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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just found out my boyfriend is a compulsive liar

33 replies

DutchMummy88 · 16/02/2018 20:09

I met this guy about 6 months ago, we fell head over heels in love and I had never been happier. We were talking about getting married in the future and making lots of future plans.
He's great with two kids and they absolutely adore him. He's met all my family and friends and they all loved him.
In the last month he seemed really scatty, plans that we'd made would get cancelled for strange reasons and my gut feeling was telling me something wasn't right. I asked him multiple times if there was anything he needed to tell me but he swore to me he was just a bit unorganised and that nothing was wrong.
This Tuesday just gone it got the better of me and I decided to do some checks. He had told me and everyone else that he was starting his new job lecturing at the local uni on the 21st. He told me so many details of the courses he would teach and the topics etc. How much he'd get paid, the days he'd have to work. How it would be nice as he would have the school holidays off.
I phoned them up and found out it was all a lie.
After this I contacted his friends behind his back and bit by bit discovered the lies.
I also found out he'd started snorting heroin around the time we got together.
I confronted him on Valentine's Day as soon as my children were picked up by their dad.
He didn't say much but just cried whilst I lost my shit at him and then I made him give back my key and leave the house.
These are some of the lies I found out
He told me he had lymphoma cancer in his twenties - not true
He booked me a surprise holiday for my upcoming 30th - not true
Got of the phone and told me and my friends that his mum just phoned to say his nan had a stroke - not true
On Valentine's Day itself he said his mum was in hospital for an operation. He'd told me initially weeks before so when it got to the day he was really concerned for her and kept calling his dad for updates. He told me so many details - not true
We spend the whole week trying to get money from his isa into my account for rent, booked appointments and everything as for some reason it wasn't working. He told me about emails he'd had from the bank. - there is no isa, even better he doesn't have a bank account at all.

This is just a small example.

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I love him so much and I know his feelings for me are real. I'm so angry that he did this to us. I was so happy to spend the rest of my life with him.
I think I'm still in shock from the whole thing. Every time I manage to forget about all the lies and the drugs for a second I'm overcome by this sadness that we can't be together anymore.

I have told his closest friends and family all the things I found out so that he can't live a lie any longer. He's been to the doctor with his mum and they're getting him into a rehab program and are looking for a psychiatrist.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to achieve by posting here. I guess that by writing it down like this it's all becoming a bit more real

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 16/02/2018 20:15

I know his feelings for me are real

His feelings for your bank account are real.

Sorry OP I've been there many years ago. Block him from your phone and social media. Be on the alert for a failed suicide "attempt" to prove how much he really does love you.

It's a horrible shock once the truth dawns on you but at least you didn't entangle your whole life with him and can walk away cleanly.

bluecashmere · 16/02/2018 20:17

Why on earth are you convinced his love for you is real when nothing else was?

You've only known him 6 months. End it and cut all ties. Please don't try to save him.

donners312 · 16/02/2018 20:18

Get!!!! Rid!!!!!

Married3Children · 16/02/2018 20:22

Actually I suspect his feelings are real, just like yours.
He has very serious MH issues and it’s great that he is getting help.

HOWEVER, giving him the support to get through it is NOT your responsibility.
If it was a 15 years relationship and you had dcs together, maybe it would be. But not now after 6 months.
He has broken your trust and the seeing how much he has deceived you, it will be impossible to recover form that.

So yes move on and remember that by finding out about his lies, you have saved yourself a lot of heartache as well as given him the opportunity to get help.
I’m not sure there is more you can do.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 16/02/2018 20:23

I’m sorry to sound harsh, it’s not meant to make you feel worse - but you did not know his feelings for you are real - he seems to have absolutely no concept of real.

Anymajordude · 16/02/2018 20:24

Do not under any circumstances continue a relationship with him. Mourn what you thought you had. You didn't actually have it and you can never have it with this man.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/02/2018 20:26

He doesn't know what real is.

MrsElvis · 16/02/2018 20:26

You fell in love with a man who doesn't exist.

He went into this lying, instantly setting out to deceive you.

Please don't get sucked into helping him now when he set out to con you from day 1

teethtrauma · 16/02/2018 20:27

Did he live with you?

Bluedoglead · 16/02/2018 20:31

He is not your problem. Step away. Now.

champagneplanet · 16/02/2018 20:32

You don't love him, you love the person he led you to believe he is and that person doesn't exist.

He clearly has huge issues, let him go and sort his life out, hard as it may be initially remind yourself that you and your family have been lied to and used as props in his story. You deserve better than that Thanks

Onceuponatimethen · 16/02/2018 20:35

Oh op I’m glad you’ve ended this. I’ve had similar with a friend. I don’t know if he’s stopped lying or if my friend will always do it. We aren’t close now as the trust is gone.

Artfooldodger · 16/02/2018 20:36

I could have posted exactly the same 20 years ago if Mumsnet had existed then even thought he really loved me. Check your bank accounts, make sure that you recognise all transactions. Then shut him & block him out of your life. Apparently the "boyfriend" I had even named a star after me - I know it was just another of his myriad of lies, which oddly enough involved sick close relatives too.
You're worth far more than this, so don't allow him to wreck your life.

YNK · 16/02/2018 20:42

So sorry OP.

You need to grieve for the loss of a fantasy because that's all he was.

The reality falls very far short

Estellanpip · 16/02/2018 20:47

I feel for you as this fantasist has met your children and managed to insert himself into your life, but the plus side is that the relationship was very new. Forget about him.
I was seeing someone and had an almost identical experience a few years ago but didn't introduce him to anyone as I had a feeling something wasn't quite right. He was far too into me far too quickly, I hadn't met any of his friends (turns out he had form for lying and he didn't want me to find out), and a lot of what he said failed to materialise.
The strange thing was that there was no need for all the lies. It was usually silly things like saying he'd bought me clothes from a certain shop and making a big deal of it, only they had labels from another shop. That he had a brain tumour was a more serious one. He also always seemed to be a victim of someone or something.
The final straw was when he showed me medication for his tumour, but the prescription label had his grandmother's name on and were generic painkillers. I literally ran for the door at that and never looked back. I felt sick and very angry, as opposed to having any other feelings for him.

FannyWisdom · 16/02/2018 20:52

Sorry he's done this to you.
It's only six months, go now.
Don't beat yourself about what has gone but take yourself and family away from this fucker.

mayhew · 16/02/2018 21:22

Thank god you found out now and took decisive action. Well done!
A friend of mine married her fantasist. It took her years and £1000s to get free. She was humiliated and her self belief was in shreds. She has never recovered.

Original poster
DutchMummy88 · 16/02/2018 21:24

I know I can't continue a relationship with him and I have no intention of doing so either. I understand that its not up to me to get him through this. He's got a serious mental illness and need a lot of intense professional help.
I do really believe he loves me though, but I understand why you are all saying he didn't. I guess I'd say the same if someone told me this story.
He had his own flat in my road but the last month he was living with me and he was going to hand in his notice in the next few months.
Another lie - I found out as well that his flatmates had kicked him out weeks ago because he hadn't paid rent. So when I kicked him out he was homeless and he slept outside that night.

OP posts:
Original poster
DutchMummy88 · 16/02/2018 21:31

I'm sure he didn't steal anything from me though as I'm absolutely skint so there was nothing to steal...

It's so crazy though, it almost sounds like a made up story.

I had the worst year of life in 2017 and struggled massively with postnatal depression that had been going on for a long time. But I got myself out of it, it took me all I got but I was feeling happy and strong again. And then I met him Sad
People always say that you need to love yourself first before good things can come your way, so I just thought that that had finally happened for me.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 16/02/2018 21:44

Oh love.

You had only just recovered from depression when you met him. I know you said you felt happy and positive, but you were probably still vulnerable and that's why you fell so hard for him.

But you didn't love him. You loved who he pretended to be. And he didn't love you. His alter ego, his persona did.

None of it is real. The very fact that you were talking about marriage after only 6 months of knowing each other, is a big sign that it was all fantasy.

This is a really terrible thing to have happened to you. Please get some RL counselling to help you through this, because I think you need a bit more support to ensure you don't go back to depression. Be kind to yourself and look after yourself. Flowers

DownTownAbbey · 16/02/2018 21:46

Do some research into psychopaths. Love bombing, future faking, superficial charm, making up serious illnesses and lying easily are all there in your OP.

Pat yourself on the back that you were smart enough to out his lies. You're a very clever woman Flowers

TheSnowFairy · 16/02/2018 21:47

When I was a teen I went out with someone who lied about absolutely everything - his age, family, friends - and this is just the stuff I found out about.

Flowers for you op.

Jellyheadbang · 16/02/2018 22:15

Been there, I knew from the first line of your post that drugs would be involved. You will never get what you want from this person. Let his family deal with it and save yourself a fuckload of heartache and disappointment.

Bananacabana · 16/02/2018 22:31

Really glad you decided to trust your intuition and do some digging. Sounds as though dodged a massive bullet! Well done, stay strong.

selfishcrab · 16/02/2018 22:38

He's an addict and he needs professional help ... you need to walk away.
Herion destroys the addicts life and the people around them.

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