How can I ever meet someone new?

[Jessie06]

Ive been single for over 3yrs now, I have 2 kids, 14 and 11.

I don't have a social life, I have nobody to watch the kids while I go out unless my ex 'might' be around. My parents recently moved over 70miles away, they used to look after them on the odd occasion I went out.
I don't really have any friends to go out with anyway, the few friends I do have are always doing their own thing really.
Anything I do, I do with the kids they are with me 24/7 really..

My ex doesn't have any consistency with them, and I have no idea when he will see them next, he does usually see them a few times a week but which day or what time is anyone's guess so I cant really pre-arrange anything or have much time to myself, as when he does come he either stays here or takes them out for a few hrs max. He hasn't had them to stay at his since last summer.
I've asked him time and again to have them more and be more consistent, even just turn up at a reasonable time so you can do stuff with them,(usually turns up late afternoon) but he will never change and Im tired of asking. This prevents me from going and doing any hobbies or anything.

I've tried online dating but don't really like it, I guess I would prefer to met someone naturally if you know what I mean. The men who do message me are never my type and the odd few I have messaged don't reply.

I think I'm ready to be in a relationship again now. I don't want to spend another summer sitting on my own when I take the kids places or another holiday with them alone. I'm not the most confident person and would find it hard to meet strangers ,hence why I don't really like online dating, but I don't really see how else I can possibly meet anyone any other way?!

I don't really know what sort of advice I'm after really, just feeling a bit down with it all recently.

My two eldest are that age and I haven't used babysitters for nearly two years. And they look after the two younger ones.

Join a gym or a local cycling/netball/badminton or whatever club or take up a photography class or something. That'll get you meeting like minded people and seeing them regularly makes becoming friends easier. The more people you know, the higher the chance of socialising and meeting someone.

Gosh, your situation is so similar to mine, I was a bit shocked. Ex sees the kids regularly, but usually while I’m working, so I can’t go out, or at his convenience, and again that makes things tricky to plan.

My parents are not local either. I have a few really lovely friends, but they’re busy with their families and husbands. Meeting someone seems like an impossible dream. I haven’t quite plucked up the courage for online dating yet. My youngest isn’t quite old enough to leave yet. I tell myself it won’t be long, but I use that as an excuse to myself too.

Argh, no advice, just sympathy

I can leave my 14yr old but not my 11yr old and unfortunately I can't trust my older one to look after my youngest.

I can't join a club or gym as I have no one to look after the children unless I can find something I can bring my 11yr old daughter to with me.

Ha thanks Octa, yes friends are just with their husbands and families, I feel kinda like the outcast sometimes and when I do meet up with them on occasion I'm finding it less enjoyable as they discuss all the things they have been up to and holidays with family etc. I've been browsing the online dating on and off for a while but never met anyone.

But an 11 year old doesn't need looking after?

Surely you can leave your dc for an hour or two to go to the gym, or a class, or for a coffee?

Or could you find a hobby with dc that would bring you into contact with other parents of teens? I met lots of people when dd and I did a rock climbing course.

Would dc support you if you asked their dad to make contact hour for regular days/times?

You could ask around for babysitter recommendations, there's usually an older teen willing to do their homework at your kitchen table for about £5ph.

My 11yr could probably be left for a short while yes but I could not leave them together, no way, my son can be a wind up merchant and quite immature and also a bit controlling of DD, to be fair she is probably more sensible then him

Would you be interested in joining a local Parkrun? Or a sports club where u can get the kids membership to go off do their own things too? OLD is hard but I think you've got to sift through it till decent prospects turn up. Have a look at online meet ups in your area? Look in to local babysitters or what about swaps with another mum? Take it in turns to free up time by looking after kids for the other.

I cant really pre-arrange anything or have much time to myself, as when he does come he either stays here or takes them out for a few hrs max.

Hang on, if he comes to the house then this arrangement needs to be appreciated by him. You need nail down the frequency, date and time with your ex otherwise he cannot see the DC within the home setting. Then you go out whilst he's there.

Hmm I'm not sure about the sports club thing, I'm not really into sports and I don't think it would be affordable for all 3 of us to have membership, but I'll have a look to see what's available thanks

I've tried for 3years to get some frequency in dates/times with ex and its exhausting. He tends to hang around the house or only take them out for a short while as he doesn't live local and also never got any money to take them anywhere, and as I say he very rarely has them to stay at his house. He doesn't support them financially either, I cannot rely on him for much. He probably loves the fact I don't have a social life.

I don't think I'm very approachable when out as I'm with the children and most blokes probably assume I'm married.

I see what you mean re ex. Yes he should step up! But if you make plans and he drops you in it you'll be no better off.

I'd look online to see what's on offer in your local area. I did an archery course a few years back. Didn't meet any eligible men but it was pretty fun & I enjoyed doing something new. You could sign the kids up or certainly DD? If you find a group/club she likes regardless that could free up some time for you?

I don't think the group thing is really going to work anyway as how will you go on dates? Unless you bring them along on all dates which you obviously can't. I'm in the same situation but mine are much younger so definitely can't be left. I'm just accepting that I will be single forever lol!

You could go out in the evening. The time that the 2 children are together are limited, and then they go to bed and you will be back within 2 hours. Could that work?

Tbh, I would have no qualms leaving my 14 year old dd and 11 year old ds together alone in the house, with instructions, and have been doing so for 3-4 hour stretches.

Perhaps start to do this with them and see how it goes?

I think you should be firm with your son. Start leaving them for an hour whilst you go to the gym and are close by and gradually increase it. If he doesn't behave then take his phone or other stuff away. You might be surprised though. Mine fight like cat and dog when I'm there but there's never any problems when they're left.

Tell him he won't be able to come to your house in future!

I'm getting the impression you're not very good with boundaries OP and this is why you're allowing your ex to walk over you and why you come across as brow beaten.

I agree you need to set boundaries, he does not come to your house and hang around and he starts paying maintenance towards his children. Why are you allowing yourself to be a doormat?

I guess I could start leaving them when I pop to the shops for 10-15mins and gradually increase it. My son has had quite a few behavioural issues over the years, but he has seemed to have got a lot better in the past few months and seems a lot more mature, so hopefully he can be trusted, I wouldn't want to be too far away from them though in case of an emergency.

I would need to pluck up the confidence to go to a club or similar on my own though.

In terms of my ex, if I say he can't stop at the house for long then he will accuse me of stopping him seeing his kids. He has already accused me of being a selfish bitch for not trying to keep the family together (I stayed with him 12yrs through several instances of cheating, and also dealing with his money issues and debt) .
He has reminded me a few times of the 'wrong' decision I made.

What Ive said to him before is he can see the kids here, watch a film with them or something and I can go out, because the reason he was giving for not seeing them at a reasonable time was because he had no money and no where to take them so he turns late afternoon so there is less time to kill basically. But he doesn't do that anyway he comes here, and mainly tries to chat to me. and its still not consistent. Right now I have no idea if he will turn up today or tomorrow if at all.

I know there should be more boundaries and I have asked but he just says ok I'll do that but then doesn't. I cant be dealing with the stress, he will turn if I tell him he can't see them in my home..at the moment we get on alright and the kids are not affected by arguing or tension.
Child maintenance chased him for ages to get money but it wont happen and I've given up on that also, that's a whole other story. He is hard work, its easier just to ignore him as much as possible and leave him to it. I know it not fair but he a dick who makes things very difficult for me and I doubt that will change.

@Jessie06

Send your ex this:

Dear ex

Over the last three years I have allowed you to use my house in order for you to see the children.

For me to move forward with my life and for the children to have more consistency and order in their lives, things will need to change.

I am happy to liaise with you by email, mutually convenient times when you can see the children at your home.

I am fully committed to making sure that the children maintain contact with you and I look forward to your reply.

I know there should be more boundaries and I have asked but he just says ok

OP, you don't seem to understand Boundaries cause if you did you wouldn't need to ask!

Boundaries are your personal deal breakers. So for instance, your boundary might be that he visits your kids between 2-6 pm on a Saturday. So if he turns up at 3pm you'd say, sorry luv, no more home visits because you're late. You don't ask for him to be punctual, you tell him what you want and if he doesn't deliver then there are consequences.

Thanks Bibbidee, I could write down something like that. I know I'm not setting boundaries but I'm also trying to keep the peace. I've had years of arguments over this.
I'm too soft I know but its for the kids sake, if he turned up late and I turned him away at the door, they would be upset.

If he turned up late and I turned him away at the door, they would be upset.

Your ex know this and this is how he continues to manipulate you and why you're unhappy.

Personally I couldn't live like this because I cannot stand to be this powerless, for want of a better word, because it would affect my self esteem.

Surely the kids need to see you have some boundaries? How do they feel about their dad turning up willy nilly when he can be arsed? Hardly worth protecting them by giving in to him when all he does is talk to you? I feel sorry for your DC's.

I think you need to make sure your ex knows when and where! This suits him...it needs to suit you now too. You have a life to lead, you can't be at everyone's beck and call, it's not possible. Explore the option of giving your kids more responsibility as well. And, I know online dating is sometimes crap, sometimes it feels just like a shag list. I got wise to it, listened to my gut instinct and spelled it out to any potential suitors (before I met them) that I wanted a relationship. Eventually, I met the most wonderful man, he is now my husband. But I was upfront at the beginning after falling for a few frogs. Do what feels right, but you have to start with putting yourself first for a bit...isn't it time you did that? You need to know when you can go out to hobbies or on dates.

My children are the same age. The both have autism too. I've accepted I won't meet anyone else, I'm not that bothered really. I've been married twice and I am in no rush to do it again.

Do the kids have friends they could do a sleepover with?
You could try Bumble for dating. A colleague uses it - females make the first move - which would avoid annoying messages from random men you don't fancy.
For meeting men; salsa class, golf lessons, tennis club, boxing gyms, karate or other self defence classes.
Download Meetup app and see if there are any group activites in your area.
Do you work in a job you can meet people? If not, could you get a part-time evening job at a place you think your ideal type of man would be?

Practise flirting everyday even in mundane situations like queuing to buy coffee!