How to handle partner who has got physical?

[blibbka]

My partner and I recently had a row. The subject of the row isn't really important.

Suffice to say that my partner ended up grabbing my throat and pushing me backwards a step or two into the room. Up until this point there had been raised voices and swearing on both sides but no raised hands or otherwise threatening behaviour or words.

I attempted to follow her out of the room, and she tried to close the door on me. I put my arm through the doorway to prevent her from doing so and she closed the door on my arm, hard, three times.

Subsequently I said that I expect her to apologise for being physically violent towards me. I don't want to over-egg the pudding - I was and am not in fear of my safety. None the less, I think this is a red line - we must never get physical in this way and if we do then we need to recognise that it's unacceptable, apologise, and make an honest effort to avoid it happening again.

In any case, no apology or recognition of this has been forthcoming.

I'm not sure what to do. On the one hand, I feel strongly that she needs to apologise. On the other hand, I think that if I mention this again it will likely just lead her to dig her heels in and I don't want to drag the situation out. I'd like to put the thing behind us.

Your thoughts welcomed...

I was you op - exactly the same situation. He never touched me again but the respect had gone and our relationship didn't last much longer. And I am glad. I wished I had ended it right then.

You need to end it, I'm sorry you were put in that situation.

The fact that she's not even recognising that she did anything wrong is pretty concerning, physical violence is never acceptable, I'd be thinking about leaving if I were you

I think this is a red line - we must never get physical in this way and if we do then we need to recognise that it's unacceptable, apologise, and make an honest effort to avoid it happening again.

It's more than a red flag. It's a sign to leave the relationship.

You don't negotiate with an abuser, male or female.

Why aren't you making plans to leave?

I think you need to leave, full stop. Violence is not acceptable, whether it be a man or a woman. You say you're not in fear for your safety, is this because she's a woman? What if next time she has a knife in her hand?

Is their anything else at play here? Is she grieving, does she have post natal depression, is she on meds that affect her behaviour? Honestly if there aren't any 'excuses' I would consider ending the relationship. As a PP said where's the respect here?

I am sorry your partner has done this, i hope you are ok and that your arm isnt too sore.
Just wait until the next time she hits you then you will have the opportunity to demand an apology again.
Do not fool yourself into thinking it won't happen again , it will. So your choice at this point is to respect yourself more than she does, accept that you are in a violent relationship and start making plans to end it/exit it safely.
Or
Start walking on eggshells as to avoid her physically attacking you again.
Are there children involved in this situation?

Yes there are two young children involved.

I see that the responses so far have been "end it", basically.

That feels drastic to me. We have had heated rows in the past. About a year ago one reached a point where I pushed her (not over, not hard - but a push none-the-less). I apologised after and made clear that there were no excuses. I've not done anything similar since. We subsequently started down the route of Relate counselling but had to stop due to lack of time.

Thinking about it, a week or so ago there was a minor incident, when in the midst of a row she put one finger up ("up yours" kind of thing) and pushed it into my face. Not hard enough to hurt - but that's not the point.

So I am concerned by the "physical" line being crossed twice in a week or so.

Generally speaking our relationship is up and down. We have good times but are both sensitive people so perhaps a bit easily offended. She is rather impatient, often stressed and seems to have a short fuse a lot of the time. I've made efforts to help in this regard - suggesting that she take the weekend away every now and then so as to get a break from Mum duties. This is an offer which she's never taken up (much to my frustration).

Perhaps rather than ending it - it should be more a case of either we end it or we make time for counselling and prioritise it?

@littlemisscooper.

She is on anti-depressants, has been for some time. She finds it hard work being a "full-time Mum". She does lack self-esteem which gets her into all kinds of emotional difficulty I feel.

@forumdonkey - I'm not in fear of my safety because I don't think she had lost the plot entirely. I think her closing the door on my arm was a deliberate effort to "hurt me a bit". God that sounds bad.

What I'm saying is that I think she knew what she was doing rather than having lost the plot totally in which case who knows where it'd have ended.

Fact remains of course; the lack of respect and lack of acknowledgement is a root problem.

That feels drastic to me.
Seriously???
I don't care if you are male or female.
The only acceptable amount of abuse is ANY relationships is NONE!
If this was male on female the consequences could be devastating.
Hand around throat is potentially murder!!!
It really IS that serious.
This is not something children should be around.
SS now consider being in an abusive home the same as being abused.
Do NOT put up with it.
Do NOT brush it under the carpet
The only thing you can do is make your exit plan and get away fast.
If you need profession support then MANKIND can help you.

I do agree that children shouldn’t be around this level of anger and aggression. I would consider leaving temporarily with the kids to give her a chance to see what she’s doing and make some changes.

@blibbka read what you've put. 'She's not entirely lost the plot' but is deliberately hurting you.
Your poor DC's, having been where you are, I can say that because out of all my memories of physical and emotional abuse in my marriage ( including losing a tooth from a punch) my most painful memory is my DC's petrified and cowering in fear on the sofa while their father screamed at me

Sorry OP but I think you're in denial here.

You don't 'handle' someone who is physically violent to you, you leave them.

Going for your throat is a massive red flag.

Yes there are two young children involved

Do you want then growing up thinking this is acceptable behaviour?

Oh OP, I feel really sad for you. It seems from your posts that you really do love your partner, but her behaviour is absolutely disgraceful.

Something has to happen, you leave, she leaves or you go to some further counselling on the understanding that if it doesn't work, it's the end of your relationship.

You need to act for your DC's if not for yourself.

You need to remove your children from this situation, urgently.

She finds it hard work being a "full-time Mum"

I would have a serious think about whether she is showing the same levels of aggression towards your children.

Physical violence is never acceptable, and anything around the throat especially is very concerning.

I would say though that trying to push your way into following someone out of a room from an argument is escalating behaviour in the sense that it "keeps the fight going" - if they are trying to leave the situation, let them leave. Following them out of a room and jamming your arm into the door to stop it closing is rather putting yourself in harms way - you knew she was raging, you dont stick your arm in a door when someone is like that without a decent chance of further injury.

You leave. Immediately

You can come back

But not until she recognises her behaviour as unacceptable

You don't have to physically be harmed to be a domestic abuse victim.

There's a huge amount of anger in your relationship and physical violence on both sides, there's nothing left to save. You need to break up.
Regarding your poor children who are suffering hugely in the middle of this mess (don't kid yourself into thinking they don't know!), you need to work out whether they are safe alone with eavh or you, and if not, to take steps to protect them.

Fuck me
There are 2 children involved
Even more reason to stop making excuses and show them what a relationship shouldn't be
Get out of there, what advice did you think we'd give you?

This relationship will ruin your children's child hood. You are subjecting them to a future of a whole manner of problems. Their mother is frustrated angry stressed and struggling to control her temper.
They need protecting from the effects that growing up in this environment will have on them.
Do you realise as a child how scared you are listening to your parents verbally and physically abuse eachother.
I grew up in this situation it's not a coincidence I found myself in an abusive relationship with a violent alcoholic.
No level of physical violence, for whatever reason, is acceptable. Your DO is an adult it is her responsibility to get the help she needs and if that means her leaving the family home to do it then so be it. Please don't minimise the effect this will have on you and your children.

I find it strange that you think that it's better that she was deliberately violent in order to hurt you than that she lost the plot tbh. Either is unacceptable (and, to my mind, unforgivable), but calculated violence seems more worrying to me.

What a nasty relationship. Your children deserve better, even if you don’t think you do. They won’t be able to rationalise violence. Get out!

we must never get physical in this way and if we do then we need to recognise that it's unacceptable, apologise, and make an honest effort to avoid it happening again

So it must NEVER happen again....but when it does we need to apologise. And try not to let it happen again. Until it does. But as long as we are making an honest effort for it not to, then when it does happen again it won't be so bad because at least we've acknowledged that we shouldn't...

Violence is unacceptable. Your partner slammed your arm in a door repeatedly. And choked you.

You can wait for it to happen again. Or you can leave now.

You shouldn't have put your arm in the way or the door and prevented her from getting away from you. I would feel threatened if someone did that to me.

She shouldn't have been physical back.

You're both wrong and need a think of your kids.