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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Listening ear

31 replies

FlossyMittens · 21/02/2018 17:01

Would it be wrong as a single woman, to offer a listening ear to another woman's husband? Would I be intruding in their marriage?

A listening ear is all it is I should like to add.

OP posts:

Hithere1981 · 21/02/2018 17:03

Yes. Inappropriate.

Suggest he talk with his wife; another friend; or go to counselling

Nellia · 21/02/2018 17:59

Yes it would be. Especially if the below applies
A. Your not married and never have been
B.its non of your business
C.you're not a qualified counsellor
D. You only hear one side of the atory
E.the wife will not be well pleased

Huntinginthedark · 21/02/2018 18:32

Depends If he is your friend or your the wife’s friend I would think
If my male married friend asked for advice of course I would be there for him
And wtaf has “never been married” got to do with anything!!??
Unless you’re 16 and have never had a relationship

Thewomeninthemirror · 21/02/2018 18:47

Yes I have just gone through this with my husband. I am in bits!
Stay away, advise him to find a male friend to chat too.

timeisnotaline · 21/02/2018 18:50

If you have a real longstanding friendship with them and usually talk close stuff like relationships then maybe not?

Josuk · 21/02/2018 19:40

I often end up as a listening ear, to friends of all genders, and even strangers.
I don’t give advice or judgements, so maybe because of that people talk to me.

But I never wondered if it was OK. Because even if the type of stuff people talk to me about is often quite personal/intimate/etc - there is never any doubt about my place in all that.

Because you are asking - something must be there that bothers you.

BackInTheRoom · 21/02/2018 19:56

No, stay away

Original poster

FlossyMittens · 21/02/2018 20:47

You are right Josuk. I am bothered by this. He is starting to confide more in me. I care for him. I do not want to see him unhappy but equally I do not want to tread on his wife's toes. My feet have been firmly on the ground for the past seven years but this is starting to unnerve me a little.

OP posts:

crisscrosscranky · 21/02/2018 20:50

Not cool. You might want to help but he wants to put his penis in you hopefully not in your ear

Original poster

FlossyMittens · 21/02/2018 21:09

If he wants to do that sort of thing then why can't he be honest with himself, his wife and his family?

OP posts:

Nellia · 21/02/2018 22:23

Huntinginthedark
I would say it has enough to do with it to make it a consideration.
Otherwise I wouldnt have said it.

MrsDilber · 22/02/2018 00:21

No don't give him your ear. It'll be "my wife doesn't understand me"... all the old lines. It is not fair on the wife, even if it is flattering to you.

Original poster

FlossyMittens · 22/02/2018 19:16

MrsDilber I think you are right.

OP posts:

Huntinginthedark · 22/02/2018 22:31

@Nellia
Still don’t quite understand your logic!
I’ve been with someone for longer than many have been married. I think I have the same kind of insight of a long term relationship
But there you go
Op only you know if it makes you feel uncomfortable

Nellia · 23/02/2018 06:16

@huntinginthedark
Fair enough. I see your point. However op states that she is single.
my comment comes from having single friends who have never been married with children pass judgement that I would have agreed with as a single woman but now do not. Different lived experiences can lead to different sometimes incompatable perspectives.

Remember one friend talking about how women dont put effort in once kids are born etc. Fast forward seven years two kids .and one sleepless night too many her viewpoint changed.same experience now with married friends who have never been through a seperation.

Alfiemoon1 · 23/02/2018 08:42

No it’s not appropriate. Currently going through this with my dh. Do u know the wife well enough to give impartial advice? There are usually to sides to every story

hellsbellsmelons · 23/02/2018 08:45

For me it would depend on how friendly you are with the wife.
If he was a good friend before they got together.

Original poster

FlossyMittens · 24/02/2018 16:03

Alfiemoon1 - just read somewhere that every marriage is really two: the husband's and the wife's.

My parents' very long marriage was a very unhappy one so I don't know what constitutes a healthy one.

I see him as unhappy, overburdened by work and a bit lost (mid forties- married for 25 years or so). I simply want to help him. However, the fly in the ointment is that I have developed feelings for him. To provide him with a listening ear is going knowingly head first into a daft affair with unpleasant consequences for everyone. I do not want that to happen.

OP posts:

Alfiemoon1 · 24/02/2018 16:18

In that case flossy you should stay well away and leave him and his wife to sort things out. As your involvement may cause further problems for him and his marriage is certainly has in my situation

Pessismistic · 24/02/2018 16:18

Don't do it! Let him talk to his male companion or his wife it won't be a happy ending put yourself in her shoes what if he was your husband and confinding in another woman would you be okay with that?

QuantumPixies · 24/02/2018 16:23

However, the fly in the ointment is that I have developed feelings for him

Stay away then. You’re not an impartial friend he can talk to. You’ve got a vested interest in him splitting up.

Alfiemoon1 · 24/02/2018 16:28

I agree unless u are a long term mutual friend to them both u can’t possibly give impartial advice as you are only hearing one side of the story.

Alfiemoon1 · 24/02/2018 17:12

Does his wife know about your friendship ? That he’s moaning about her and probably discussing details of their marriage? Is he being honest with his wife about his friendship with you ? Keeping it all above board. In my case my dh isn’t he’s hiding it and lying about it and his so called just a friendship she is also fully aware of this and continues to be his listening ear. So just be careful what you are getting into it’s easy for something to cross from being friends to an emotional affair

Thedogsmells · 24/02/2018 17:24

I don't know why you even need to ask tbh, given you have developed feelings for him. Whatever his motivations are, yours wouldn't be 'pure', for want of a better word.

Zaphodsotherhead · 24/02/2018 17:36

He might not want to split up with his wife. He might be using the whole 'I'm having problems' as an excuse to get 1:1 time with OP and then talk her into an affair.

There may very well be nothing wrong with his marriage. As far as his wife is concerned.

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