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Original poster

Would you tell OW's husband?

28 replies

LanguidLobster · 21/02/2018 13:03

A friend's wife (same sex couple, married with kids) has been having an affair with a married woman (male-female, with kids).

Husband doesn't know. My friend is devastated, she is temperate and measured, but she had a flash of anger today and thought about telling the husband.

I don't actually think she should, I think the 'couple' are being twats and it isn't love in the slightest. They're rubbing it in her face at present and she is sensible and is getting legal advice about splitting and access to the children.

I feel so sorry for her though as her wife is refusing to leave the home (my friend is the breadwinner) and expecting her to put up with her coming and going and blathering on about their 'luurrrve'. It's not love at all, they're entitled idiots.

So do you think the husband should be informed? I don't know if I gave bad advice by saying 'no'

OP posts:

Changedname3456 · 21/02/2018 13:09

You’ll always get a mix of views on here on that one, split roughly equally between “no, it’s not your business to tell and you don’t know what agreement they have, he may already know and be ok with it” and “the partner has a right to know and make his/her own decision.”

I’d probably err on the side of telling him because he can then make an informed decision about what he does about it. And if there’s something wrong with the relationship (other than her skanking around on the side for kicks) how can he/they address it if she’s hiding it from him?

Ignorance is bliss? Not really, IMO

WesternMeadowlark · 21/02/2018 13:21

I would tell because I'd feel a bit grubby withholding information that could affect someone's ability to give informed consent to just about anything. But especially to a relationship or sex, if they still have a sexual relationship.

However, I wouldn't do it in anger, and I wouldn't expect to be believed. I do think it's right to tell, but I also think it's better to do it calmly and not get invested in getting any kind of result from it.

People who tell just because they want to screw things up for their cheating [ex-]partner, or want someone else to know the pain they're in, are often on a hiding to nothing. Cheats are good at lying and many people who are in shock from being betrayed are good at lying to themselves. It's best to give them the information in as neutral a way as possible and then leave them alone.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/02/2018 13:24

I would tell him.
Poor bloke. He's being made a fool of.
Having been on the receiving end, I would rather have known and wish people had told me instead of feeling like I'm going insane.
It's friggin' humiliating realising you are the last to know.
Don't let that happen to him.
You will get a mix of responses on here.
Some people would rather not know and bury their heads.
Most would rather know though!
I might actually use it as a tool to get her out though.
Or to at least to stop with the comings and goings and telling her about it all.
But in the longer term the man needs to know his wife is a lying cheating scumbag.

Original poster

LanguidLobster · 21/02/2018 13:26

She's a nice person. I think it was a momentary flash of anger. I'll see her in a few weeks (we live 2 hours apart) so she can rant all she wants then. Don't like seeing her hurt.

I got the impression the OW was hedging her bets as she hasn't committed to telling her husband as yet.

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 21/02/2018 13:27

If I was the cheated on partner, I would tell the other.

I think "no!" Is better advice for almost anyone else because the messenger gets shot, or isnt believed. But as the other "wronged" partner I think this applies less.

LesisMiserable · 21/02/2018 13:29

I'm currently in the same position. I don't know the husband, we just have a mutual acquaintance. Why is it every body hates infidelity but when it happens we are all so nervous to call it out. Unsure what to do.

SecretSantaaaaaa · 21/02/2018 13:37

So your friends wife is still living there and having the affair, presumably bringing her back to the house? Urgh.
As they are being so brazen about it, I would probably tell the husband

fantasmasgoria1 · 21/02/2018 14:40

I would want to know and would be grateful to be told. Some people would be glad to be told others would not. I personally would tell.

Angelf1sh · 21/02/2018 15:32

Difficult one because motives are hard to assess but on balance I think I’d probably tell him. Your friend hasn’t done anything to be ashamed of and nor has he, so hopefully he’ll believe her.

Lonesurvivor · 21/02/2018 15:34

Yes I would tell and I'd want to be told.
I would especially tell under these circumstances, they think it's ok to carry on and continue to hurt your friend while trying to keep the Ow sordid little secret.

Pogmella · 21/02/2018 15:40

Can you show him any proof? I was desperate to explain away STBXH's obvious affair in the first few days- I imagine if someone had tipped me off I'd assume it was malicious.

Flippinflipflaps · 21/02/2018 16:04

Yes

Wherearemymarbles · 21/02/2018 16:31

Yes, I’d tell. The husband might think they have a great marriage and have no idea his wife is Bi. She might have had other affairs with women. It might be an open marriage it might not. There are kids in the mix too.

I dont see an issue with her telling him. And will you friends wife be able to move into the OW’s house with all the kids? I doubt it very much so I cant see with OW telling her husban angthing!!

EarlGreyPlea · 21/02/2018 20:43

I told in this situation, anonymously, and provided some evidence (I didn’t have any messages or photos but I provided dates locations of meetings). The betrayed spouse didn’t believe me, the marriage is still intact and AFAIK, the affair is still going on!!!

weehedgehog · 21/02/2018 21:33

yes, yes and yes! Absolutely. Your friend's wife is walking all over her which is facilitated by the ignorance of everyone else involved.
But do make sure she provides some evidence - screenshots, messages, anything else you know. Perhaps suggest she contacts the husband and just says she is XYZ and has some information about his wife, and wondered if he'd like to know? And also leave her phone number. That way, he can choose.

Original poster

LanguidLobster · 21/02/2018 21:33

It's just a shame this has happened as they are a lovely family and I thought she had met her 'forever person'.

I'll stay out of any advice about telling OW's husband but I'll post her one cigarette and a lighter and say 'in case of emergencies' as her wife made her quit smoking (which is good, but you know what I mean! An act of defiance)

OP posts:

Thebluedog · 21/02/2018 22:14

I didn’t tell the OW’s husband when I found out my, now, ex dh was having an affair. This was 7 years ago and I still regret never telling him. On the one hand I feel he deserves to know as I’d have hated to be kept in the dark. You simply can’t make any decisions if you don’t know the truth. And on the other hand, as far as I know she’s got away with it and living happily with her family unit still intact

weehedgehog · 21/02/2018 22:25

thebluedog - I told him eventually, but it took many months, and far too long in hindsight. Once he was told, their little bubble burst and I became much clearer what I was dealing with. And things unravelled much faster. It was very painful for me, but at least the not knowing stopped pretty fast. I had always assumed it was just a fling between them, but 1.5 years on and they are back together...

windchimesabotage · 21/02/2018 22:26

No that never ends well. It wont make her feel better it will just drag her further into the mess of it and draw it all out longer. She should make a clean break and focus on herself not waste energy on any of them.

weehedgehog · 21/02/2018 22:26

Lobster - to be fair, I think tempting your friend into a bad, health-damaging habit is far worse than advising her to tell the husband! Especially since it takes so much will power and effort to quit. Though I do understand that you mean it to be an act of defiance. I'd offer her company, suggest to her counselling for herself, and perhaps help her draft the message to the husband.

Koala72 · 21/02/2018 22:30

Agree this bubble needs to burst. Your friend is being treated appallingly. The wife and OW don't deserve any 'discretion'. He should be told and then it will become clear how people really feel and what is going to happen.

Needs to be sorted out for the kids' sake as much as anything.

People behave so badly and selfishly. I'm sorry for your friend.

Original poster

LanguidLobster · 21/02/2018 22:37

weehedgehog oh god, she's not starting smoking again! She doesn't have an addictive personality anyway. It's a bit of an inside joke as we used to cackle with laughter when she first got married and wasn't allowed to smoke and I used to teasingly threaten that I'd make her have one when we met up. I never did!

There isn't any huge drama involved with this, she's understandably very hurt and when I see her in March hopefully she can express her anger. She's an intelligent woman and can decide for herself about the situation.

OP posts:

weehedgehog · 21/02/2018 22:54

not any huge drama...yet. Because it's all under the radar and everyone is 'protecting' them by not revealing the affair. I can assure you that things will change very fast once it's out in the open.

FrancesDestroyed · 21/02/2018 23:06

I don't know. I found out about H's affair 11 months ago. I've only fairly recently found out who her H is; she didn't take his name. Do I tell him his wife was sexting my H whilst she was on her honeymoon or not?

serialcheat · 22/02/2018 01:02

Difficult one........

But I’m veering towards NO.

Just be there for your friend. You both sound lovely !!!!

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