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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dinner at the ILs tonight. Ignored as usual. Can't stand them.

47 replies

HisuiNatsutachi · 16/02/2018 20:48

A bit of background. I moved abroad to my DH country several years ago to be with him. I have a difficult relationship with his family to say the least. Nothing outrightly nasty has happened but we're completely different kinds of people (they're all a lot older, very old school and traditional and of course there's the culture and language differences) I can understand and speak their language but by no means am I fluent. They all know English but prefer not to speak to me in English. In their culture it's common for all the family to meet up at least every weekend. At first I went along with this but because they are all very interfering too, and need to know exactly everything what's going on in our life and need to have some sort of control over the decisions DH makes, I stopped going all the time. Now I see them once or twice a month which is enough for me. This did cause a lot of trouble at the start but I stood firm with my decision (I realised I needed to establish boundaries to protect myself). I've never tried to stop DH seeing his family. He visits his parents at least 2 or 3 times a week and they speak on the phone all the time. It upsets me that they treat him like a 40 year old baby, constantly mollycoddling him, but I've accepted this somewhat. Anyway, I dread family meet ups. Tonight we went. It was the PIL, SIL and BIL. I'm about to have major surgery in a couple of weeks.the whole evening they spoke to my DH in their native tongue about my condition, asking question after question. Not once did anyone even address me. I sat there- as usual- like a small fucking child without saying anything until I snapped and said enough, stop talking about me. I understand everything you're saying and I don't want you talking about this. It's my business. I'm so fed up. We left shortly afterwards and now DH isn't speaking to me. I really wonder sometimes how I ended up here. Any advice or nice words of encouragement? I'm in the Middle East by the way, my family in the UK.

OP posts:
TeenyW123 · 16/02/2018 20:50

Come home.

Ragwort · 16/02/2018 20:52

Your DH sounds totally unsupportive, why isn't he speaking to you? Seriously, you need to really think about whether you want this to be the pattern of your future life together. Sad.

Littlelambpeep · 16/02/2018 20:53

Really I would come home.

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 16/02/2018 20:53

Was he answering? Was he including you? Was he talking in both languages?

SpringSnowdrop · 16/02/2018 20:55

This sounds extremely hard but I don’t think they meant to upset tou - could it be they were asking out of concern? Could it be tiring to them to speak in English (it would be to me if not my mother tongue ) and as you are living there I would expect to speak theirs although they should at very least be courteous and try English to check you are ok if silent .
I don’t mean to sound like making excuses for them, just wondering whether it’s just hard for them too

Scabetty · 16/02/2018 20:56

Come home. Why didn’t dh say to his family it would be couteous to speak to you in English, if need be, if they wanted information. You are his property in their eyes.

TrappedAndLost · 16/02/2018 20:57

That's is so sad.
You must feel so lonely all the time.
I would get my surgery and then move home. Or postpone surgery and have it after moving home.
You can only live in isolation and be controlled for so long.

TaggieRR · 16/02/2018 20:58

I would come home too.

Snowydaysarehere · 16/02/2018 20:58

Sounds like your dh is happy to keep his apron strings. You need to remind him who he made his vows to. Or return home.

MadMags · 16/02/2018 21:00

Come home. 100% come home.

OldBlueStitches · 16/02/2018 21:02

That is crap. I know it's not always as easy as "Come home."... but isn't it? He's not going to change. This is the rest of your life!

I'd only caution against it if you have kids, because you'd need his written permission first, depending on the country you're in, to avoid being done for kidnapping them.

MrsMozart · 16/02/2018 21:02

Home.

Unless he's willing to support you amd to compromise, come home.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 16/02/2018 21:17

OP, if he won't support and respect you - come home.

Devonishome1 · 16/02/2018 21:19

I say come home also.

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/02/2018 21:20

Sounds like it's a total culture clash and you're never going to be happy regarding his family. Is everything else there great (in which case maybe just stop seeing them at all) or should you really be looking at coming back?

rothbury · 16/02/2018 21:23

I really hope you don't have DC with this pathetic mummys boy?

gillybeanz · 16/02/2018 21:23

Come home and marry a man who shares your culture?
Did you not know it would be like his when you married him?
Suggest he moves to the UK with you, so you can start again, but I'm sorry no way could I be with a man who put his extended family before me.

Lalliella · 16/02/2018 21:25

Does DH always take their side? Do you have kids? It’s all very well for outsiders to say come home but that might not be that easy for you. And it might be a bit extreme if it was a one-off with DH. Talk to him and tell him how you feel before making any big decisions. You were definitely NBU though. Good luck with your surgery Flowers

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 16/02/2018 21:26

Do you have kids?

Is your husband from the Middle East?

Do you have enough money to get to the UK?

NewSense · 16/02/2018 21:26

Been there, done that, I put my foot down and said I'm coming home. My husband came with me - his decision. I'd have left on my own if needed. It has helped our relationship, being away from his family (though there's a hell of a lot he still needs to learn about how things are going to be in our marriage! It's certainly not going to be a repeat of his parents' marriage...).

Would you be able to have a conversation with your husband? Mine wouldn't listen whilst we were still in that culture and context, so I had to be ready to take the drastic step of leaving. If you can talk it through first, with him listening to you, that would be a better first step I think.

I'm sorry though :( it sucks. I know how lonely it is :(

Qvar · 16/02/2018 21:29

You need to come home - but are you in one of those countries where he basically owns you? if so, could you contact the embassy?

zzzzz · 16/02/2018 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/02/2018 21:30

I also hope you don’t have children with him. If you do, play nice, apologise to him and his parents. Blame the anxiety of the operation and give an excuse you are afraid of leaving him alone if you die. Then pray he lets you take the children to the U.K.

Penfold007 · 16/02/2018 21:30

You have a massive 'D'H problem. is leaving an option for you?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/02/2018 21:32

Is he worth it, really? That's an awful way for them to treat you, and for your DH to allow you to be treated.
I'd really think twice about continuing in this marriage, especially if you haven't had any children yet - because once you do have children, you're stuck and your choice is almost gone.

PLease consider leaving him and returning to your home.