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Original poster

Is it possible....?!

71 replies

Mentalmum91 · 18/02/2018 15:37

Without getting into a huge amount of detail I'm just wondering, I am currently pregnant with baby number 3, and have two little ones who are 3 and 5 from previous relationship.

Myself and partner are in a position where likely the only way we will stay together is to live between two houses for probably 5+ years. Ie, live in my house Monday-friday and stay Friday night-sunday in partners house approx 45mins away (probably 1HR 15mins on a Friday night) so essentially for 5+ years carting children along with all their stuff backwards and forwards. Other children stay with ex partner 1 night every weekend (around the corner from my house) so will mean travelling back to do handovers/pickups from his house and my two will be really be living between 3 houses if that makes sense?

Are we crazy or us it doable? Moving either way is not optional so this is a last ditch attempt at staying together. We have thought out every other option and they don't work for one reason or another.

We have our differences as every couple does but as a couple are happy and want to stay together with baby. Is it possible or should we cut out losses now? Thanks in advance xx

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 18/02/2018 20:24

As the children grow older it will be less sustainable due to playdates, parties, sports & activities.
I imagine you need to cut the weekend short by leaving to return to your home whenever there are parties or activities on for the children around home? This is the natural consequence pf your partner's decision not to move in with you.

seven201 · 18/02/2018 20:25

I personally couldn't be with someone so selfish. But... you have to do what is right for you. Do you think he'll eventually agree to move in with you? Surely his family are encouraging him to move in with you, even though they'll miss him as he's 5?

midsummabreak · 18/02/2018 20:29

You are right that with a newborn and two young children in your care, you will need to feel supported by your partner. I would tell your partner you will need to cut weekends at his place if you are exhausted, and wrung out from caring for baby And he should respect that & work out how to support you

Voice0fReason · 18/02/2018 21:09

There is not a hope in hell of this working.
His unwillingness to move shows his lack of commitment to you and your relationship.
And what would even change in 5+ years?

DontDIY · 18/02/2018 21:12

Yes, what does change in 5+ years?

Original poster
Mentalmum91 · 18/02/2018 21:16

I told him I wasn't willing to do it, that it wasn't fair to the kids and I would go every few weeks and stay and the rest of the time I'd need to stay here. Or he could go and sort what needs sorted in the house or whatever. He told me if I wasn't willing to try bringing the baby to stay every week he is done, he isn't interested in trying anymore.

Need positive thoughts 💔

OP posts:
Lucked · 18/02/2018 21:19

There is also compromise so both selling and moving a bit closer to his parents but still local to your works. Your oldest child is only 5 so moving school wouldn't be too traumatic.

However I think it is a massive red flag that he commits so much of his free time to his family. I am close to my family and always been commutable but I have never seen them every weekend. Infact I now only live two miles from my mum and have only seen her for an hour midweek this week plus a couple of short calls.

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/02/2018 21:24

I wouldn’t want to be tied to a man who puts his mum and sister above his own child. This isn’t the right thing for your kids or your baby, he is being totally selfish, get rid.

DontDIY · 18/02/2018 21:27

So he has chosen to live apart from his child completely, rather than put any of the kids needs before his own wants? You’re so well rid!

Original poster
Mentalmum91 · 18/02/2018 21:34

Yeah he thinks my unwillingness to stay up every week is a small compromise I should make and he's done with trying now. To be fair we've been going back and forth with all the options and arguing for about 6 weeks so he's tired of it all.

Just sucks. I had hoped this one would work out. 3 kids by myself will be so hard.

OP posts:
Growuphelen · 18/02/2018 21:36

He is done ?? Then so be it. What a twat. However did you think it would be a good idea to have a child with him.

liquidrevolution · 18/02/2018 21:37

He sounds a manchild. If he's not willing to compromise he can't expect you to.

It does sound like you will be better off apart. And he fortunately has made the decision for you now rather than after years of carting kids around. What a twatbadger he is.

Maatsuyker · 18/02/2018 21:55

It doesn't really sound like this relationship is going anywhere.

Original poster
Mentalmum91 · 18/02/2018 21:55

Honestly I don't know that I ever knew the man. We agree on nothing anymore and he has said some things that honestly make me feel like a piece of s##t if that's how he really thinks of me. I have felt entirely alone for a lot of the pregnancy so I guess this won't be too different going forward. Im not good with breakups & have depression as is so have said I want no more contact until baby gets here and hopefully by that stage I'll be alright with it all. The 5 years was based on how long it would be before he sold his house so we could live together.

OP posts:
rollingonariver · 19/02/2018 06:21

I'm so sorry op but this really is the best thing. He's selfish and you're better off without him Thanks

midsummabreak · 19/02/2018 08:16

You have saved yourself and your children years of transporting them back and forth to him, to work around his precious schedule.

Focus on your schedule now and work out your 5 year plan.

Stuff his 5 year plan. What are your goals and wishes? You have freedom from his demands and can work out short term and long term goals for you & your children.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 19/02/2018 10:00

I'm so sorry op but you are a thousand times better off without this twat in your life. He is selfish beyond belief and thats even before the baby arrives. Just think how bad he will be if you did go along with what he wants, you're going to find yourself alone with 3 kids with a man who values himself above everyone else. No family around, no friends and I bet he'll bugger off on days and nights out leaving you in sole charge of the kids and the baby in an unfamiliar town. He is not father material, he's not even boyfriend material.

Just for some perspective my now dh moved 45 miles from his home to a town 10 minutes from my home town so we could move in together. It was a compromise as I have a 14 year old dd who is 50/50 between me and her dad. He would never have expected me to cart her around the country to fit in with him.

You are going to be much, much better off without him.

Cockmagic · 19/02/2018 10:04

Looks like hes not really invested in you or your kids op.

You should really of lived together properly for a while before you got pregnant.

Why on earth did you plan this baby?

midsummabreak · 19/02/2018 11:24

He is a very selfish man.
Tell him to piss off
He was not going to be of much help with the busy life with young children
Do you have family you can call on for support ? Can you reach out to other mums ?

Iooselipssinkships · 19/02/2018 12:23

OP, my DD is 9 and as she's got older it's become more and more difficult to get her to want go to her DFs every other weekend.
So in my experience having DC live in 3 different houses would be very testing for them.
And it would be difficult with 3 kids but you can do this, you're stronger than you think you are. There's support out there.
On top of everything else he's verbally being disrespectful when you're pregnant with his first child, I think this will only get worse after baby is here. If he can treat you like this now how is he gonna be in the future?
You can do this.

Desmondo2016 · 19/02/2018 12:52

You need to start looking at your own decision making and work out why you end up in a situation so crazy with a man who clearly doesn't actually give a shit .

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/02/2018 13:03

He wanted you to cart your kids around every weekend so he could see his family and look after his nephew?

Well bugger that. Presumably his family are too good to travel 45 minutes every weekend to see you. Let him go. He's an idiot, and they deserve to have him hanging on their coat tails all the time if they haven't encouraged him to separate away from them for the good of his new family.

Calmingvibrations · 19/02/2018 13:23

I can’t think of any reason why I wouldn’t expect my OH to move in with me in your situation, if we’d agreed a child and was expecting one. As other people said, your his immediate family now. If I were you I’d expect to be put first not after his mum / Dad / nephew / milkman etc.
In fact I’m outraged on your behalf. I didn’t want to leave the house except for a quick walk, the first couple of months after a baby, and I didn’t have to contend with caring for other small children too.

I’d be very very careful about dragging yourself and your kids about according to his selfish preferences. You are showing them how a relationship should work and setting their standards low for their own future interactions. I.e put yourself last and run around after a man.

As they get older won’t they want to spend time with their friends at the weekend? They will grow to resent it.

I can’t believe this would be anything other than exhausting for you. I got frustrated living between my flat and my bf when we had been dating a while. It’s a real headache to have to think ahead and pack everything you may need for days ahead, constantly. As for all the stuff babies have.

Are you going to buy two cots? Two changing mats? Two bath seats? Etc etc

What happens if you have a difficult birth / ECS and need him at home with you. Will he just F off to mummy at the weekend??

I think you should seriously think about this!!

Calmingvibrations · 19/02/2018 13:31

P.s have my very first LTB.
Please please concentrate on looking after yourself, your newborn (when he she arrives) and your other kids. F him. And then some.

Bluefargo · 19/02/2018 13:35

You can stay put at weekends and he takes the baby with him every other weekend(after initial newborn stage of course) surely when the new baby arrives he will feel more strongly about missing entire weekends of his child