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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dinner at the ILs tonight. Ignored as usual. Can't stand them.

47 replies

HisuiNatsutachi · 16/02/2018 20:48

A bit of background. I moved abroad to my DH country several years ago to be with him. I have a difficult relationship with his family to say the least. Nothing outrightly nasty has happened but we're completely different kinds of people (they're all a lot older, very old school and traditional and of course there's the culture and language differences) I can understand and speak their language but by no means am I fluent. They all know English but prefer not to speak to me in English. In their culture it's common for all the family to meet up at least every weekend. At first I went along with this but because they are all very interfering too, and need to know exactly everything what's going on in our life and need to have some sort of control over the decisions DH makes, I stopped going all the time. Now I see them once or twice a month which is enough for me. This did cause a lot of trouble at the start but I stood firm with my decision (I realised I needed to establish boundaries to protect myself). I've never tried to stop DH seeing his family. He visits his parents at least 2 or 3 times a week and they speak on the phone all the time. It upsets me that they treat him like a 40 year old baby, constantly mollycoddling him, but I've accepted this somewhat. Anyway, I dread family meet ups. Tonight we went. It was the PIL, SIL and BIL. I'm about to have major surgery in a couple of weeks.the whole evening they spoke to my DH in their native tongue about my condition, asking question after question. Not once did anyone even address me. I sat there- as usual- like a small fucking child without saying anything until I snapped and said enough, stop talking about me. I understand everything you're saying and I don't want you talking about this. It's my business. I'm so fed up. We left shortly afterwards and now DH isn't speaking to me. I really wonder sometimes how I ended up here. Any advice or nice words of encouragement? I'm in the Middle East by the way, my family in the UK.

OP posts:

halfwitpicker · 16/02/2018 21:34

I'm an expat and put up with some shite but no fucking way would I stand that. Do you have kids?

halfwitpicker · 16/02/2018 21:36

Might be jumping the gun but unless your surgery is urgent I'd leave whilst you're supposed to be in hospital... You sound like you might be in a midnight flit situation.

SandAndSea · 16/02/2018 21:39

It all sounds awful. Come home.

AdaColeman · 16/02/2018 21:41

Come home.

They will never change.

I hope all goes well for you, and you make a speedy recovery. Perhaps use convalescence as an excuse to come home, then stay here?

Jux · 16/02/2018 21:41

Why is he allowing his family to treat you badly?

TERFannosaurusRex · 16/02/2018 22:01

Come home love. They're never going to change.

smargolis · 16/02/2018 22:06

Just trying to imagine the point of view from the other side. If you speak a bit of their language, probably Arabic, and if they understand English, you could also make an effort to join the conversation and not stay quiet waiting for them to fail at including you. I come from a foreign country and I must say the English have an amazing ability at engaging people in conversation, listening, taking turns in asking questions... Doesn't matter if it's all part of a rehearsed skill, it works. But not all cultures are like that. And if you judge them by your standards, you could be forever disappointed. You might have to jump in, interrupt, make your voice heard. And you could that in English, and not necessarily to make a point about them not speaking in English, but just because it would be more practical. But I'm not sure if there's any possibility of you starting again with PIL. Good luck!!!

AaronPurrSir · 16/02/2018 22:12

You are his property in their eyes.

This is what it ultimately comes down to.

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/02/2018 22:14

Your DH should have told them to speak to your directly and he should have backed you up.
I don't feel it's a dealbreaker relationship-wise though. However, it does need to be addressed.
FWIW, you get spineless DHs in any culture.

zzzzz · 16/02/2018 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thistlebelle · 16/02/2018 22:17

Your problem is not with them.

Your problem is that he is allowing this and condoning it.

Turkkadin · 16/02/2018 22:24

I have been in a mixed culture marriage for 15 years. We have spent the whole of our married life living in the UK away from my husbands family. I think this is the secret to why our relationship has endured!
I just could not live in close proximity to my inlaws. The cultural differences are just too huge! This difference has allowed us all to respect and even love one another as the years have passed.
The constant family gatherings and endless togetherness are for me, like they are for you, intensely annoying, intrusive and stressful.
Would you like to come home and live in the UK again? Is it a possibility?

Turkkadin · 16/02/2018 22:43

When my husband is with my family and friends we wouldn't dream of not including him in the conversation because in our culture that would be rude. We would feel awkward if he was sat there feeling left out so we would always make sure he could keep pace with the conversation. He has lived in England for 15 years and speaks good English but can still feel abit intimidated in a roomful of native speakers. My husbands family, on the other hand, would never slow down a conversation so I can keep up because I'm not fluent. Nobody speaks any English apart from my sil who speaks less English than I speak of her language so we usually always speak my husbands language when visiting. If I want a conversation with them I have to conduct it in their language, not mine. If I had lived there for several years I'm sure I would be expected to converse with them in nothing but their language. Culturally I don't think I will ever truly understand the way they are but I've come to accept that this is who they are. They arnt going to change for me so I've learnt to accept them at a distance.

My best wishes for a good operation and a speedy recovery OP

Iceskatingsnake · 16/02/2018 22:55

Gosh this reminds me so much of my parents and grandparents. All in the UK, immigrant background. My DF was treated like a prince by his parents and he went home from work every day for lunch at his parents house even after he married my DM. When we came along we were HIS kids in my GPs eyes. My DM was shown no respect or consideration. They were horrible to her. She was just property and even as kids it was obvious to us what they thought about her. If your DH won’t fight your corner with his parents this is going to be bloody hard. Is he absolutely worth this sacrifice? You need to put yourself first what with major surgery coming up. Will your DH support you, look after you and be kind etc? If not, have you any family/friends over here.

Lulu777 · 17/02/2018 00:00

There's a lot of dreadful stereotyping going on about the Middle East on this thread (and I say that as someone who has lived there). The OP is venting about her ILs (hardly a first on MN) and sounds lonely and sad. OP you need to explain to your DH how you feel and try to engage him in thinking constructively about how to solve the IL problem and ultimately how to save the marriage. He needs to understand he has to step up or risk losing you. Yes, maybe moving back to the UK is an option. Tbh many mixed country marriages face the problem of where to live 'for the rest of your lives' at some point, particularly as people get older and their parents get older. My British friend married a guy from NZ and they also have this strain on the relationship even without the cultural differences. So enough with the 'come home love' - it's so patronising and ignorant. It's also not helpful to the OP.

shinysinkredemption · 17/02/2018 00:08

I really wonder sometimes how I ended up here
Sounds like the 'come home' messages might be what the OP is thinking herself.

ohfourfoxache · 17/02/2018 00:21

You sound so sad

Come home

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/02/2018 03:22

"There's a lot of dreadful stereotyping going on about the Middle East on this thread "

No, there really isn't. Only a very few posters have even mentioned it, including you.

Most people would say the same regardless of where the OP is currently living, be it France, Asia, or the ME. The fact is that the ILs are excluding her by not speaking to her, despite the fact she can understand and reply, albeit less fluently. They could do that in any foreign language.
Her DH sees his family a LOT - it's a smothering relationship - but that could also happen in any culture/country, including the UK .

But the biggest issue is that her DH is not standing up for her in any way - and THAT is why most people are suggesting she cuts her losses and comes home.

Jux · 18/02/2018 14:53

Quite right, Thumb.

Come home.

WeiAnMeokEo · 18/02/2018 16:54

A lot of what you have said I relate to - my husband is from a super hierarchical culture with similar family norms and I have a similar language level to you. I have sat through many an interminable gathering listening to people talk about me not to me, commenting on what/how I eat, stating assumptions about me as fact based on what Americans do (I'm not American!). We had a fair few explosive rows about how infantilised I felt, how snubbed, how offended...

It took me a long time to swallow that none of this was rude in their culture. As a pp said, the idea of turn taking in conversation just doesn't exist in the same way, and they see me as part of my husband so them speaking to him about me was - for them -
the same as speaking to me. They wouldn't conceive of me having an issue with it- in their eyes they were showing concern and consideration for me and anyway he could always translate later. The reluctance to use English also turned out to be 90% them feeling ashamed at not being fluent - especially the elders who had status to consider. That shame didnt exist for me as I was younger and it was quite novel for an English speaker to be learning their language.

These realisations made it slightly easier for me, as has ploughing into language study. I say it because wot might have parallels to your situation, but if not please do overlook. I also know from bitter experience that is so, so hard to keep hold of a positive, accepting attitude when you're in the situation feeling like you're smashing your head against a cultural brick wall. I really empathise - can you talk to your husband and get him to explain things from their perspective? Put it as a problem for you to solve together rather than just the IL's problem? Ultimately if you really think there's no way you can adapt (which is not unreasonable - cultural difference is fucking hard in a relationship) then as others have said, consider coming home, but maybe worth giving it a final push first?

Good luck. And empathy!!

Howlongtilldinner · 18/02/2018 19:21

Been there done that. Culture? No sorry, it’s rude, just plain rude.

My exp was from another culture, who also thought it was ok to exclude mine. I spoke to many people from that culture, and was told it was rude, and inhospitable, for someone to be isolated like that.

My ILs could speak perfect English but in their home, amongst their own, they deemed it perfectly acceptable to speak their own language. That’s fine when you are with your ‘own’ but not when you’re not.

It’s rude to exclude/isolate anyone. It’s rubbish to accept that ‘culture’ makes it acceptable.

Reddlion · 18/02/2018 20:35

you married a man baby

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