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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fed up with him making me cry all the time

32 replies

SunshineYouAreMySunshine · 19/02/2018 08:12

I am so fed up. I'm quite a cryer anyways but my partner is pushing me so much. I'm 17 weeks pregnant and I wish he would learn that shouting and getting irate doesn't help me and my way of handling things. I'm no angel at All but it seems he just doesn't care about me when I'm upset. This morning he got pissed because a woman next door was shouting at her child repeatedly and woke us up. He started knocking on the wall and I told him to leave it. He proceeds to then tell me to fuck off and then we go into a shouting match because he's also pissed off he's got no baccy. Im pretty sure at that point we woke up the rest of the flats!!! Every time we argue I cry my eyes out because I'm scared this is gonna be happening forever. I don't want my baby to see or hear us arguing I'm just scared

OP posts:
fusspot66 · 19/02/2018 08:15

This will get worse and worse. He's doing the classic abusive man thing of ramping up his aggression just when youre vulverable. You need to leave before it gets worse. Sorry.

Original poster
SunshineYouAreMySunshine · 19/02/2018 08:23

Tbh I've told myself this so many times - but I do love him dearly and he really helped turned my life around and has given me a family! But arguing has always been our really weak point in that it doesn't have no limit. You're right, and he doesn't even care when he gets like this and will deny it that he's being abusive, manipulative etc. But hours later we'll make up and it's all forgotten. I just feel so stuck

OP posts:
TheHulksPurplePants · 19/02/2018 08:28

Sounds like my STBX-H. It doesn't get better I'm afraid. :(

lanebaby · 19/02/2018 08:31

Sorry you're going through this! Thanks
Right now you have the best reason in the world to look after yourself, that little baby! And shouting and Mum being upset can't be nice for you and baby.
He sounds very uncaring!

LesisMiserable · 19/02/2018 08:32

Stop crying and start being pro-active and talking instead. You cry he shouts, your communication as a couple is clearly shit. You either decide together whilst calm to work out better ways of expressing yourself to each other or you stop crying and leave him. If you can't have a conversation about this its over anyway. You're well aware this is shit, if you continue to do nothing about it now, you're as culpable as him to be honest.

MrsBertBibby · 19/02/2018 08:49

So that wasn't a situation that arose because you were crying. It arose because he was angry and acting out.

Of course there are positive things about him, but the truth is he's a nasty abusive bully. It will get worse when the baby is born. Does this ring any bells?

www.whiteribbon.org.au/understand-domestic-violence/what-is-domestic-violence/cycle-of-violence/

I think you need to plan your exit before you have the baby.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 19/02/2018 08:50

Unfortunately huni it's quite common for abuse to begin or escalate during pregnancy. I get you love him and know only too well how scary the thought of being a single parent is but this will get worse, you only have to read the stats and look at the real life experiences on here to see that is fact not fiction.
You say you love him, I don't doubt that but you have chose to become a parent, that means the needs of your little one must now come first.
Being brought up in this type of environment will have long lasting impact on that baby. It will ruin their childhood and as a young child there is nothing more frightening than listening to your parents verbally rip chunks out of eachother. It distorts your views of healthy relationships.
Trust me I know this first hand.
It is fact that children raised in abusive homes (make no excuses for this situation it is a verbally abusive and volatile relationship) are highly likely to become either abused or abusers in adult relationships. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh as I know you are upset but is that what you want for your child?
I would suggest one of two things need to happen, either you both get help, separately. Him for his temper and abusive character and you to help you work out why you think you deserve to be treated this way.
Or you split up and do this alone.

Original poster
SunshineYouAreMySunshine · 19/02/2018 11:00

Thank you everyone for all your comments. Of course we have now already made up. I actually stop myself from crying in front of him because I used to do it quite a lot but have managed to get a bit stronger in that aspect, it used to make the situation worse, now I cry afterwards from just thinking it all over and thinking about it carrying on. He was angry this morning because he didn't like the way the child was being spoken to (brings back memories) but also didn't like the way I followed him and proceeded to argue - which tbh is a bad aspect of me because I want to not argue so try and resolve but really just need to take time out. We are a lot better than we used to be, and I know he loves me as much as I love him. He does have anger problems and he knows that and I'm sure in the future he will get help for that if it ever effects family life. I think counselling is a major thing I want to look into for us because I can't handle arguments and neither can he, he's kind of so emotional that he can't deal with mine too.

OP posts:
ALittleBitConfused1 · 19/02/2018 12:42

So you are now making excuses for him, it's all your fault isn't it. Why did hearing the child being shouted at bring back bad memories for him? Is it because he was screamed and shouted at as a child? So now when he gets angry he screams and shouts and calls you names, see what I mean about abusive childhoods creating abusive adults. Please don't make that the only thing your child has to look forward to.
I hope he gets help for that temper prior to beating the shit out of you (or your child) and please don't think that will never happen. Many women before you have made that mistake and realised how wrong they were. It's funny because I have never screamed for someone I love to fuck off. I have never manipulated any one I love and bully them to the point they are crying, that's not love.
A name here, a fuck off there, screaming and shouting can quickly turn into a push here or a door slammed in your face there. I wouldnt go to counselling together go sepatately, let him work on his issues while you work on yours.

Bakedappleflavour · 19/02/2018 12:45

Bin him bin him bin him. He is abusive. It will get worse and worse and worse.

Desmondo2016 · 19/02/2018 12:47

Bin him. He sounds hideous.

EllieMentry · 19/02/2018 14:07

He does have anger problems and he knows that and I'm sure in the future he will get help for that if it ever effects family life.

It is already affecting family life.

PeppermintPasty · 19/02/2018 14:10

He will do the same thing to your child.

Hissy · 19/02/2018 14:12

GEt out NOW

while you still can and while you are not a new mum

this man will only bring you misery, he will blight your life and your baby's. Better to rip off the plaster now and get him gone, so you can heal and be strong for when your baby comes

You wanted a child, you have one (on the way) now, he's done his job, he won't be any more use to you. He will only ever damage you and your child

BitOutOfPractice · 19/02/2018 14:12

He didn't like the way the child was being spoken to but has no problem with shouting at you...

Thebluedog · 19/02/2018 14:13

He didn’t like the way the child was being spoken to, it brings back memories. Does he realise that he’s doing the same to you, and when your dc is born he’ll continue that cycle.

fruity12 · 19/02/2018 14:28

How long have you been together btw?
I know 100% from reading your post you won't leave. Maybe not now, maybe never but I definitely do not believe you are thinking of leaving anytime soon.
If you are honest with yourself you will agree with me?
My ex partner ( of a few weeks by the way so I am proof you CAN leave btw ) is EXACTLY what you have just described - he gets angry when I cry. If you read my posts you will see I've tried also, love him with all my heart and if you read my post from today you will see I am struggling, heartbroken and not sure how I can move on. I cannot eat, sleep, concentrate and I have come on here as I know I will get the advice I need NOT to go back. I am having a weak moment. I may not be pregnant but I do have a child and so for the same reasons as you, you need to protect your baby here.
I would personally advise you to book counselling ASAP
Even your wordings says IF it affects us or in the future?! It is affecting you NOW.
I'd like to advice you to leave !
Leave like I have
But I know your not near ready...because I could have wrote this post a while ago.
I'm currently living at my mums from a suitcase with my whole life at his still and in the process of moving
It's hard and horrible but I know I can't live with someone who doesn't care when I cry. I have a house to move into in a few weeks, I'm scared and doing it alone but from what I've been through I won't put myself through anymore abuse
Me and my little one deserve better
Honestly I dont think you are there yet but I bet you 100% you will be....
It might take until your baby is born, it might be months later or years even....but I hope not for yours and your babies sake.
How is he going to cope with a crying baby????
Unless you and him make huge massive changes to your relationship and seek professional help I can't see it happening on our own
I'm not saying it to be right but I've been in your situation and I do believe men like this it only gets worse, other posters, am I right??

SandyY2K · 19/02/2018 14:38

I think he had every right to be upset about the way the child eas being spoken to and that was hard to hear...I don't think him banging on the wall was that bad...at least the mother will realise others can hear and might report her.

I personally would have left my partner to it.

This isn't a situation that should have caused a row between you.

From his perspective..you were making him out to be the bad guy..when it was the mum next door...I think that's what caused it to escalate.

As for all the other times you've argued...I can't comment on.

AllTheWayDown · 19/02/2018 14:42

*He will do the same thing to your child
*
^^
Cannot stress enough how true this is.

My sister went through the same thing you're going through. Her ex was never violent but doesn't mean he wasn't Abusive. He would shout and scream at her, call her all the names under the sun and she thought once she had the baby he would stop, he carried on and it got worse then he started shouting and screaming at their daughter until one day she found the courage to leave.
Please, please op think about you and your baby, he or she is already being affected by this, they can feel your stress and how upset your are. He will not stop doing this to you. Please stop making excuses for him.

fruity12 · 19/02/2018 14:48

I don't agree with letting him bang on the walls
My ex used to shout out the window re the neighbours dog to stop barking and I too asked him not to, it's abusive and horrible and not normal behaviour. My ex used it as an excuse to behave that way, not ok
I agree it's not right for the mother to do it, report her to social services and police -
And he also told op to fuck off ?!when she asked him not to bang on the wall? Again my ex used to do this, not ok
If he is talking to her like this now
It's now he will talk to her when baby comes

AgathaF · 19/02/2018 14:49

He does have anger problems and he knows that and I'm sure in the future he will get help for that if it ever effects family life - it's already affecting your life. How bad will it need to get?
If he's committed to you and the baby then he needs to get help for this now. No excuses.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 19/02/2018 14:53

You're right fruity the op won't leave, not yet. I just wished she could see the damage to the child this will cause.
Hopefully she will realise he doesn't love her and find the courage to leave before too much damage has been done.
I found the strength to leave 10 months ago, well I say to leave in reality I found the strength to press charges. Press charges after his verbal abuse escalated to mental torture, which then turned to threatening behaviour, after that came the intimidation and finally violence. An attack lasting nearly two hours, among threats to kill etc.
God I wished I'd left sooner. I'm still putting myself back together now. My ex was raised in a home full of abuse and drama, he turned into an abuser. I was raised in a home with an alcoholic parent it's no coincidence I found myself with an alcoholic abuser.
Well done for putting your child first and getting the hell out of there fruity. Op please keep yourself safe and get some support from women's aid or a similar local help group they will help you find the strength to realise you don't deserve this and you can do this alone when you're ready.

fruity12 · 19/02/2018 14:57

Littlebitconfused so sorry you went through all that
Well done for getting out
Let's hope op makes a change and soon. Is sad as it sounds like me a year or so ago, knows you have to leave but too scared to
Don't get me wrong I am scared now but I've done it I left

SandyY2K · 19/02/2018 15:04

You can't compare a dog barking to a mother shouting at her child. A dog owner can't stop it barking...you can stop shouting at your child.

Like I said...if there are other incidents causing issues...they need to be dealt with.

I suspect this isn't the first time he's told her to F*off..sadly the OP has accepted and tolerated this by staying.

I very much doubt he was Prince charming and turned nasty 17 weeks ago.

Red flags get ignored and women go on to have children with men like this....because of love/desperation/fear of time running out...whatever...but it's not a healthy relationship if you're being shouted at all the time.

fruity12 · 19/02/2018 15:18

I totally agree and didn't actually say it was the same thing, what is the same is the response and actions of an aggressive man banging on the wall being unreasonable then turning on his gfriend and telling her to fuck off

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