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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH reaction to message

30 replies

Beelzebop · 17/02/2018 03:44

I would be very grateful for your opinions and if possible how your do would react? Thanks, I am very unsure of my own judgement due to general life stuff.

I received a message from someone apologising for bullying me when we were younger. I was bullied a bit, being a large geek in the 80s. Apparently I asked him out, don't remember ,Smile and he was really nasty. It has bothered him and he said he was rude and I was too nice to be treated like that. I am actually taking someone to court who is bullying me so this really touched me, maybe I'm soft. Its a long ago happening.
I showed DH when he got in and explained it and why I'd appreciated it. He asked me why I was showing him and eventually said it was nothing to do with him, general huffing. I feel like he sat on my little glimmer of lovely. Am I in the wrong? Thanks.

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Greensleeves · 17/02/2018 03:50

Something isn't right here. His reaction is genuinely odd. Is he usually supportive, does he listen to you and show genuine interest in your thoughts, feelings and opinions? Does he often casually invalidate or undermine you?

I had the same experience as you a few years ago. A boy who I had a fling with when we were 16 dumped me quite nastily and joined the group who bullied me, because his social status was more important to him and I wasn't good enough to be seen with. He messaged me and apologised and said he'd learned a lot since then and wished he hadn't been so shallow.

My dh read it, discussed it with me, hugged me and asked me how I felt about it. He was lovely. Thats why we're together; we have a connection and we like each other.

I feel really sad for you that you didn't get that Sad and I do think it's more significant than a one-off huff.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 17/02/2018 03:54

Thanks Greensleeves, things are far from perfect and I am not wishing to be evasive or drip feed but I am worried about being identified. For a long time though I have believed that he may be emotionally abusive. I have been reading and reading the posts here and anything recommended for the many others in this position.
And I thought to myself, "that's odd".
Thank you for replying and confirming it.
I am really sad.

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Original poster
Beelzebop · 17/02/2018 03:55

I can't sleep because my heart's going .

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ChickenMom · 17/02/2018 03:59

My therapist told me that we often repeat patterns from childhood into our marriage. Is your DH a bully? Emotionally distant? Are you having therapy? Might be worth thinking about

Greensleeves · 17/02/2018 04:00

I don't buy into the whole "drip-feed" thing, threads are organic like conversations and things emerge as they become relevant. And of course you don't want to share anything that might identify you and complicate your real life.

I'm treading carefully because I don't know enough to be confident about it, but I suspect this is a form of gaslighting. He doesn't want you to feel that feelings or experiences in your life that don't concern him are important or worth dwelling on. That's a really big problem, if it's true.

Take deep breaths in, hold for a couple of seconds and blow out slowly, at least ten times. I hope it doesn't sound patronising, but I have panic attacks and the breathing exercise really helps me when my heart starts racing. I think your body knows that this is actually quite a big thing, that he dismissed you like that, and you're having a bit of a panic attack. It will pass Flowers

Greensleeves · 17/02/2018 04:05

And I've just seen you being lovely to someone on another thread. You deserve to be treated better than this Flowers

Grunkle · 17/02/2018 04:07

My ex will have done the same if I'd come to him with something similar.

Things that made me happy/feel better and especially if they didn't impact him positively were things he just didn't want to hear about.

He'd also circle back on things like this months later having twisted them into something to do with how I was holding a candle for other men, had not "forsaken all others" for him, some such tosh.

The upshot is he'd be hugely unsettled by anything that wasn't all about him.

Your DP doesn't sound nice op. I'm sorry he was like that. He really didn't need to be.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 17/02/2018 04:07

Thanks so much. I have thought the things that both of you are talking about. I am incredibly good at ignoring herds of elephants but yes, that did feel big. I need to do something about me, maybe counselling if I'm brave enough.

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Original poster
Beelzebop · 17/02/2018 04:08

Greensleeves, thanks x.

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BitOutOfPractice · 17/02/2018 04:09

I don't know what he's normally like op but that's not the reaction of a loving and supportive partner that's for certain.

I wish you all the best with fighting your current bully Thanks

Original poster
Beelzebop · 17/02/2018 04:12

Oh Grunkle, that does seem familiar. Sorry you have experienced this.

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Original poster
Beelzebop · 17/02/2018 04:16

I knew you were all going to confirm my gut instincts, which to be honest is why I came here.

I would've thought that a partner would come in, I'd show it him. We might have a laugh or a bit of teasing and he might even say I deserved a bit of love and I've had a troublesome time.

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Grunkle · 17/02/2018 04:25

Oh op. I have a new partner now. And that's exactly what he'd have done.

It doesn't need to be this way.

What do you want to do? How can we help?

Greensleeves · 17/02/2018 04:27

MN's done the same thing for me a few times. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you you're seeing straight, especially if you live with someone who makes you second-guess yourself all the time (abusive mother in my case).

The reaction you were expecting is the one you would have got from a decent loving spouse.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 17/02/2018 04:30

You've helped me already. I have family I could speak to, but they are biased. I have no idea what to do , but I know I need to distance myself a bit mentally to think.

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Original poster
Beelzebop · 17/02/2018 04:33

If I don't reply sorry my baby is awake!

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Rainbowsandflowers78 · 17/02/2018 04:44

That is an odd reaction

Did you call him on it at the time?

Could he be jealous?

TheStoic · 17/02/2018 04:51

I think he just didn’t know how to fake empathy and support when put on the spot.

Is he ever supportive of you?

Gamer · 17/02/2018 05:33

Hi there.

Sometimes it has a lot to do with their personality and upbringing. First I would consider whether this reaction is in line with his general behavior about things. Some men have no tolerance for emotion, nor do they feel anything from so long ago would have any relevance in their lives. This can cause irritation if they are a particular type of personality. I will use myers briggs as an example, an INTJ (Introverted, intuitive, Thinking, judging) personality will find the energy put into this completely wasted and become irritated about it. He probably feels comfortable enough to just say it to you, not even thinking about how insulting it comes across. I will spell it out saying "Well, it has something to do with you as I'm sharing it and sharing my feelings about getting it. I'm asking you to listen!" Trust me, there are guys that really REALLY don't get it. If this is his general behavior pattern, you will have to spell out your need for him to support you emotionally. You will also have to recognise that it is not comfortable or normal for him to do so, so he'll find it hard work. If you need lots of validation and support it will be rough going. If this sounds like your relationship, start by understanding this is who he is and how he sees the world and prioritizes what he takes in. Forgive him for it, because its his normal. At the same time, explain to him that for you, that's harsh, and that if you spell out to him that you would like some support, he should make an effort to accomodate you. Arguments then become "I'm just asking you to listen" answered with "You know that's not how I am" and in your mind you should genuinely understand you're asking for something he can't give. Its up to you whether that's acceptable in your relationship.

Coyoacan · 17/02/2018 05:36

Very odd reaction from your DP. Maybe a bit of counselling would help, but choose your counsellor well. Even if this was just your DP was just having an off day, it might help to overcome the effects of having been bullied

laurzj82 · 17/02/2018 05:56

Is he jealous usually? I am no expert but an ex of mine would have reacted like that purely because the message was from a man Hmm.

Just a thought. I will leave you in the capable hands of the other much more knowledgeable posters on relationships board SmileFlowers

yetmorecrap · 17/02/2018 10:02

Could DH have done this to see if you would respond to another guy ? I know that sounds far fetched but reading MN makes you realise that this kind of loopy stuff happens.

Weezol · 17/02/2018 10:11

It sounds possible that your DH has been a bully in the past and may be one now. If so, this message has hit a nerve with him as has your going to court to stand up for yourself.

It sounds as if he's trying to undermine you as your next rational step is to stand up to him, and he sees his compliant/crushed wife is about to break away from his control.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 17/02/2018 10:29

Gamer, that is very interesting. Family are very buttoned up, whereas we were all let it out types. Thanks.

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Original poster
Beelzebop · 17/02/2018 10:33

Coy, I am going to get an appointment as you're right. I must have victim tattooed on my head. Not just DH, but life in general I need to get some inner strength.

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