I want to split but husband refuses to leave.

[mommy2018]

As the title says really. We are joint tenants in a housing association property. I've told him we are over but he refuses to leave and said I can leave whenever I like but won't let me take our dd (4.5yo). He is financially abusive (I think) and he is making me break the law.
I will leave if I have to but not without dd but where do we go? If I leave I've made us intentionally homeless plus she has only just settled in at school & has special needs so uprooting her to a b&b isn't really an option. I have no spare money (he takes this) so I can't even save up & even if I got a deposit together I couldn't afford to private rent on my own
Please help I don't know what to do

I agree with Bit. He won't change, but tell him you need time to get your head straight. Use that time to get benefits straightened, get professional advise on housing etc

There can surely be no lower slug on the face of the earth than a man who steals disability benefits from his own daughter. He doesn't love her OP. He steals money from her every week - that is not the action of a loving father

I txt him and told him not tonight but dd wants 2 see him, so he is going 2 take her out for tea at 5. My mates going with them 2 make sure dd comes home 2nite (I don't think he would take her but I've heard it from too many acquaintances to risk it). She's then going 4 a sleepover at mates house with his nephew & niece until Sunday morning, so I can have some time 2 think about wot I want 2 do next. She's very excited and we only live down the street so I'm here if she wants me. I didn't want her 2 go but she wanted 2 and has been 'quiet and withdrawn' at school today so I thought some fun would be good for her
I don't think I made myself very clear in my OP he doesn't steal the dla really as we pay for the things she needs as and wen she needs them and the dla then is used to pay wotever I've had 2 put off iykwim. Also, if i told him no he can't have money cos dd needs xyz he wouldnt say anything or throw a strop. He does love her I know that much

Yes he has been abusive that's very true and I realise that. It hasn't always been like that we were married for a very long time with nothing like this at all until September and he suddenly changed. I guess im fooling myself thinking if he changed so suddenly in September then he can change back?

I've spoken to his mum and told her everything. She just replied 'I'm getting a flight, don't say anything' and hung up, but I had a txt from the bank 2 say that £50 had been credited 2 our joint account (I checked and it was her, she transferred it within minutes of getting off the phone). I dont know when she will get here as coming from canada but I assume sometime sat night/sun morning. She's not 1 to take anything laying down or hold her tongue so can imagine at some point her sons going 2 get ripped a new 1 (is it wrong that I'm quite gleeful about this?).

Sorry these posts r really long its just everything's so involved.

OP, if his mum is on her way from Canada, then please be careful not to get your hopes up that she'll be 100% on your side.
She and he might gang up on you. He might get defensive and start reacting in a bad way.
I think it might be a good idea if you ask her to delay her flight to give you two chance to work out a separation between You. A third party might complicate things.

You can divorce him on unreasonable behaviour, you have enough reasons that a judge would grant it even if he contested the reasons. Please go and get a free half hour with a solicitor so you have some solid legal advice with regards divorcing if that is what you want.

Mil has phoned with her flight details and she'll be here tomorrow afternoon. She's completely on my side and is seething at her sons behaviour. She said shes going to stay in a hotel nearby unless I want her to stay here with me. I'm not sure. I love mil to pieces and said i think that may cause more friction with her son. Her exact words were 'I don't give a monkeys he's going to have more than friction when I've finished', but shes going to stay in a hotel tomorrow night and see how we go from there. Shes a bit annoyed at me for not telling her how hard up we are but honestly I thought he would have told her.
Dd came back with her dad and my mate, she was happy enough and my mate said there were no problems and dd didn't ask anything. I've given him some of his stuff and told him I would contact him Sunday and he's agreed not to contact me until then. I didnt tell him his mums coming, she asked me not to. Dd has just now gone down to mates house so I'm going to be on my own over night for the first time in 11 years.

Two things:

Apply for income support and tax credits in your own name (you and DD) You can do this even if you're still living together if you tell them you're in the process of separating. You might want to move on to DD's bedroom to make that clearer. It'll give you some money in your own name that's not at risk.

2. You do not have to give a reason to end a relationship. I think you've got plenty of grounds for divorce, but none of that matters just yet. You only need to be separated to start having control of your own finances and getting your life back together. And you can do that simply because it want to. My friend is currently separating from her completely lovely DH just because she's fallen out of love with him. You're completely entitled to decide things are over if you want them to be.

You have a good MIL and people,
can change. If your all out of love for him ..that's understandable after how he's behaved...but I'd say the letter is a good start.

I've seen people make huge changes and develop a good sense of awareness and understanding of themselves through therapy.

He has made you and dd miserable. You need space and he must respect that. A promise of change is not enough, make sure you get all the benefits in your sole name to your bank account. Take his name off everything and tell the housing association he has been abusive. IF he chooses to go and get help and change, great but don’t back down now on the strength of a promise. You’re doing so well, you should be so proud of yourself :)

Op sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been through similar right down to putting up with awful stuff in the vain hope our dc would feel more secure. It doesn’t work like this. Secure children shouldn’t grow up seeing their mum without the basic necessities.

Mil can have a go at him but she has a vested interest in you staying with him.

Do you have family you can stay with? This is your oppportunity to get out. There’s benefit fraud involved and you can add this to your divorce case (or separate for 2 years).

You need help - do you have any family around?

My ds two years on is happier - loves both parents but days he’s happier. I swallowed a lot of shit with the idea ds would be happy - I was wrong - he’d picked up on everything as had your dc.

I'm not all out of love with him no but I don't like him very much at the moment.
I've been thinking a lot and I think the best solution at the moment is to separate officially ie separate homes, identities, etc and sort issues out ie his abusiveness. I want him off the tenancy as well. That way me & dd have the security of a roof over us no mattet what. Then depending on how things go we could start again but I mean completely start over, dating, getting to know each other etc not just him move back in and we act as if nothing happened.
This is just my thinking at the moment it may change and I may decide I want to split for good no matter what. At the moment I still want to split but if he does change and gets proper help I'm prepare to at least consider getting back together 1 day.

I don't have any bio family no (except dd). My dad passed a few years ago and the last thing my mother said to me was "I wish I'd had an abortion" and with her went my sister eventually so apart from my best mate who I class as my brother its just me, dd, husband and the in laws.

Mil doesn't really have a vested interest in me staying with her son or leaving him. She not a biased kind of person. In fact it used 2 be a standing joke between me and dds dad that she loved me more than him but secretly I think she was the only female amoung her dh & 5 boys and now sees it as she has a 'daughter' to dote on.

Mil arrive yesterday and we had a good long chat, she then went to see dds dad must have given him a right ear bashing cos wen she phoned me last night I could hear him in the background cussing out his brother for laughing at him being 'told off like a naughty child.'
She didn't go into details wen she came over today but asked what I wanted 2 do at the moment and whether I was up 2 having a sit down with him about seeing dd until long term plans were made. So we went for lunch and had a talk. He's going to have dd at his brothers Wednesday & Saturday nights then he's going to have her for an hour after school Monday, Tuesday, Thursday & Friday. He's agreed 2 remove his name from the tenancy (going tomorrow) and has set up a standing order for money every week for dd. He's also going to pay any overpayment as well.
He's made a gp appointment for tomorrow as well to ask for councilling apprently.
Dd is taking it all in stride although the first thing she see wen she got home this morning & saw mil was 'nanny, daddy's been naughty, put him in time out'.
Mil is going 2 stay for 2 weeks minimum so I've moved her into dds room & dd is bunking in with me. Mils mentioned lots of things that need sorting since she's been here that i didnt even think off. She's worried about where we're living and wants me to think about moving if she buys a house in the next parish over as it would still be walking distance 2 dds school but its a better neighborhood, and she's worried about mine & dds health as this place is really bad for condensation and I'm constantly battling mould. Dds asthmas is controlled atm but scarily I've been suffering wot mil thinks are severe asthma attacks or allergies to the mould spores so she's making me phone the doctors tomorrow as this morning she wanted to take me 2 hospital cos I was struggling 2 breath during a 10 min coughing fit. (Mothers! lol)
Between all this at home & things that have been thrown around online today I am mentally exhausted and want to go find a deep dark cave somewhere with chocolate cake and hide!!
X

Bless your MIL, what a gem she sounds. Please take whatever help she offers you as it sounds like it is from a place of love.

I hope your H gets the help he needs, if only to be a good co-parent to your DD

I have to say once again...what a brilliant MIL you have. She's totally no nonsense.

Some bio family won't travel an hours distance and she's come all the way from Canada.

Far too many parents side with their children blindly...even wheb it's blatantly obvious they are wrong.

I hope things get better for you. Especially healthwise.

Just a heads up OP but he may not be able to remove himself from the tenancy if there are rent arrears. Me and DH separated for a while and our HA said the rent account had to be clear before they would remove him. Will keep my fingers crossed that varies between HA's and yours will allow it but didn't want it to be an unpleasant surprise for you if not