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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fiancee into another guy

35 replies

Jober · 23/02/2018 06:47

My fiancee is currently studying for a degree one day per week which she loves. However, I know she has a little "crush" on a guy there which I'm ok with as we are all human and as long as you don't act upon anything, its ok. Anyway, it wasn't bothering me at all until last night when I came back early from squash and she was in the bath on the phone to her friend in the USA for which I could hear every word. She obviously hadn't heard me come in and continued talking and told her friend that she had been paired with this guy to do a presentation, but itll be really hard to concentrate as he's so fit. Also that she finds it really hard to talk to him because she finds him so attractive and she goes all shy around him, but he's a pretty good laugh during the day at college. This all sounds so worrying to me as it sounds like she really fancies him and i am just so worried that working together might bring them closer so to speak. Again, the fact she found another guy attractive is never an issue, its just worrying me because she feels that strongly about having to work with him, she wants to tell her friends. What do you guys think? I don't want to confront her either.

OP posts:

Winosaurus · 23/02/2018 07:59

To be honest if she’s going to cheat then she’ll cheat regardless of what you say or do. It must be incredibly hurtful for you to hear that though.
I would let her know what you overheard and how it made you feel and see what she says. If she apologises and says she was just joking with her friend then maybe you can move past it... if she becomes argumentative and defensive I think you’d have more cause for concern

Original poster

Jober · 23/02/2018 08:05

All very good points. I will think about saying something over this weekend. Just finding the way to phrase it though. Ultimately, I'd like to avoid bringing it up though as there is always the risk of pushing her away. In terms of other people's views though, I'm very interested to hear if I'm being a tad melodramatic with something I shouldn't have heard and was saying in confidence to her friend. "Girl bantz" maybe, right?

OP posts:

readyforapummelling · 23/02/2018 08:38

I work with an absolute god of a man. When he speaks to me I turn into a quivering wreck, I love working with him because he is so easy on the eye. BUT I have a wonderful DP who I fancy even more and I love him, I wouldn't ever dream of cheating on him with said god at work. He just makes the work day go a bit quicker, I don't sit plotting how to get into his underpants!
Just have a conversation with your GF about it, you couldn't help overhearing what she said.
Hopefully she will reassure you and make you feel better

Original poster

Jober · 23/02/2018 14:46

Thanks, Ready. Just feel very uneasy about the situation. Just takes a mutual spark and all that I guess.

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Cuban8 · 23/02/2018 15:00

Turn this on it's head. Surely you've been in a position where you've had to interact with a woman that made you "lose concentration" so to speak. And have you ever told a mate about it?

I know I can say yes to both. Doesn't mean I would do anything about it or cheat.

I know full well my wife gets jelly legs over one or two maybe more men. I even know one of them personally!!! How awkward is that.

My point is, just as pps have said above, it doesn't mean she'll act on it.

Personally I wouldn't say anything. In itself, I don't think the convo is anything to worry about.

Original poster

Jober · 23/02/2018 18:24

I can't say I have to be honest, as I work with mostly men, but I hear you. I think I just need to carry on and put it to the back of my mind. Will have to see how I get on really. She is a great girl, and I think deep down she wouldn't do anything but maybe I'll always have that 1% of concern now.

OP posts:

Armygirl · 23/02/2018 18:34

As you say, we’re all human, and yes I’ve seen blokes who make me go weak at the knees but if I had to bring the subject up to a friend on the other side of the world then I would think it was a bit more than a crush to be honest. I would tell her that you overheard and how it made you feel. If my bf overheard me and I knew he was hurt by it, it would be enough to shake myself out of it.
You sound like a lovely, very understanding bf by the way

Yellowshadeofgreen · 23/02/2018 18:37

Just takes a mutual spark and all that I guess

I don’t think it is as simple as that. I have found men attractive over the years but I’d never cheat on DH.

It is the enormity of losing the life we’ve built together, that I value completely, that would stop me.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/02/2018 18:37

You didn't overhear anything that sounded like she was planning an affair with the guy after all - just her saying that she thought he was 'fit' (is she twelve?) and went all shy in his presence.

Doesn't sound suspicious to me, just like a woman telling a mate that she gets the fanny gallops when she sees a particular bloke.

Addy2 · 23/02/2018 18:55

I wouldn't like it if I heard my DH going on about something like that to his mate tbh. It would also drive a wedge if DH heard me do it. Personally, I would mention it and how it made me feel, if I were you. That's just me though, and all relationships have different expectations and norms.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2018 19:03

I have to be honest...I don't think I'd really want to marry my fiance if I knew he had a crush on another woman and clearly fancied her.

She wasn't joking with her friend...she meant it.

It's one thing to find another person attractive...of course that happens...but having a crush and fancying them is different.

Original poster

Jober · 23/02/2018 19:17

So many mixed views on what to do and advice from different angles. Feel very much like I could do one thing, but then again the other, just as much. I'd like to think that if something does end up coming of it, I'm smart enough to sense it. That's my hope anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jober · 23/02/2018 19:21

What makes this all the more confusing is that just told me she's booked a couple of days away for my birthday in June. The place is a surprise, so on the positive hand, she is thinking of me.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 23/02/2018 19:36

It sounds quite harmless to me
She's booked days off for your birthday and is planning a trip with you.

I think you should leave it. If she's going to cheat then she will anyway and if not then you'll upset her if she thinks you don't trust her.

Original poster

Jober · 23/02/2018 19:41

Thanks, shox. Deffo want to go with your type of advice. That's what my heart says. Just can't get the comment of her finding the bloke "such a fifty" out of my mind. Hopefully it'll fade.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 23/02/2018 19:49

Yeah it would bother me as well if my boyf was stupid enough to tell me he really fancied someone at work.

It doesn't sound like she's cheating though and if she doesn't give you any other reason to distrust her then you shld do.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2018 19:53

I can't help feeling people would have a different view if the genders were reversed here.

GlitterGlassEye · 23/02/2018 19:59

I agree Sandy. I think it’s awful to have heard this also.

SomeKnobend · 23/02/2018 20:08

I'd be really upset if my dh had feelings like that about someone, and so much worse if he was disrespectful enough to tell a friend all about it. I would definitely bring it up with her, see if talking can reassure you. Everyone's saying it's clearly innocent, and yes of course it is at the moment, you don't start shagging someone the moment you realise you like the look at them, but these things develop over time, usually without intent - you make friends, you get close, you spend time together, start confiding in each other - it's always innocent, right up until the moment that it isn't, if you see what I mean? I mean the fact that nothing's occurring now doesn't mean everything's fine and there's nothing to worry about.

If she loves you, her actions should be making you feel loved and secure. They're not. That's not good. You need to have a chat and see if you can get things back on track.

RhubarbTea · 23/02/2018 20:31

Agree Sandy. We'd all be screaming to LTB.

Pessismistic · 23/02/2018 23:56

If this was a bloke saying this about a fit girl would the answers be the same? Would your gf mind if you worked with a hot female and you said oh this girl is so fit or she heard you telling a mate oh can't look at sexy female she is so hot? Seriously?

Chippyway · 24/02/2018 00:06

If the roles were reversed the man would be called a disgusting disrespectful pig

Yes I find other guys attractive. I also admit to my friends if I work closely with someone attractive. But that is INCREDIBLY different than having a crush on them. I can find someone good looking without being turned into a giggling school girl.

It seems as if she’s orobably enjoying this a bit as well. He isn’t stupid he’ll know what she thinks of him.

Worldsworstcook · 24/02/2018 00:14

I have to say you have taken this mini crush very well. Most people - male and female - would've been beating their chest and yelling.
Me - I go weak at the knees for Jose Mourhino. My heart goes into an unnatural rhythm. DH knows this and he's fine with it, I'm not so fine with him and Rachel Riley but she's getting a bit agey so he's due a change soon :)

The fact that your DP sees this lad one day a week and thinks he's gorgeous and funny is not that different although it's real life. if anything was to happen I expect it would've by now, she's booked you holidays so she's obviously not planning on dumping your ass and she's put a lot of thought into it which suggests you're her squishy and he's just nice to look at. You sound like a really nice man, she would be mad to mess this up!

honeyroar · 24/02/2018 00:15

Id tell her that you overheard and its playing on your mind. Let her explain, ease your fears hopefully. I'd do that with my husband if I were in this situation.

MISSINDE · 24/02/2018 00:24

I'm sorry but I would be heartbroken hearing this. Tell her what you heard.
If this was a man it would LTB!

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