Is this controlling?

[G781]

Hi all. Been a lurker for a while but new poster.

Me and my mum don't get on, but due to finances I'm still living at home (working on changing that ASAP)

My mum usually does all the washing - I live with 6 other people and she's got a routine to do it. She's recently stopped doing my washing because I do things she doesn't agree with (I go out with friends, stay over etc) - I'm 23.

I would do my own washing, but she now has prevented me from using her washing machine. Currently relying on friends to have clean clothes which is ridiculous

Where do I go from here? Is she controlling me?

I know moving out is the answer but I currently can not afford to do that. Any advice would be much appreciated.

It depends on the details of what you are doing. If it’s literally just you going to sleep over at a friend’s house then it’s insane that she would have an issue with that seeing as you’re an adult.
If there’s more to what you’re doing such as drug taking and not working etc then I can see her point. Can you not even afford to move into a flat share or something? Are you working/studying? Do you do other things to help around the house?

You use a launderette. Or move out to a houseshare.

Use the launderette. I can't think why she has an issue with you using the machine.

I'm just trying to think of a scenario where I would do that to my DD...it wouldn't happen.. unless she doesnt know how to use the machine and repeatedly broke it.

It's quite mean behaviour.

It’s hard to say without more context. But you should have been doing your own washing years ago.

thanks for replying.

I'm not doing anything illegal. Defo not doing drugs! She just doesn't like me not being at home.

I KNOW I need to move out - but I cannot afford it at the moment. I'm working on it best I can but it's not a quick magic fix I can do.

I would do my own washing, but she doesn't let me. I don't even have any laundrettes near to me, so it's especially difficult.

I've no issue doing anything for myself. I'm just not allowed to

Could you live at a friend’s house for a month until you save up enough to move into a flat share?

Your mother sounds like mine. That's so mean. You won't know yourself when you move out. I feel for you

My mother was controlling like that so I moved out when I was 19, realised many years later that she is a narcissist.

Would you take a job that offered free accommodation?

Go ahead and use the machine. What is she going to do, ground you? Don't let her petty madness stop you from living your life.

I'm at work so sorry about my not so quick replies.

It's incredibly difficult to live with her. She thinks she has the right to know the ins and outs of my life 24/7. If I'm staying at a friends and we pop to the pub... she would want to know about that. If I go shopping, she would want to know each and every shop I go in and what I buy. It's as crazy as that.

The last couple of years I've struggled massively with my mental health - so I work part time, and my mum takes 50% of my wages as rent. I would probably be able to afford somewhere if I didn't have to pay that, but to be honest I don't really know where to look, how to move out (sounds stupid I know).

I've tried to use the machine, but I live in a household of 7, with one machine. So it's almost constantly on.

@MrsElvis I would, but I don't really know of any available.

I'm really down. I know it's only washing but it's the final straw

I try and help around the house as much as I can, but it's never good enough. I can't load the dishwasher correctly, I can't pile magazines in the right kind of stack. I put the plates away in the wrong place. I'm pretty sure I do it fine as it's only ever my mum that's complained about it, but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do

You have got to get out and unfortunately you are going to have to live with it until you CAN get out.

Have you tried 'innocently' asking to use a relatives washing machine, giving a full explanation about why you can't use the one at home?

Also I would try upping your hours at work or taking on a cash in hand bar job or something.

And have you looked into house shares in your area? because half your wages might be enough to cover a house share

Poor you.
I would try to give her less rent if you are not allowed to use the washer.
What do the rest of your family think?

Take control and do whatever it takes to move out. Try to find a room to rent, live-in Nanny position, whatever. Just do your very best to get out of that house.

Check out gumtree or Spareroom for a house share.

I seriously, seriously suggest that you make sure you have all your important documents like birth certificate, driving licence and passport safe. Can you keep them at work or at a trusted friends?

To move out you will need a deposit saved up plus a little extra. You could try renting a room with everything included so that all you need to do is pay your rent plus any bills like phone or car stuff. You'll need to be careful to only take things that are definitely yours with you. I suggest you don't tell your mum that you will move until after you have all the important stuff safely out and at the new place.

Can someone tell me when housing benefit kicks in? You may be able to claim Universal Credit if you are not working full time, but they will push for you to work at least the equivalent of 30 hours a week at minimum wage. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be able to point you in the direction of useful help.

Do you have your own bank account that your mum can't access? How about a savings account?

Good luck.

Some great advice here...get out into a houseshare asap! Have you tried sitting your mum down and explaining how unreasonable she is being?

She sounds awful.... has she suffered a loss of a loved one historically, that might account for her wanting to know your every move?

Are the other people you live with relatives?

Are you an only child?

Does your Mum work? It sounds like she has to much time on her hands.

I'd certainly say her behaviour is bordering on being abusive. You aren't doing what she wants..so your banished from washing your clothes. Surely half your wages goimg to her should permit you to wash your stuff.

Look on Gum Tree or just google, Rooms for Rent. Depending on where you live you should get one from about £80 to £100
You should have use of the kitchen and bathroom and some have use of the living room. Make sure you ask what is included!
Anything would be better than living with your abussive "D"m.
Your mental health should improve when you get away from her as well.
As others have said, make sure you have your Birth Certificate, Passport etc and store them at a trusted friends house.
Meanwhile, find out where the nearest Launderette is, pack your clothes into a sports bag and go on the bus.
She sounds deranged!
Get away!

That's such a hard situation to be in, OP. I would echo what PPs have said, look for rooms to rent. Being a lodger in someone else's house would be far better than what you're coping with living with your mother. I've been a lodger and mostly it was a fairly positive experience. It's often with elderly ladies on their own. You just need to be clear what areas of the house you have access to.

for you

Thanks for your replies. It's easier knowing that I'm not being the unreasonable one, and I'm not totally to blame for this.

Sorry for not mentioning usernames but I'm on the app and trying to remember them and the questions that coincide is something my brain isn't up to today ha.

I'm the eldest of 5 children (I'm 23). My brothers/sisters range from 11-20. They all still live at home, and it's my mum and dad too.

As far as I know my mum has never really suffered any huge loss in any traumatic way, it's just been in the last year or so I've had more confidence so I've wanted to do more outside of the family. Which I believe is normal? I guess so.

I'm going to start saving much harder, whenever I see maybe that drink I would buy for 50p, I'll save it. It's not much but it'll help. I'm going to try and look for a new job, the one I'm in now isn't really ideal for full time reliable income.

I have sat down with my mum and explained why I think she's unreasonable but she simply says that I'm her daughter, so she has the right to say how she really feels (she quite often calls me stupid).

My dad and siblings don't say anything bad to her, and stick to her (rigid) rules. I don't know if they think she's right, or they just do it for an easy life

My mum doesn't work, and doesn't have many friends outside the family. She spends a lot of time at home - I think she's unhappy with her life, possibly jealous of mine (I don't know why!) and takes it out on me. I don't know though, I'm just... putting my thoughts all down

For God's sake, stand up for yourself. When she calls you stupid, tell her you are NOT stupid and to not call you such hurtful names. Tell her she is the pathetic one saying such hurtful things to her own children. Stop pandering to her, stop explaining yourself, and stop answering her nosy questions. She DOES NOT own you -unless you allow her to. Only you can turn the tide of this relationship. I suggest you get busy doing it.

It sounds like she's scared of you growing up and is stifling you. An extreme case of separation anxiety manifesting in abusive behaviour.

I understand you can't really respond to her calling you stupid...she'd only say you're being rude .. it's not worth getting into an argument over. People like her always think they're right.

Funny enough when you get older and possibly have a family of your own...she'll act all surprised if you don't want her around you much.

For God's sake, stand up for yourself. When she calls you stupid, tell her you are NOT stupid and to not call you such hurtful names. Tell her she is the pathetic one saying such hurtful things to her own children. Stop pandering to her, stop explaining yourself, and stop answering her nosy questions. She DOES NOT own you -unless you allow her to. Only you can turn the tide of this relationship. I suggest you get busy doing it.

A remark only marginally more helpful than "Just stop being depressed then"