Partner's relationship with food

[Sliceofspice]

Hope I don't sound harsh but this is really getting me down. Dinner date last night and as always, DP more engrossed in his meal than having any form of conversation whilst we ate.
When I put my knife and fork down, he asked if I'd finished (I had) and he stopped eating his own meal to lean over and finish mine before then continuing his own. The amount of stodge that he ate including carb heavy sides was pretty enormous. He polished everything off very quickly.
Sane happened with dessert, I left some, he leaned over to finish mine before fi having his own. Trying to have a conversation whilst we ate was impossible. Completely engrossed in shovelling his food down quickly enough.
As always, he gets home complaining he's fat too full, as always there is no sex after a date as he's too full, try to cuddle him... "don't touch my stomach."
He's over weight and getting larger, I'm becoming increasingly unattracted to him because of his relationship with food. At home, if I make a simple meal with rice,he'll complain it was boring because there's no carby side with it like garlic bread. Sometimes he will make something stodgy to go with it to fill him up. But if course, if he has bread, the kids want bread. It's setting a bad example to them and I'm becoming increasingly unattracted to him because of what I see as a bad relationship with food, which he seems to prioritise over conversation, sex, being and looking healthy. Hope this doesn't sound harsh. Any advice?

Sorry, I don't have any helpful advice but I would agree that he has an unhealthy relationship with food if he prioritises shovelling it down over having a conversation with you.

The leaning over and finishing the food of my plate would leave me feeling a bit grossed out as well, unless I'd specifically asked him if he wanted it.

His unhealthy relationship with food likely predates you with this going back many years to his own childhood. There are complex reasons for his eating like this and they are nothing to do with you as a person. He may well have come to associate food = love for instance and that's just a starting point. Does he himself admit that he has a problem here with compulsive overeating?. Does he feel embarrassment, guilt or shame about the ways he eats?.

What do you get out of this relationship with him?. Ultimately you yourself cannot help him, he can only help his own self here and that is initially by admitting to himself that yes he does have a unhealthy relationship with food.

Did something trigger this, or was he always like this?
Sounds like he is addicted to carbs. Is he under stress at work? Stress can disrupt our insulin release/blood sugar balance causing carb cravings.
If he wants to change, he could look at the Keto Diet on Diet Doctor for the science behind it and a low carb way of eating.

I put on 2 stone while caring for my parents due to insomnia and stress. Does he sleep well, or could he have sleep apnoea?

I think a lot of people eat like that. Is he aware of what he is doing? Is he complaining about his weight? Would he do anything about it?

His unhealthy relationship with food likely predates you with this going back many years to his own childhood. There are complex reasons for his eating like this and they are nothing to do with you as a person.

Agree with this so much. I have personal experience with Dh.

My Dh was exactly the same as yours. I tried for years to help him lose weight and have a healthy relationship with food. He’s go on a diet, lose weight, calm down his eating but the second he was under stress, we’d be back to square one. This would also coincide with a real lack of patience and increased short temper. But this was how he dealt with stressful situations.

I made him go to counselling, he’s been going 5 years and it has taken all this time to get to the bottom of this problem. So much is coming out about how he was treated as a child. He had a physically and emotionally abusive childhood , and he is coming to terms with it. He’s also stated to eat much more healthily and smaller portions.

I feel quite ashamed that I thought “He just eat less and stop shovelling it in”
There’s so much more to this issue.

Has his relationship with food changed or has he always been like this?

How long have you been together? Have you tried to talk to him gently about it? Not as in, you find him unattractive but thay you're concerned about his eating habits and find date nights difficult as the conversation is limited and he's so uncomfortable afterwards. Not judgemental, just try to explain it in a way you're concerned and sound out how he feels.

He is very embarrassed about his relationship with food and refuses to talk about it. If always known he was a "food lover" as I am, but the over-eating didn't surface until we married. He used to be obese and lost weight before I met him, that weight is now creeping on again. He seems to eat without thinking about it- standing up in the kitchen a lot of the time eating something off the kids' plates for example. He sees food an he has to eat it. We did have a conversation about it once and he says, he sees extra food as "free food" therefore he can not help but eat it as he feels he's getting something for nothing, almost like 2 for 1 bargain in a shop.
His mother has a very unhealthy relationship with food also and eventually under went surgery.
I worry it's rubbing off on me as I've seen my own weight increase and my carbohydrate intake increase also without me even realising it until now. This is something I need to work on despite him. He grew up on a very processed, refined carb diet and does not have good knowledge of nutrition and food groups when I've talked about healthy foods. I've had to speak to him a number of times about offering fruit first to the children rather than something heavy straight away. Talking to him about food and weight is like walking on egg shells so I tend not to go there. He will often say "I need to start cycling again, I'm too fat" or "I can't take the children swimming looking like this." But then he sees food and there's no stopping him. I don't know what to do or how to handle it... I am becoming increasingly unattracted to him because of these behaviours.

You need to tell him everything you have said here, honestly.

"His mother has a very unhealthy relationship with food"

She is certainly a big part of why he is as he is now. It was learnt behaviour from childhood and is deeply ingrained within his own psyche.

Is he willing to seek help for his overeating issues along the lines of attending Overeater Anonymous meetings?. Its going to take measures like this. Again this has nothing to do you with you as a person Spice.

You can only help your own self Spice; you cannot help anyone who does not ultimately want to be helped.

This is very difficult. If He is very sensitive and won't discuss it, i think you need to them address it in relation to you and the kids.

Explain you're going to ensure they grow up with healthy diet and as such will be introducing more healthy snacks, no bread with meals etc and would like his support. That he can eat as he pleases but try to set a good example in front of the kids and not request carby extras. Explain you personally wish to eat healthy too and wish to lose some weight. Don't address his weight, just try to get his buy in to being healthy with the kids, if he breaks it keep reminding him. Maybe he will start to follow suit.

Agree that only he can decide to do something. http://eatingless.com may be helpful.

There is no way that he would attend meetings of any kind. He will tell me "I've lost weight before, I can do it again"but I also know that unless he tackles his psyche with food, nothing will really change. I'm annoyed with myself, because I see I've let it influence the way I eat at times too. The eating of my meal before eating his own is quite telling: that way I can't eat it because it's gone and his plate of food remains his own. The food is all his. I think I've picked up on this subconsciously and find myself eating things before he can get to them.

Thanks for the link Finallyhere, I've just ordered a book for myself. At least if I can control the way the over-eating is affecting me then I'm in a better position to make changes for the children. The book will be left in places for DH to read it also, it's up to him whether he does or not.

I honestly think the best thing you can do is concentrate on you and your dc eating healthily. Forget about what he chooses to do outside the home, you can’t control that.

So try to have a healthy, varied diet and don’t have a lot of unhealthy stuff in the house. If it’s there it’s difficult for anyone to resist it.

Regarding talking food off your plate. Just tell him you haven’t finished yet, that it’s your food and you want to take your time and don’t want him eyeing it up! Also that him continually pinichimg your food is stopping you enjoying your meal.

It might not make much difference to his weight but you can change some things yourself to stop it upsetting you eg don’t eat out with him, throw kids half eaten meals away, don’t buy the stodge in the first place.

Would you tell him "I find your eating habits very unattractive. They put me off. I don't think you're being honest about this" ?

You're not saying "I find YOU unattractive" (even if that's true). You owe it to yourself and to him to be honest.

If he won't even talk about it, then you have a serious problem.

At some point when he's feeling open to discussing it, can you suggest drawing up a list of treats and things he can comfort himself with in times of stress that aren't food related?
Can you also encourage him, separate from eating, to get into weight training and HIIT as both those will make him feel stronger and fitter very quickly and give him an incentive to look after his body.

I sympathise with your husband (and you) as I have a similar problem to him. Went out yesterday for afternoon tea with friends. I'd finished my champagne before they'd started theirs. They were already talking about how there was too much food and they'd have to leave some and I felt a pang that this was a cue that we wouldn't be eating it all. I did manage to restrain myself but it was hard and I had to concentrate on not shovelling it in faster than they did. Also porblems/issues from childhood here, though it had never occurred to me to get therapy for it.
@FinallyHere thanks for that link.

Haven't you posted before?? Has nothing changed? Why are you still having dessert in the house? No snacks in house, no white carbs, etc etc. Same advice as last time! There isn't suddenly going to be a miracle fix.
If he's eating your leftovers, then bin them before he can. If you constantly have leftovers you're cooking too much. Look into portion sizes.

You need to make proactive steps for yourself and your kids. It's not going to work having bad food in the house and just expecting him not to eat it, while you and kids do.

Blaming him for you 'having' to eat stuff before he does is abdicating responsibility. If the junk food isn't there no one can eat it. Kids will adapt to fruit in house and occasional junk when out.

You could book a 'family' health check and don't mention weight, just want to ensure everyone is healthy. He can't get out of it if kids are doing it too. Prempt the doctor with your concerns and see if they can get through to him.

There is no way that he would attend meetings of any kind. He will tell me "I've lost weight before, I can do it again"but I also know that unless he tackles his psyche with food, nothing will really change"

That is why I suggested Overeaters Anonymous. This issue is far more complex than simply eating less and exercising more. In your case Sliceofspice his mother has played a large part in him being the ways he is towards food.

FeedtheTree; OA may well be able to help you as well if you make contact with them.

Poor him. And you. Food addiction is a vile disease.

Food addict here - in recovery. Looks like he has it. Trouble is, with any addiction the addict has to bottom out: get so desperate they'll do anything. Including - shock, horror - go to a meeting for food addicts /compulsive overeaters. Sadly, people can get into a dreadful state before they finally get desperate enough to give in.

Yy it has to do with history but not always by any means - food addiction is as much physical as psychological. It's not all about our parents/childhoods. Plus who has the time and money to invest in eg 5 years of therapy. (Thus speaks one who has had more therapy than 5 years - which left me pathologically fucked, full of self pity and blame, my addiction to food not touched one bit and also off the scale.)

Take a look at Al anon, a lovely 12 step support fellowship for relatives/friends of addicts. They don't pull punches: being married to an addict is tough.

And for your husband, take a look at this and this.

All the best. You're going to need it

This is good, from the FA site.

Who shops for the food?

He may have food addiction or Binge eating disorder , a known disease, send him to the Gp for help and tell him to try OA or FA , they are free groups he can attend to help him cope with this , good luck OP .