Anybody else been there?

[tizereyes]

Just wondering if there are any mums out there who have had their children later (late 30s/early-mid 40s) only to find themselves alone for whatever reason, older and with very young children?

Trying to come to terms with the reality of my situation and looking for consolation that it will be ok... the temptation is to keep plugging away at marriage knowing that things will probably only deteriorate but staying together 'for the kids'... or selfishly worrying that I won't cope alone....no family support to speak of.

OP - first off - sorry, it’s a bad place to be.
Secondly - i am not sure that your age has anything to do with the age when you have children.
It’s not that much easier when one is younger.

As to ‘staying for the children’ - topical wisdom says - it doesn’t work. But I think, like with many things - it depends.
Or won’t work if you are truly unhappy, or relationship is really damaged, etc.
If things are on the margins; ok but not great; if not for kids - you could go separate waysc but given kids... etc - then yes - plenty of people live in non- totally-happy-easy-breezy-marriages.
So - tell us more????

I was in a similar position wanting to leave but after a health scare I realised I'm not perfect and marriage isn't and if it's a blip here and there work at it but if it's unbearable get out. I look at it and think would my life be better or worse single with kids then decide what to do. can you imagine your life without them? Or them With another partner? Take care listen to your heart and head.

I don't know if my life would be better.

We argue all the time but I still look forward to him getting home so I can have a break from toddler and newborn.

I crave the autonomy of living my own life, not having to argue or bargain about every little thing. I thought that I would be respected as a mother, allowed to do what I thought was best, but I am just resented.

It’s normal for a toddler and newborn to put a strain on your marriage. Arguing all the time obviously isn’t great though. Would you consider marriage counselling or a marriage course? Does he realise how upset you are about this?

In the past I've suggested counselling, once he said ok on the caveat that I organised it all, but mostly he refused. I'm past caring now.

It was an anxious pregnancy this time round because we were arguing so much. Now the baby is here we are both so busy and I am so torn between the 2 DCs i don't have any energy left to care.

Separate beds and he has said he wants to keep it that way now.

Not been in your situation, but been in the wrong marriage with a small child and no family support. I got out and it was for the best. Celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary with someone lovely in April.

I went for counselling on my own - on a Saturday morning. Saw it as an investment in myself.

I've been doing counselling but it's made things worse in that I am getting more boundaries and it seems there isn't really anywhere left to go.
Am I painting myself into a corner?

We're trying not to argue in front of the kids so it's a stoney atmosphere at the moment. But every time I've thought it was over in the past the practicalities of parenthood have brought (forced?) us back together and we've continued on our dysfunctional way...

I guess the age thing is irrelevant except it's harder to start again the older you get. It sounds so selfish as really the children are the most important thing, and they'll be needing me for a long time yet.

If I look at it honestly I don't know if I'd ever want to live with anyone again, so it's contemplating a life living alone with my DC and heading towards old age... it seems quite bleak, but I'm hoping the love I feel for them will get me through, it's been hard to enjoy them with my marriage crumbling around us.

I had mine at 37 and 40. We split up a few years ago when I found out DH was sleeping with men. Honestly? It’s way better now. We hadn’t been getting along for years. I’m happier, the kids are happier, everything is calmer, the stress of having to appear to be a ‘normal’ happy family, has gone.

I couldn't accuse my OH for anything that bad... he's a great dad but a bit of a prat as a partner, has a chip on his shoulder about how women get it all easy and hadn't coped well with natural parenting.

Lelly do you get lonely? How have you found living alone?

He is not a great dad if he is a prat of a partner to you. Women in poor relationships often write that when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

Your kids see how you are treated by him and assume that yes, this is how women are treated in relationships. They pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken. They see you sleep separately.

You and he are their primary influences when it comes to relationships. What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you re same?. Staying simply for the children teaches them that their parents relationship was based on a lie and that a loveless relationship for them will be their norm too. Would you want this type of relationship for your children as adults, no you would not. So stop showing them this is acceptable still to you on some level. What do you get out of this relationship, what is keeping you together now?. You get something out of this so what is in this for you?.

The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to be with someone who makes you feel alone. That is where you are now, what you are describing here is a slow death by 1000 cuts. You cannot use your love for your children to carry what is a failing and failed marriage here, they should not be used as the glue that binds you and this man together.

He was never interested in counselling either, I would attend such sessions on your own to also work out why you have put up with this at all.

I don’t think getting better boundaries is a bad thing. It can be bad for an unhealthy relationship because you stop playing the game, but ultimately it’s better to have those boundaries.
Keep up the counselling.
I was a single parent with baby and toddler at 30 and started again. It’s not worked out how I’d hoped and I may well be starting again at 40ish. I’m sad, but not scared. We’re a great little family, the three of us. We are everything we need.

Thank you Attila, I know you're right, I have just got used to believing I wouldn't be able to cope on my own, that he does so much... that's what he tells me anyway! He makes me feel like a horrible person but I'm the only one who can't see it. Maybe he's right and I'll look back with regret...

NC - I'm really sorry to hear that things did not work out for you second time round. I get what you mean about being sad not scared, maybe I'm a bit scared of feeling sad. My emotional literacy leaves a lot to be desired, as I am often being reminded.

My counsellor doesn't seem to think I'm the worst she's seen though despite what DH says.

having to argue or bargain about every little thing.

I thought that I would be respected as a mother, allowed to do what I thought was best, but I am just resented.

He makes me feel like a horrible person

My emotional literacy leaves a lot to be desired, as I am often being reminded.

This is a totally miserable way to live. He’s more than a prat isn’t he? You’re being undermined (and you’re starting to believe it, eg that you can’t cope alone or have poor emotional literacy. He doesn’t sound like a maestro in that department.) You’re having to fight and bargain over trivia.

You talked about arguing through pregnancy- was that actually him getting at you, by any chance?

I may be wrong but I suspect things may be worse than you are admitting to yourself.

I wouldn’t recommend simply staying for the children, because a) the children will know all about the arguing and stony atmosphere, even if you think you are hiding it; and b) if you are continually resented and undermined by your partner, your kids may think this is normal and start treating you the same way.

Hi OP I am a similar age to you with small DC.

My marriage and my ex also sounded very similar, and I was very unhappy in it, lonely and losing a lot of my self confidence. I also had a DH who wouldn’t engage in trying to work on things. I felt very trapped, but I’m not sure I would have got the courage to leave.

In the end I discovered my now ex was having an affair and wanted to separate. He left the house just after Xmas ( he had told me in the autumn). I won’t lie it is very hard and I have had some awful, bleak days - harder then when my dad died. I am mourning for the life and relationship I once had/thought I would have. I am very worried about the future financially, as although I’m lucky to have a job I will be much poorer, not sure I will be able to afford to buy. I also have no family support.

BUT at the same time even though I am sad I am not depressed anymore and I feel a huge sense of relief from the tension and the criticism. I can also now see how harmful the situation also was for the kids ( although there is no getting away from divorce also being extremely difficult for them). I’m a better mum when I am with them now and the house is just somehow lighter. Most people have commented how much more alive I seem again, how like the old me - and I think that is true. Although the future is scary at least I now have the possibility it might be good ( if that makes sense)? I think living without hope is the hardest and worst place to be. Also in having to cope/do things I’ve realised all the stuff he said about me wasn’t true - I can do this on my own and I’m even good at doing some of it!

Anyway I’ve mentioned all of this as just one example. I hope you find a way through that works for you. Big hugs and take care of yourself. Your children are important but so are you, your life and your self worth and happiness.

Thank you for the kind comments and sorry it's taken me so long to come back.

@trackrBird yes things are pretty bad. I was thinking today about how DP commented that DS knew exactly how to wrap me round his finger and I wasn't even aware I was being manipulated; and I thought perhaps he (DP) knows how to do this too... he knows I will always overlook his bad behaviour eventually or accept responsibility because it is my conceit that I can control things by being nice enough... I don't want my son to see me being walked all over and to learn to do the same.

Crumpets- thank you for your thoughtfulness and I hope you are having a good day today. I guess the decision was taken out of your hands so you have to make the best of it. I am sure you are doing a fantastic job and in time it will pay off, even though the future is uncertain.

It sounds exhausting for you. I know having two such young DCs is going to be hard even in the best marriage but it sounds like you guys don’t have much love left for each other.

The big bonus of divorce is actually getting some time off if the other parent is still in the picture. With such little ones you’re unlikely to end up with 50/50, most likely a day or two a week when they get a bit older, whatever works for them in the short term.

I split with my XH when I was 38, but it should have happened years before and I had stayed for the kids. They’ve all been fine, they see him pretty often even if he just pops in for a cuppa and we actually get on better now we’re not together.

I’ve had a relationship for the past 5 years but that has now ended. Whether I try again or just accept it’s me and the DCs for now, I haven’t decided. But even if I don’t get the big love of my life, at least I’m not permanently on edge, being verbally abused or made to feel unimportant. I can go on dates, I can get a FWB if I just want some sex. We’re not stuck these days like we used to be.

When I left I imagined I’d meet the love of my life, which I thought I had. However, I realise now that the one person who needs to love me and want the best for me is me.

Crumpets - yes - Also in having to cope/do things I’ve realised all the stuff he said about me wasn’t true - I can do this on my own and I’m even good at doing some of it!

Me too. My XH made out like paying bills and dealing with finances was so hard, but once you have it all set up on DD there’s nothing to do! I shop around for good deals and manage to buy new cars, computers etc without his input! It’s really quite freeing and helps no end with your confidence being able to take care of yourself.

Sooner or later, realistically you will leave plainly. Accepting that, how long is it until you get some respite? One at pre-school? Would that make coping more realistic? If not, what would? And can you plan for that?

My counsellor doesn't seem to think I'm the worst she's seen though wink despite what DH says

Er... what exactly does he say that paints you in a bad light?

I think you'd be better off going it alone. There is nothing lonlier than being in a shit relationship, and it's actually easier when you're not having to negotiate/compromise/agree a strategy for every little thing.

The only answers I ever see on here are the gentle equivalent of LTB. Rarely people say (although there is one PP above about margins), that with two small kids, it can be normal to feel under strain for a long time, and have very little energy or time for your marriage. When everyone is tired, and constantly looking after kids, cleaning the house, food shopping, working, bathrime, washing, getting up in the night .... there isn’t much room for the relationship, maintaining it, feeling warmth and closeness within it. The advice on these threads gives the impression that everyone else is perfectly happy, with a happy supportive husband who does 50/50, whilst also looking after 2 kids. And so if you’re not happy, then LTB, and the other nice kind of man and constantly happy life will be waiting for you.....
IRL I dont think that’s true. It’s easy to say LTB on a forum, it doesn’t reflect real life IMO.

Maybe this is a phase, and it will improve when you both have some time to put into the relationship?

This is my life. Ill try and write more later. My h is an angry, rude and selfish pig. Ive no regrets about ending it but yes, being older, single, fat with 3 very young children is quite an overwhelming thouggt.

Im 40 and been on my own with my baby since he was 13 weeks old. He is now 8 months old