his need to contact you and harass you is more important then your need for space.

That is who he is.

OpalIridescence · 25/02/2018 16:12

No. Sorry

YetAnotherNC · 25/02/2018 16:13

I would second donerwillbehere with the recommendation for Lundy bancrofts book. From bitter experience, they don’t change, they just adjust their tactics. Sorry...

Guiltypleasures001 · 25/02/2018 18:14

My mums been married to her abuser for 52 yrs
No they don't change, sadly it's my Dad I both love and dislike him
And has caused me no end of personal problems

Shoxfordian · 25/02/2018 18:40

He isn't going to change
Don't take him back

Regularsizedrudy · 25/02/2018 18:44

No!!!!! He’s still contacting you when you’ve asked for space! That proves he’s not changed and has no plans to! Your needs and feelings don’t mean shit to him, he just wants someone to control.

Original poster
Messedup2018 · 26/02/2018 11:50

I understand what you’re all saying, but I’m getting to a point where it feels like it’d be easier to take him back than deal with the constant messages/phone calls and requests to meet for a ‘chat’. The only thing stopping me is I don’t want my children growing up and having the same relationships as what we’ve had.

Money is a huge issue, while I’m living in the house my wages and tax credits cover my costs ( we have no mortgage) but if he forces himself back in I will need to rent and the area I live in there are no 3 beds for less £1200 pm.

I am going to try WA again when I’ve finished work.

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 26/02/2018 13:01

OP, you are on the right track, well done you. You are 100% right that your children shouldn't have to grow up seeing that relationship model. Also, you deserve better!

They are very, very unlikely to change. As someone said upthread, they just change tactics.

As well as talking to WA, I'd suggest talking to some solicitors (you should be able to get a free half-hour consultation from many) about your legal and housing options. Knowledge is power.

Do you have any friends and family you could open up to about it? That can help a lot too.

Good luck! You are doing the right thing.

Whatiwishfor · 26/02/2018 14:56

Looked on woman's aid page
Look into non-molestation order and also
an occupation order!

purpleangel17 · 26/02/2018 15:13

Read Lundy Bancroft 'Why Does He Do That?'. There is an e-book if you need to keep it secret. It has a great chapter on the exact subject of can an abusive man change. A potted summary is that theoretically he can but in practice very, very few do. Medication can actually make some abusers worse. CBT unlikely to be enough. An abuser's programme that works with both of you individually is best chance.
But you don't have to give him a chance. You have the right to say you have had enough.
If you want to give him a chance then read Lundy Bancroft first, he gives warning signs to look out for.
I am 4 years out of an emotionally abusive marriage. I believe the chances of him changing are very very slim. But it has to be your choice - you are in control.

Adora10 · 26/02/2018 17:38

Nope, he won't change, in fact they get worse with age; why would you even consider allowing him to abuse you again?

Keep him gone, in time you will start to realise just how dysfunctional your relationship really was, of course he wants back, who else would put up with him.

Hermonie2016 · 26/02/2018 18:04

I also think abuse gets worse if you leave and go back.I tried to separate 2 years before finally starting the divorce.Those years were awful as his behaviour ramped up.

In reflection he was angrier, more controlling and punishing.From his perspective he realised his hold on me wasn't great and he was angry that I dared to leave.

Earlier in the marriage my ex accepted his behaviour wasn't great and went to counselling.It absolutely made it worse.
Person focussed therapy just played right into his hands..all his feelings validated and his warped view of entitlement was reinforced.
Therapy for abusers needs genuine confrontation of negative beliefs which does not happen in non specialist therapy.