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Relationships

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Original poster

He is blowing hot and cold after an argument

40 replies

Beetlebumbum · 17/02/2018 09:57

My dp and I had a row 2 nights ago and I do believe it was my fault. I went into rant mode and brought up everything that had been playing on my mind recently. Most of the things I said were valid but my delivery was dreadful and I was like a woman possessed.

Yesterday morning when we got up I said I was sorry, to which he asked 'what for?' (hate the way he does this, but anyway) to which I replied 'for being a bitch last night'. I said sorry several times and he dropped me off to work as normal. He was a little bit quiet still but otherwise seemed fine.

I messaged him to thank him for the lift and said sorry again and that I loved him. He said it was ok and that he loved me too. We messaged a couple of times during the day and everything appeared normal. Fast forward to when I was getting the train home. I messaged him to let him know I was on my way, he offered me a lift and I thanked him but said I would prefer to walk. He replied that he was coming to get me anyway.

Fast forward to when I got into the car. I immediately sensed something was up. He hardly said 2 words and was really sarcastic in what he did say. When we got home, this behaviour went on for about half an hour until I eventually asked what was up and if he'd been like this all day. I might add that I remained calm and was asking in a reasonable way. He replied he had been like this all day, that it was because of me and that he was still 'fucking furious' with me. I said I would go out for a bit and he said he didn't care anymore what I did.

So I went out and sat in the car for an hour as I had nowhere else to go. When I got in he had done the dishes and was making dinner for us (not usual for him). He was talking normally again and we watched a film. I did notice though that he withdrew physically from me. For example, he kept putting his hand on my leg and then immediately taking it away as if he forgot for a brief second that he was still angry with me. Last night in bed he wore clothes when he normally sleeps naked. He switched during the night from hugging me for a bit to rolling over and turning away from me. He was almost pushing me away from him at some points. This morning it's back to the huffing and almost silent treatment.

I get that I did wrong but surely this isn't on? Does anybody know why he is behaving like this? I've said sorry several times now and it's ending up where I'm clinging on to him and coming across as desperate.

OP posts:

Arapaima · 17/02/2018 10:03

You’re both in the wrong here. You were wrong to be so nasty during the argument, he’s wrong to keep sulking after he said it was ok.

Rather than discuss who is ‘more’ wrong (the answer will vary from one person to another depending on the way they tend to approach conflict) the two of you need to sit down and discuss the whole thing rationally - maybe in a few days when you’re feeling calmer. Talk about what went wrong and how it could have been avoided. Were some of the things you shouted about issues of ongoing resentment?

How a couple resolves conflict is really important so it’s worth doing this to have a positive impact on your relationship.

Cricrichan · 17/02/2018 10:03

He sounds hurt and angry. However, the points were valid and you've repeatedly apologised. Leave him to stew now and see if he takes what you said on board and does something about it.

Original poster

Beetlebumbum · 17/02/2018 10:05

Thank you for the replies. Yes, they were about ongoing resentment. Unfortunately I tend to build things up as he is hard to talk to about any issues and huffs. This means that I sometimes go into a rant and say everything at once which isn't on.

OP posts:

Arapaima · 17/02/2018 10:05

If it helps, I’m more like you (quick hot temper) and DH is more like your DP (gets upset by arguments, tendency to sulk) and we’ve been happily married for 14 years so it can work!

ALittleBitConfused1 · 17/02/2018 10:05

He's clearly wound up about the way you spoke to him and if it was that bad then he has a right to be.
I appreciate you've apologised but that doesn't just make horrible spoken words disappear.
He's upset however he needs to understand that this can't continue.
I think now you've both had time to calm down you need to sit down and discuss what the argument was about, calmly and rationally. No guilt tripping no blame throwing just an adult conversation. Take it from there, it's all you can do really.

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 10:08

I'd back off from him and leave him to it. He will come back to you when ready, and quicker if you put some distance/breathing space between you. Go do something for yourself today.

NewYearNiki · 17/02/2018 10:09

Most of the things I said were valid but my delivery was dreadful and I was like a woman possessed.

But what things were upset about? What had he done?

Were the things he did so bad as to warrant you screaming like a woman possessed?

It's hard to judge without knowing what he did.

If the things he did were SO bad then why haven't you left him already? If the things weren't that bad, why the screaming like a banshee?

How long have you been together?

I have to say been raised in a very shouty and nasty household myself that kind of thing would put me right off. It's actually terrifying to be screamed at like that.

Maybe he is concerned as he is staring down the barrel of the future with you if that's how you can react.

Arapaima · 17/02/2018 10:14

But if the things you said were valid, don’t let him get away with not addressing them because he’s so hurt and angry about the way you said it. You can both learn from this.

PNGirl · 17/02/2018 10:25

I'm like this. I have a long fuse, and it's usually because I go:

I can't believe X said that to me!
But is it worth losing my temper back?
No, it's fine. Ugh.
But I am really pissed off. And now it's 24 hours later and I want to bring it up to make my point.
But will that just start another argument, because I can't be bothered..

And on and on. I think you'll have to wait him out. He will either hash it out again or go back to normal.

Original poster

Beetlebumbum · 17/02/2018 10:38

Randomly when I came downstairs this morning he was looking up new rental properties for us as he's unhappy with where we're currently living. He is speaking normally again but I'm just waiting for him to switch again.

We've been together 18 months and have lived together a year.

OP posts:

NewYearNiki · 17/02/2018 10:44

18 months?

Its still new. It's supposed to be fun.

If it's already scream like a woman possessed level of unhappiness with what he has done after 18 months Id reconsider the future.

Original poster

Beetlebumbum · 17/02/2018 10:44

The row was about a few things. Mainly how he treated me on valentine's and the fact this is out first month TTC and we've only had sex once. This makes me think he's not committed to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beetlebumbum · 17/02/2018 10:45

Is our first month. Sorry!!

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 17/02/2018 10:50

That doesn’t sound like the built up resentment of multiple years of he’s never helped with x. You should have been able to discuss it not scream. You guys need to learn to talk through things.

category12 · 17/02/2018 10:54

What was the build up of upset on your part about?

So, the cycle is : you being unable to talk about things that bother you because you're afraid of his huffing, until you blow a gasket, apologise, and he then punishes you for the blowup for days after?

You need to jointly work on ways to manage conflict in your relationship if you want to continue. Neither of you are doing particularly well at it. If he's not willing to look at his own behaviour in this as well, I'd be thinking you're onto a loser here.

category12 · 17/02/2018 10:55

I think you should put ttc on hold.

Offred · 17/02/2018 10:57

What did he do on valentines?

Honestly I think most people would find it very hard to deal with someone screaming at them in rage and then following it up with repeated ‘sorry’ which was clearly designed to try and sweep things under the carpet.

IMO 18 months together is pretty soon to start TTC so if he is not that committed to it I wouldn’t be surprised also TTC doesn’t override usual consent issues re sex. You can’t be screaming like a banshee at anyone re the amount of sex you are/aren’t having.

Snowydaysarehere · 17/02/2018 10:57

Seems like he enjoyed you keep apologising so dragged it out for more attention. Wouldn't bother ttc you have a teenager already.

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/02/2018 11:00

You are still a very new couple - is there any reason for you to TTC quite so early in your relationship when, from the sounds of it, you don't seem to know each other very well and have quite a few issues that need talking about?

NewYearNiki · 17/02/2018 11:00

Why are you ttc with a man you've been with for 18 months, whom your not married to and you scream blue murder at?

18 months isnt that long to have built up so much resentment. It isnt an 18 year marriage.

Im not scoffing an unmarried parent btw. Everyone knows that you have no legal protection unless you marry though. You dont even own property so there's literally nothing to support you if it goes wrong.

So having a child unmarried, so soon, in a relationship like that is unwise.

NewYearNiki · 17/02/2018 11:01

*you're bloody autocorrect

Arapaima · 17/02/2018 11:01

I think the TTC thing is a bit harsh! If you’re only in the first month it’s early days - not really the stage yet of timed / regimented sex!

What happened on Valentine’s day?

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/02/2018 11:27

Have you actually given him any time to process what was said?

It isn't sulking (yet) give him time to process what you ranted at him like a woman possessed.

crimsonlake · 17/02/2018 12:36

Mmm,are you sure he was not looking for a new rental for himself and you caught him looking/

DianaT1969 · 17/02/2018 13:39

Yes, I'd say he was looking for a rental for himself. You don't sound compatible.

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