Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me or him?

32 replies

Lauren18 · 20/02/2018 18:21

Hi,

So I've been with my bf for over 5 years now and feel like I'm going crazy so I really need some advice,

Basically he's always been a bit of a stress head but now it's getting to me, he seems to be in a mood constantly, always criticising everything I do I feel I can't do anything right at all,
*if there's traffic and I'm home later(1 hour at least commute) everyday he's in a mood thinking I've been to see someone on the way home,

  • if I make plans with my friends(the ones I have left)he goes in a mood telling me I have no time for him even though I feel like I can't leave his side! I feel like I'm treading on eggshells making plans,

he doesn't work and stays up til 6 in the morning and he wakes about half hour before I get home, house is a sht tip, no tea started, then starts cleaning when I'm home so I help, he sleeps all day but as soon as I finish work he needs to do all his stuff so I have to do it with him( I can't remember the last time I could finish work and chill)

  • when I'm in a good mood, he'll make smart remarks/ name calling( to bring me down because he's unhappy I think)

He does name call a lot but he says it's banter

*when I ask him to do me a favour he says no coz he's chilling doing nothing but smoke weed

I am actually wondering wtf as I'm writing this but basically I'm suffering with depression and severe anxiety at the moment and have lost a lot of weight

My question is, am I being oversensitive because of my depression? I don't know anymore my heads a mess, I'm so confused I feel like I can't make decisions on my own anymore,

Any advice is very much aporeaciated,

Thanks

OP posts:
justme28 · 20/02/2018 18:23

You're absolutely not being oversensitive. It sounds like he doesn't have much of a life and he's probably jealous that you do so trying to control that.

So much easier said than done but you need to move on from this relationship.

luelle · 20/02/2018 18:24

You aren't being over sensitive. This sounds emotionally abusive and you deserve so much better. You should seek help and leave him. You aren't the problem. Sending hugs OP Thanks

PawsyMcPawFace · 20/02/2018 18:25

You might find your depression and anxiety lifts once you get rid of this cock lodger. What's in it for you?

Do you own a house/rent together?

PawsyMcPawFace · 20/02/2018 18:26

What's stopping you from leaving? Genuine question, not being funny

SandyY2K · 20/02/2018 18:28

I'll be blunt...he's a waste of space. Smoking weed...not...earning...what value does he add to your life?

Lostlily · 20/02/2018 18:28

I think sounds like a very emotionally abusive co dependant relationship. If you are depressed, it snot wonder living in that environment and it sounds like he is depressed as well by how you describe his existence.
If you are able to, I would have a break and a good think about what exactly you are getting out of this relationship? and whether it is something you want to carry on with for another 5 years of your life

TheNaze73 · 20/02/2018 18:28

I’d get out, he doesn’t sound like a nice person at all

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/02/2018 18:30

I think he is the root cause of your depression and anxiety and I think you would feel better if you and he were not together any longer. He is the root cause too of you having spaghetti head; such parasitical men do that to their chosen targets.

Why are your boundaries in relationships so low that he is in your life at all?.

Why are you with him at all now, what do you get out of this relationship with this stoned individual who does not work and sleeps a lot?. He is an emotionally abusive cocklodger.

Lostlily · 20/02/2018 18:31

what exactly are you getting our of this relationship? seriously...respect yourself a little more and its no wonder you are anxious and depressed living in that environment

MachineBee · 20/02/2018 18:33

I think you’ve realised from your post that he isn’t bringing anything positive to your relationship. Nothing wrong with your judgement - time to move on I think. Or him to move out if the house/flat is in your name.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/02/2018 18:35

What a waste of space this man is! Smokes weed all night, sleeps all day and when he is awake he's paranoid... Bet he's never connected that with weed, has he?

What's your financial situation? Do you rent your home? Is it in joint names?

I agree with the others that you really need to get out of this relationship - it's very, very damaging.

AdalindSchade · 20/02/2018 18:36

Guarantee your mental health will get better when you get rid of this tosser. He's awful.

Hermonie2016 · 20/02/2018 18:37

He is devaluing and controlling you due to his issues.
Your anxiety will be due to him, your body is reacting to the stress.Feeling as if you are going crazy is very common in abusive relationships.

Do you feel you can leave him?

ginch · 20/02/2018 18:41

Sorry OP, but what's in this relationship for you?

Pretty obvious what's in it for him.

RaspberryCheese · 20/02/2018 18:43

wow,, when i think of what a decent guy i am,i do wonder why women put up with this shit. Get out now FFS.

Original poster
Lauren18 · 20/02/2018 18:44

Hi all,

Thanks for your responses,

We used to live together but like I said if I got home late he'd tell me he thinks I should stay at my mums that night, or he'll get in a mood with me before work then say my stuff will be in the garden when I get back so I was in tears all day at my desk worrying where I'd sleep that night if he did that,

So I thought it was us both in a tiny flat I decided to get my own place(obviously he went mad)

But I thought things were improving because of the extra space we both had, no, he still thinks I should help him clean his fly because I go there to see gim(he won't come to me) I have a car and he doesn't but it's poor as we now line a 5 min walk apart,

I don't know what I'm getting out of this relationship I don't know what's normal this is ny first relationship so I don't know what's normal,

Please help I feel like I'm going to end up losing my mind completely

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauren18 · 20/02/2018 18:46

This is my first relationship like I said I feel like I may be now semi brainwashed with it all, but what is normal I don't know that's the problem?!

Thanks

OP posts:
bakingdemon · 20/02/2018 18:49

This isn't normal. It isn't normal for a grown adult not to work if they're perfectly capable of it. It's not normal to abuse your partner. It's not normal to smoke weed. It's not normal to be nocturnal. It's not normal to refuse to see your partner at their home and expect them to tidy yours. You are worth so so much more than him. You need to end it and look after yourself.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 20/02/2018 18:49

If you're not happy then it's a bad relationship whatever the issues. A relationship should enhance your life so even if he wasn't the cunt he sounds and was lovely in every way, if your'e not happy you end it.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/02/2018 18:53

The only way you will stop feeling like you are losing is your mind is to ditch this waste of space loser quick sharp.
Honestly... there are sooo many red flags it's frightening that you have to even ask.
Please contact Womens Aid and talk to them about doing their Freedom Programme.
Then you can get out there and find someone worthy of you.
I think you might find your depression lifts a bit when this dead weight has gone from around your neck.
Throw this one back.
There are far better out there.

MoneyWhatMoney · 20/02/2018 18:59

OP, I'm going to give you a rundown of what I consider 'normal'

Me and DH work full time Mon-Fri (no children). He get home before me everyday. He comes home, walks the dogs and puts tea on. I come in, put a load of washing on / tidy up a bit. We eat, so a bit of work or I crochet with the tv in. We chat about our day and have a bit of a snuggle either on the sofa or in bed.
On a weekend, we spend a Saturday morning doing the boring housework jobs. We do half each, and we swap which jobs each weekend if it's a chore neither of us like. The we spend our time either out with our friends (but not each other), seeing family, or off doing things together.
He goes out once or twice a week without me. I enjoy the time alone. Same the other way around.
We talk, he supports me, he tells me I'm good at my job (although hes never worked with me so he has no idea Grin).
We have the odd arguement, we're political opposites, he annoys me by leaving his shoes in the middle of the floor, I annoy him but saying I'll be home at 7 and coming home at 8. But we love each other so it works.
That's normal. Having someone who doesn't work, won't come and see you, expects you to clean his flat, is negative and tries to bring you down - that is an abusive relationship. You deserve better.

Tomorrow, go to work, finish, go home - to your house. Have some food, a bath, watch tv, relax. Don't see him. Don't text or call him. Have a full night off then look back at how peaceful that was and LTB!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/02/2018 19:00

Normal would be someone who supports you, makes you feel good about yourself, can look after himself, makes you feel proud to be in relationship with him, is good company.

Have a bit of time being single and see how it feels. I can recommend it!

rollingonariver · 20/02/2018 19:02

None of this is normal and he's a twat. Tbh though if you're unhappy it wouldn't matter if it's normal or not you've got to leave him and live life. What do you get out of the relationship? Being on edge and feeling like crap about yourself? I bet you'd feel much happier if you left him.

Whocansay · 20/02/2018 19:09

You don't live with him, he doesn't work, but the lazy fucker expects you to clean his flat?

Why would you do this? Why did you not laugh and tell him where to go?

I suspect your depression would evaporate if you got rid of this twat.

Worldsworstcook · 20/02/2018 19:14

@moneywhatmoney

Hats off to you (I'm bowing). You summed this up perfectly,

Op this is a relationship, thus is respect, love and caring. No one is a dogs body, used as an emotional punch bag or made to feel nervous or anxious anticipating another's reaction.

You've got the flat, use it. It's your haven from this mess of a relationship. Move on and I'm sure your anxiety and depression will decrease. Call it off and block his number. Have a good life. He's a lazy arse and an emotional abuser.