I want to split but husband refuses to leave.

[mommy2018]

As the title says really. We are joint tenants in a housing association property. I've told him we are over but he refuses to leave and said I can leave whenever I like but won't let me take our dd (4.5yo). He is financially abusive (I think) and he is making me break the law.
I will leave if I have to but not without dd but where do we go? If I leave I've made us intentionally homeless plus she has only just settled in at school & has special needs so uprooting her to a b&b isn't really an option. I have no spare money (he takes this) so I can't even save up & even if I got a deposit together I couldn't afford to private rent on my own
Please help I don't know what to do

You could speak to women’s aid who help women in difficult situations like yours every day.

When you say he’s making you break the law, what do you mean?

How does he take your money? Can you open an account to hide it from him? Have you phoned Womens’ Aid? They will definitely help. Could you phone HA and explain to them that you need to leave ASAP?

I strongly advise you speak to your housing provider as there are a number of things they can do to help you. For example some housing providers allow you to give notice on the property, which will end the tenancy irrespective of whether the other person wishes to remain. They will then grant a new tenancy to the innocent party and go through the eviction process to get rid of the other party in the property. With abuse happening, your housing provider should be able to give you some options. Do you have a housing officer or tenancy support at the housing provider? Also advise speaking to shelter who can give you further advice re your housing, or a legal aid solicitor as financial abuse is abuse and you could qualify for legal aid for divorce of which dealing with the housing will be included. It might also be possible to obtain an exclusion order as if he takes your money there is abuse. If you are in London try your local law centre for advice. Hope this helps.

You are joint tenants therefore he has every right to remain in the house as you do.

What is he doing to so a you break the law?

*make you

Can you contact your housing manager? But do also talk to Women's Aid, they are experts in helping people in this situation.

Speak to your housing association. As someone said above, you can usually give notice in on your current tenancy and they will then grant a new tenancy to one of you. This would usually be whichever of you is the main carer currently for your child. If that's you (eg DH works and you don't, or you work part time and do the school runs) you should be ok. Though speak to the housing association first.

If your DH is the main carer for your DD, or could claim he is (eg if neither of you work and you share her care) you're in a trickier situation as they could just as easily decide to offer him a tenancy in his name especially if they're unaware of any abuse.

Hi sorry youre in this shit situation I've been there it's rotten. Mine wouldn't leave either in the end I saw a solicitor and the court removed him from the house and they protected my babies too with an order. If he is abusive you may get legal aid to help with this but most solicitors offer first hour/half hour free advice. Women's aid are amazing too they'll tell you all the above aswell. you can ring the help line (do it now) and they will help you escape or tell you what options are available. Life's too short get you and your baby to safety and get your life back Hun

I spoke to woman's aid before (last July) because he was taking all his wages and refusing to give me any money for rent. They weren't helpful and made me feel a bit pathetic like he was entitled to take his wages. As a result we owe £589 rent arrears and almost got evicted 2 weeks before Xmas.
He was let go from his job in October due to lack of available work so I claimed for income support but now he's working again (for the last 3 weeks) but he wont let me tell them saying that if I do then he'll tell them that I told him I had reported the change and that would give him grounds for full custody in court. We have a joint account and he checks what payments have been made then takes a certain amount (usually £20 every Friday then £50 extra every other friday, he also takes £50 every 4 weeks out of our dds dla) and then I have to pay the bills, food etc out of what's left. He checks the receipts & if there's any left he says 'can I have that?' but if I say no he sulks like a child & keeps going on and on and on. I tried spending more on food shopping and then taking the extra back for a refund but they gave me a new receipt & took the old 1 back. I don't get any money from his earnings
I'm not able to buy myself clothes wen needed often wearing clothes that have holes or are not the right size for months and currently I am in pain because my only bra is too big (I've lost a stone in weight since December) and is rubbing really badly, its actually caused something similar to nappy rash.
I will see about speaking to my housing association tomorrow

@candlelights I am dds main carer and before October & for the last 3 weeks I was doing both morning & afternoon school run except for 2 mornings this week cos I was exhausted. I've been doing everything between pick up and 6pm as well like making dinner, doing phonics, giving bath etc then he puts her to bed but apart from school run I can't prove anything

Can you open yourself a bank account and get your DDs DLA and your monies paid into there? Give you some control at least.

He won't consent to a divorce either so I have to separate from him for 5 years I think.

@jane I have opened a sole account I was just waiting for Tuesdays payment to go in before changing details cos I literally live payment to payment and would be screwed if I didn't get a payment. However he knows payment dates so although he wouldnt be able 2 get his hands on the money physically he would make my life difficult (ie moaning, sulking and stropping)

You need to just tune out the moaning, stropping etc. Think of the benefits of having money and how it will help you escape.

Please please please don’t commit benefit fraud. Go to Woman’s aid, citizens advice, your housing ass and tell them what is going on and get help,

Keep a diary of how the house runs and what you do.

This is awful, you need to make a change.

Agreed with the above poster that says please don’t commit benefit fraud otherwise you won’t get any help. Just tell them the situation and contact the housing officer to disciss the situation.

@sometimes I'm trying not too. I have a week before I would have committed fraud but I tell them he's working then wot do I do about food, energy and rent? I get £105 tax credits a week & the equivalent of £55 dla a week but my rent is £94 a week and energy is £30 a week. He won't be out in a week will he?
We haven't been living as a couple with the exception of sharing a bed for sleeping in 6 weeks. I don't even want to sleep in the same room as him but there's nowhere else except the sofa & I have a slipped disk (again he refuses to sleep anywhere but HIS bed).
Its so shit I feel trapped cos I know if I leave then dd is going 2 have 2 stay with him but if I stay she will be in poverty cos I will have 2 report the change.

The moaning I can ignore but its the stomping and sulking cos although he doesnt treat our dd any different she pics up on the feeling and you can see the change in her so I always give in so she is happy and content.
I have just phoned him and told him I will be purchasing a new bra tomorrow so he wont be able to have any money tomorrow, he hung up on me.
Is it wrong to wish he was 'cheating' or something just so I can say fuck u? He wouldnt phone the police if I locked him out but he would wait til I went out and then let himself in and then refuse to leave

Have your money paid into YOUR account, that way you can afford to pay your bills, rent etc. He can stomp all he wants, but it’s time he realised if he wants a roof over his head and food then he can’t have any spare cash. If he’s working now he’ll have his own money.

@thebluedog I am going to do this I have already opened an account. Hes getting £75 a week from working (doing 10 hours) and keeps all of this so after bus fare its £55 a week.

Well he's walked in the door but dds woken up & he went to put her back to bed and she sed 'daddy I want it to just be me and mummy' he told her 'but i loves u both' to which she sed 'I love u too but u make me & mummy sad' I've lost it completely at this point and told him 'uve done this to us. I wouldnt be as selfish as u for a million pound.' I then told him I was phoning income support tomorrow and telling them. He picked his keys up and walked back out the door without a word but left his wallet so I have collected all bank cards and hidden them and I'm going 2 transfer the money into my new account at midnight. I've arranged 2 keep the bank card at my best mates house and I know he wont give it to my ? (Husband/stbxh)? Bm has also sed I can keep some emergency stuff at his house in case Im forced to leave myself

You need to call the DWP and report the change as soon as you can.

I don't understand how you were eligible for Income Support in the first place, since you had a partner even if he was unemployed.

Are you getting Housing Benefit?

That’s good news OP, it’s funny that often the smallest voice in the household is the loudest.

Hopefully he didn’t come back last night and you’ve transferred some money across. Now to inform DWP, even if he has moved out it’s worth mentioning it to them so you don’t get caught out

I was entitled 2 income support because our dd is disabled and I get carers for her.

I have phone the income support people & HB & explained. They have both said that they will work out what is owed and will recover it from any further benefit at approx £5 a week, they've suspended my income support but not HB so that's a positive.
I haven't been able to speak 2 cab today but some1 at my HA have sed legally I can't keep him out if he won't consent 2 giving up his tenancy but I can go to court for a judical separation order ?
He didn't come back last night but came back today while I was out to get his work stuff. He's left me a letter and has attached a 'relate' card to it and drawn a massive ? on the card. The letter doesn't say anything about councilling but basically is full of apologizes and that he feels disgusted at himself. He's also sed our dds words 2 him made him stop and think and that he loves us both.
I still want to separate but this has made me confused as to whether I want a permanent split or if he is willing 2 change. He's never mentioned councilling before. Hes asked in the letter if he can come back at 8pm 2 talk about any immediate plans when dd is in bed and if I could text him 2 let him know.

Tell him no. You need some space.

Don't be in any doubt that he is abusive. Not just financially. But emotionally as well (sulking, stropping, storming out)