Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it possible....?!

71 replies

Mentalmum91 · 18/02/2018 15:37

Without getting into a huge amount of detail I'm just wondering, I am currently pregnant with baby number 3, and have two little ones who are 3 and 5 from previous relationship.

Myself and partner are in a position where likely the only way we will stay together is to live between two houses for probably 5+ years. Ie, live in my house Monday-friday and stay Friday night-sunday in partners house approx 45mins away (probably 1HR 15mins on a Friday night) so essentially for 5+ years carting children along with all their stuff backwards and forwards. Other children stay with ex partner 1 night every weekend (around the corner from my house) so will mean travelling back to do handovers/pickups from his house and my two will be really be living between 3 houses if that makes sense?

Are we crazy or us it doable? Moving either way is not optional so this is a last ditch attempt at staying together. We have thought out every other option and they don't work for one reason or another.

We have our differences as every couple does but as a couple are happy and want to stay together with baby. Is it possible or should we cut out losses now? Thanks in advance xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mentalmum91 · 19/02/2018 18:00

Thanks ladies today was a really awful day and you have made me feel a lot better with your kind words. Focusing on work and the kids for now and am going to start buying the big baby stuff at the weekend. Hopefully that will cheer me up! I had been putting it off until we sorted ourselves out as he wanted to be involved in choosing everything but obviously now I have no reason to wait! I have a pram picked out so will make a day of it with the kids and my mum. I also have a girls night planned on Friday with a few friends so they always know how to cheer me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mentalmum91 · 19/02/2018 18:02

What's lbt?

OP posts:
Thesmallthings · 19/02/2018 18:18

He's making this a problem not the situation.

He doesn't want to commit to you full time and or diesnt have much faith in your relationship so doesn't want to give up his house.

There s no reason why he can't pop down see his family for a bit then pop back.. or does he spend ALL weekend with his family which will a problem any way.

BikeRunSki · 19/02/2018 18:30

LTB = leave the bastard

I still can't see why he can't move in with you, and go and visit his family for the day/part of day at the weekend. Well I can now, because he's a selfish so and so, but that would seem to be the answer. They are not that far away!

Youngmystery · 19/02/2018 19:25

Think really you shouldn't have a child with a man-child but too late for that.

You may think you stand a chance at a relationship here, but to be honest, you're now a single mother with 3 kids to 2 fathers. One father is unlikely to have much involvement.

midsummabreak · 20/02/2018 09:36

I am sorry, but why should MentalMum feel depressed she is "now a single mother with three kids to two fathers" ??
She is a very lucky single mother and can breathe a sigh of relief, if she escapes this oppressive relationship with such a selfish man.

It seems irrelevant here to discuss that MentalMum91 's children have different fathers. Is it meant to point out out a negative ? I disagree with the insinuation that any mother is more superior because her children are from same father.
What makes a mum amazing has nothing to do with circumstances of whether relationships with their partners have or have not survived. It is about a. trillion other things, like, how much they love their children to the moon and back,........and how willing they are to show their commitment, by admitting to mistakes, by seeking support when their parenting is not the best, by being open to listening- to their children, to their community, to other mums

BitOutOfPractice · 20/02/2018 09:41

he isn't interested in trying anymore

How has he actually "tried" at all?

You will definitely be less stressed doing it alone OP. I wish you all the very best Thanks

SparklyMagpie · 20/02/2018 09:51

This has made me feel so angry!

Who does he think he is? He can't even prioritise his own child

You're so much better off OP, and it will be hard at times but you'll get through it

Enjoy buying for your baby :) x

purplelass · 20/02/2018 09:59

I understand that you're in an impossible situation but I believe that you should do whatever is least disruptive for the children then make the rest of your plans around that.
If that means you only get to see your DP on a couple of nights a week, so be it. If he wants to be more involved then it's up to him to make the effort.
Good luck - sounds like a nightmare!

ThisLittleKitty · 20/02/2018 10:35

Young mystery hasn't said anything rude at all just stated facts. The op is a single mum to 3 with 2 different dads that's a fact. The single mum is relevant aswell as op obviously wasn't planning on going in to this as a single mum.

MiddleAgedMe · 20/02/2018 11:59

No one can tell you to end the relationship, but doing an hours commute with a baby and two under 5's basically three times a week to a different home is ridiculous. What is wrong with this man that he doesn't realise this or that he can't put you and his child first? He sounds very selfish and selfish men are bloody awful to live with :(

MiddleAgedMe · 20/02/2018 12:02

Ok, just read some more of your comments. What a pathetic excuse for a man. Sorry it worked out this way for you xx

Original poster
Mentalmum91 · 06/03/2018 17:50

So a quick update. Basically I went through a really rough patch (I have been and am currently on meds for depression) and after speaking to docs to get meds upped so I was feeling a little more myself, I asked him for a bit of support since he hadn't been about. He was there for a few days and it was nice albeit he was quite cold. Until we had the 'chat' again this weekend and I basically got re-dumped for the same reasons. Yay....not. So I'm happy enough that this is never going to work out and that I gave it my all and the baby will be loved by both of us, even if we aren't together and I'm the one doing the major share (although that would have been the case if we'd stayed together anyway) but the thought of raising 3 kids alone is pretty daunting. Financially I don't know how I will cope, nevermind the exhaustion! And it looks like I'll have to go back to work earlier than I'd like to make it work financially too. But 3 kids, a demanding job full time.....and on my own! How do people cope?? Anyone any tips?

OP posts:
springydaff · 06/03/2018 21:12

A day at a time Flowers

What an absolute idiot he is. What a fucking idiot.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 06/03/2018 21:39

TBH it will probably be easier for you as a single mum without this bellend dragging you around every weekend. Once the baby is old enough he can take it to visit his family while your other DCs are with the dad and you can get some precious time off - something us single mums are a little bit smug about very lucky to get! Yes you will earn it, by being solely responsible the rest of the time, but with a bit of time to adjust while you're on maternity leave, free nursery hours and tax credits etc there's no reason why you can't make a really good life for yourself and your DCs. Flowers

Original poster
Mentalmum91 · 07/03/2018 00:46

Thanks springydaff & myrelationshipisweird ❤ I think it's so upsetting because he was amazing with the kids before and I really believed he loved us all and wanted to be a family. Obviously it was all just bull* and lies. Our last conversation-where he dumped me again, he just kept saying how he had no obligation to my two and that was (although definitely strictly true as he is not their father) absolutely devastating to hear. Like rip my heart out and spit on it kind of feeling. Not because I think he should have to support them, because I don't, but because they adore him and they have already had to go through their own dad and I splitting up and I am so so so angry at myself for letting him get close to them when clearly he couldn't give a shit about them. It's a million times worse feeling that he's dumping them than dumping me. Every time they ask where he is it just breaks my heart. I wish I had never trusted him with them. And I can't just be glad he's away from them because he's not, they will see the baby go with him and wonder why he cares about the baby and not them. Like I literally just want to run away with the 3 of them and keep their little hearts safe. I f**ing hate men.

Sorry, major rant. Definitely an upside having the me time though. I plan on breastfeeding the baby as I did with my son though so probably will be a while before that. Long term it'll be great though, thanks for helping me see a little ray of positivity :)

OP posts:
springydaff · 07/03/2018 00:51

Cunting bastard Angry

big hug to you my darling Flowers Flowers

Catkins0877 · 07/03/2018 01:24

Yes I did it in the past for a year.The key is organisation and trying not to haul too much stuff between two places.have two sets of basics.I would cook fingers in main home them freeze and bring down to other home heat up as was easier cook in one house. We also created routine in both house....one house we went swing...the other house had takeaway night etc.kids loved it.got us thou a stressful time in our lives.i stress all do housework or you'll have two houses to clean!!! But can work.best of luck

Catkins0877 · 07/03/2018 01:30

Sorry skimmed posts didn't see change I circumstance apologies.sound like tough week hugs to you.

Original poster
Mentalmum91 · 07/03/2018 01:31

Springydaff so few words but genuinely making me feel much better lol. It's good to get it out there. ❤

OP posts:
Original poster
Mentalmum91 · 07/03/2018 09:09

Thanks anyway catkins! I'm glad you got through it ok. I guess needs must in some circumstances. For us I'm glad I found out now that we just aren't worth anything to him. Imagine I had been crazy enough to move to him and give up everything the kids have here! At least it has been a learning experience.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page