How to handle partner who has got physical?

[blibbka]

My partner and I recently had a row. The subject of the row isn't really important.

Suffice to say that my partner ended up grabbing my throat and pushing me backwards a step or two into the room. Up until this point there had been raised voices and swearing on both sides but no raised hands or otherwise threatening behaviour or words.

I attempted to follow her out of the room, and she tried to close the door on me. I put my arm through the doorway to prevent her from doing so and she closed the door on my arm, hard, three times.

Subsequently I said that I expect her to apologise for being physically violent towards me. I don't want to over-egg the pudding - I was and am not in fear of my safety. None the less, I think this is a red line - we must never get physical in this way and if we do then we need to recognise that it's unacceptable, apologise, and make an honest effort to avoid it happening again.

In any case, no apology or recognition of this has been forthcoming.

I'm not sure what to do. On the one hand, I feel strongly that she needs to apologise. On the other hand, I think that if I mention this again it will likely just lead her to dig her heels in and I don't want to drag the situation out. I'd like to put the thing behind us.

Your thoughts welcomed...

Seriously notsosprightly. She had tried to choke the op......wtf.
Well that solves it then, it was all the ops fault for putting their arm in the way, of course she had no choice to repeatedly slam the door shut on it in a bid to cause pain.
How silly we all are.

What?! She attacked the OP and then tried to shut him in a room. What do you mean 'she shouldn't have been physical back'? There was no 'back'? The violence was one-sided.

Just to stress: She did not choke me, she put a hand on my neck and pushed, enough to make me take a small step back. She did not slam the door on my arm; the arm was inbetween the door and frame, and she pushed it harder into my arm in three thrusts.

It doesn't change the principles but I was not literally choked and the door was not slammed. If it had been I'd not be posting here but ending it already.

You've already got to violence before anything physical.

Your relationship is on track for becoming even more unhealthy than it already is.

The only way to stop this is a shock to the system for you both. Leave!

There's no other way to do it and no counsellor is going to sit there and work through it with you both together.

Seek counselling seperately and leave for now.

You can come back LATER

Oh well that's ok then op. Putting your hand around someone's throat and applying pressure is kind of choking though.
And repeatedly shutting a door on your arm isn't any less violent than slamming a door.
It's interesting how you chose to return and defend your wife while not mentioning any of the warnings given about the damage that is being done to your children's mental health.
You came here for advice, you have got it. End this relationship and get help for you. Not your wife, you can't fix her, but for you..
You can't make this situation better by minimising this act of violence or ignoring the damaging effect on you and your children as a result.

Ah, I misread the OP. Sorry.

I thought the OP said he followed into into the room and she was trying to get away.

If she refuses to accept this is a problem then you really do have a big problem here. She needs to see her GP about her anger issues. You both need to work on your communication styles as it sounds as if things reach boiling point resulting in huge rows which should never happen.

In 30ish years of marriage, not all perfect, we have never had a physical argument and very rarely even a shouting one. Plenty of disagreements and angry moments, we simply dealt with them.

blibbka,

The only acceptable level of abuse in any relationship is NONE. Your partner has crossed that line into violence against you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see violence back then as well?. I am wondering where your mindset here is coming from.

Abuse is about power and control, not a lack of communication. This person wants absolute over you. Its also not your fault your partner is the ways she is either; her own family of origin did that to her. She is basically conducting her own private based war against you. Such people as well never apologise nor importantly accept any responsibility for their actions.

Read up on the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and you will see that this is a continuous cycle.

Your only real option going forward here is to leave this person. Am sorry if that is not what you want to read but this person and the relationship is not more important than you or these children who are seeing violence in their home. Your home is supposed to be a sanctuary; this is anything but to them as well.

What do you think your kids are learning here about relationships, you want this for them going forward as well?

She has a problem with anger but not in the ways you think and I would think she does not actually have an anger management problem particularly if she can and does behave well around others in the outside world.

AM courses are not a good response nor the answer at all to domestic violence.

She has a problem with anger, your anger when you understandably call her out on her behaviours.

@alittlebitconfused et al

The responses here have affected my thinking, and I do take note of everything you say particularly regarding the kids. I don't want to say too much suffice to say that my resolve not to tolerate this has been hardened and changes will be coming.

OK, hands up here. I am female and once grabbed the collar of my DP's jacket during a row and shook him.

He weighs twice as much as me so nothing really happened but he said it was unacceptable and I completely agree.

I was very remorseful and ashamed and I have NEVER done ANYTHING like that since in the subsequent 10 years of our relationship.

So I am very glad he didn't end it after that.

But I suppose the difference here is I recognised I had crossed a line and your partner does not.

I don't think any of this is acceptable. But I have to ask, have you taken leave of your senses?

You have pushed your partner.
You followed her in to another room when she was trying to leave? Why?

You are both as bad as each other. Sounds toxic. Swearing and using vile language and then being physical with each other is appalling - and around children?

The pair of you need to sort your shit out. You are just as responsible for the atmosphere your children have to live in as your partner is.

If you can't control yourself then you have to leave, so does your partner. Take responsibility for those two kids.

@heron98 - may I ask; was that kind of row (where things reach such a temperature) a rarity? Have they become less common?

@Whatwouldkeithrichardsdo

The incident when I shoved my partner was about a year ago. The point being that I have not done anything similar since and it's something I am determined not to repeat.

I followed my partner as she left the kitchen to remonstrate with her for grabbing my throat. I think that is pretty understandable really. The implication that I was somehow stalking her around the house is rather wide of the mark. She attempted to close the door in my face, and pushed it shut on my arm when I attempted to prevent her from doing so.

Do agree though that if we cannot control ourselves then we should not be under the same roof with the kids.

@blibbka

I'm glad you see something has to change.

When someone attacks you, you don't follow them. That is pouring fuel on the fire. You demonstrate that their behavior is unacceptable by withdrawing. You immediately show them where the line is that they crossed.

And you pushed her. Do not minimize it. You have pushed her. That sends a signal that physical violences is somehow part of the dynamic here.

Please ask yourself how you think you can communicate without foul language, without raised voices, without ever getting to the stage where either one of you thinks you can touch the other person. It isn't normal .

@blibbka

Yes, they are very much a rarity. We hardly ever argue and when we do they tend not to be very heated.

Thank-you everyone.

My ex used to follow me around the house talking at me and trying to force me to agree with him.

I'm mostly non-violent and I don't lose my temper much but when I'm really annoyed I need to get away and calm down. I can't think with someone in my face.

Trying to force an apology when you are both angry is only going to escalate things more. I think the subject of your row may be important. Why are you having rows all the time?

I wouldn't want children to be growing up in an unsafe environment like that.

Just trying to understand the dynamics (& potential excuses!) going on here... are you a lot bigger or stronger than your partner? I have sometimes seen physical violence creep into relationships with the ‘weaker’ partner kind of absolving themselves of any blame or accountability simply because of their ‘weak’ status. Ie I’m the weaker person so I can’t hurt you because I have so much less physical impact nothing I do can really matter... type of fake reasoning.

Obviously this is WRONG! I’m just airing it as I’m wondering if that’s why you’re partner doesn’t seem to even acknowledge what she’s done, or seem to think she should apologise.

Whereas the reality is that this is physical abuse. It’s violence, pure and simple. Ugly, nasty and hurt filled.

And she needs to take responsibility, own the size and power of her actions, and only then can the both of you address what has happened, together and separately.