How do you come to terms with the fact that the man you married was probably NEVER the man you thought he was?

[PerfectlyDone]

Almost 4 months since STBXH owned up having OW (not his first, 2nd chance was given 3 years ago and obviously squandered) and while I am sad and angry on the kids' behalf, I know that in the long run I will be fine, but OMG the hurt: he walks OW's dog - never walked ours, they are currently away on the trip of a lifetime - I am the traveller in the family, much more interested in places and people rather than things, he tells me less than he tells random passers by - I literally don't know where he is in the world just now, just that there is 'rain forest', but he has told the postie.

I am seriously struggling with coming to terms about quite how much he clearly is not the man I thought he was, not the man I thought I had married 20 years ago, not the man I lived through considerable hardship and heartbreak with.

How off must my judgement be?? I loved him a lot and as father of our children in some odd way still do, but what was I thinking hitching my life to his?? His self-absorption knows no end, it is literally as if he had taken leave of his senses.

He has ditched us in order to be able to lead the kind of life I would love to live. With somebody else

He needs me to mind the children so he can swan off - I am staggered by his behaviour and cannot stop thinking about what an idiot I was.

Does it get better? Sigh.

Very sorry you are going through this Perfect.

It may not seem like it now but from what you have said here the answer to 'does it get better' is yes, it already has. This self centred thoughtless dope has gone and will soon be EX. You have said nothing good about him at all in your post, so I ask, was there much good to say? Did he provide you much happiness in the last 20 years (DC aside)? Because from where I'm standing he has not covered himself in glory. He walks OW dog but not the family dog? .

I hope you find the strength in the coming days to realise that you are much better off without someone who treats you and the DC with such little respect. Look after yourself.

He walks her dog because he's trying to make a good impression. Imagine how pissed off she's going to be when she finds out what he's REALLY like - when he's lying around on the sofa scratching his balls and muttering about it raining and she has to take the dog out herself...by then it will be too late for her!

He’s never going to be the man she thinks he is either. Once he settles into the relationship (if it gets that far! It probably won’t!) all of the bullshit will fall away and she’ll be left with all the things you hated about him too.

I think the 'kind of life I'd love to live' thing probably has some bearing on it - when you met he heard what you'd like and thought 'yeah, that sounds like a pretty cool future', then reality hit (because he had probably never once engaged his brain to actively think about how the future would actually be) and he was astonished that he doesn't get to do all that immediately. Same ideas still attract him next time(s) round, because he still doesn't understand that that isn't normal life.

To be honest with you , he WAS a different man then and he has just changed into a wanker - it is as simple as that ! Don't write off the whole of your past ( although I know how easy it is to think this ) . You made a decision at the time based on what you knew and at the time it was the best for you. Don't beat yourself up about it . It really is not your fault ! He is the twat !

Thank you, all

I am making such a deliberate effort to not be bitter. I have forgiven him, but will never forget.

He does have many good attributes but deep inside he is a needy, scared little boy and I have not been enough of a mother and whore for his 'needs' - I thought we were a partnership of equals, of adults.

I've known him for 24 years, we have built careers and a family together and no, I won't write all that off. He seems to have caught a rather virulent form of midlife crisis.

I know we are both to blame that our relationship stalled and became stale - it's not like the last few years were all ecstasy and happiness for me either. But the fact remains that I did not lie and cheat, my behaviour was too passive, but never duplicitous. I was holding out for the 'good times' after the 'bad', and I was 'forsaking all others'.

As I said, my head knows I will be fine, but my heart is not quite there yet. He's had a number of years to check out of this relationship, he omitted to inform me of the fact that was what he was doing.
I am so lucky to have supportive family (in another country, I am pretty much alone here) and I have found out who my true friends are.

Would you rather go back to your family? I wouldn't feel I owed him any loyalty.

I maybe would if I was on my own, but the children's lives are very much settled here. All 4 going to local schools, various sporting and music activities, all their friends are here.

I am also lucky that I have a good job and good income and I am very much part of the community here also.
I've lived in the UK for 25 years, it would be a bit of a shock to go back 'home'.

Actually, this is another thing: I am from an EU country, arrived here on invitation of the British government at the time, all but a red carpet was rolled out . Brexit is more than unsettling, I don't know whether/how my status might be affected once I am divorced and therefore no longer married to a British citizen.

It's not just that he has put me in a position in which I have to worry about all this (don't know whether I'll be able to keep the house which I really want to to keep the kids' lives as stable as possible), but that he seems to have not thought about this AT ALL.

I really cannot get over the self-absorption. Prick.

Does he have the DCs 50:50.
How can he have this new life, he still is a father?

Nowhere near 50:50.

He is quite happy doing the fun stuff, Friday night pizza and favourite TV show with them all.
Quite happy having a cheap, easy to look after 2 bedroom flat, while I do everything else.
Quite happy not to talk about finances

Don't worry, appointment with lawyer is booked.

I felt this too but in reality he has just changed, it wasn’t that your judgement was “off” when you agreed to spend the rest of your lives together.
Well done to you for keeping to your vows. The pain will pass, you are the better person, think of your children, a better life awaits!

Understand your pain OP, was with my ex for nearly 30 years when he cheated, now lives with OW. my children are 18 and 22 and he hardly sees them, always has the her with him. He is not the same man, we all change along the way but some chang for the worse. I find it very sad as he was a lovely man who adored his kids, now he seems to prioritise his own needs and OW.s. So I try not to let who he is now taint the memories I have. Just glad I'm not with him now, but free to live my own life and maybe one day meet someone else. Our stories are similar and your comment about the head has moved on but the heart not being quite there is quite true - we will get there though.

It's like grieving for someone who has died but their body is walking around with someone else in it. You can still have the life you dreamed of, you don't need him to be happy. Good luck x

"He seems to have caught a rather virulent form of midlife crisis."

Not 'caught' but is that parasitic virus as most men are.

They are brought into this world by women and do nothing but reproduce and look for the next queen with which to mate.

If you are happy to live with a drone, fine. Otherwise get your 'ducks in a row' to fly.

Can you speak to a relate counsellor. I have no idea why your DH behaved like this but a counsellor could perhaps shed some light and also give you an opportunity to voice your anger. It might help you move onto your new life (which won't include a two timing rat).

Thank you all again

I met with a friend this morning who really was STBXH's friend first, has known him the longest of all his friends, was our best man and H was his - you get the picture.
He is equally astonished by how things are unfolding. Ah well. I suppose it's quite nice to have my incredulity validated. Or summat.

I've been to Relate, in fact we've been together, then separately. I don't feel the need to go back tbh although I really liked my counsellor.

I know this cannot come across, being typed on a website an'all but I am actually ok. I am lining various ducks up as we speak, I am looking after myself (eating well, sleeping enough, v little alcohol etc) and the DCs and I know all will be well with time.

Like I said, heart catching up with head is where the challenge lies...

A moving post OP, you sound thoughtful and lovely.

One thing I must ask you though - and I haven't read following posts - did you follow your star (during your marriage that is)?

And I like ShirleyValentine's post. Caustic metaphor perhaps. But more than a little truth its worth remembering ....

I know how you feel and it’s awful.

Ex was a lazy bastard when he lived with me and didn’t cook for me once in the 4 years we were together (even the day after I came home from a c section). I’d always be wanting to go away for little weekend breaks in cottages in Devon and Cornwall but that was ‘never his thing’.

I left him when I found out he was seeing the OW and her social media page is always full of dinners he’s cooked for her and weekends away in Devon. It’s hard not to be jealous when if he had done some of these things in our relationship maybe we would have been happier and he wouldn’t have left.

The hardest thing for me to come to terms with my ex was that he does all the ‘right’ things with this other woman. Doesn’t scream and shout at her, spends time with her rather than all selfish hobbies and spending money on himself. She gets flowers and doors opened for her, none of which I ever got. What pisses me off is he made all his mistakes on me and learned to be a better person and someone else is getting the benefit, while I was left devastated for ages.

Best thing I did to get over him and the abuse was to ‘fake it til you make it’. Went out, did things, got better job and so on. You do get over it (mostly)

I had this - 13 years on and still can't quite believe it. She didn't just take my husband but my whole life, and she was a mutual friend. But fuck them they deserve each other. Wished I believed in Karma! in the mean time I try and try and try.

I had a similar experience, except ex was already doing fun, adventurous things when I met him, but stopped as soon as we moved in together! I persuaded him to take me along a couple of times (on the more commonplace of his sporty hobbies), but he wasn't happy to slow down to my speed, so I had a fairly hard time, and didn't enjoy it. I honestly did try though, to persuade him to keep doing the things he enjoyed anyway, without me. I developed a few other hobbies and went to evening classes.
Since we split up I've since met someone lovely, who has taken me along doing all kinds of hobbies (and we have some we both do already). He does them without me too, as I'll never be as fast/strong.
Ex still does almost nothing and has gained a lot of weight - bizarre that my existence in his life seemed to remove all energy for hobbies forever!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that after 23 years h has gone from a bohemian , couldn't do enough for me , very 'new ' man, to someone I know can certainly cheat emotionally (even if it was a one off experience) and with a bad secret porn habit and I think he rarely puts me first. He does have a good side to him too but I certainly am somewhat suprised at the personality/manners transplant over time, as I think I have remained much the same

Thank you all for sharing your experiences - there is some solace in the knowledge that I am not alone in feeling as I do.

I am currently looking at singles' holidays - $4000/wk in St Lucia . So that's never going to happen then!

for all.

How does he afford the “rainforest”? Definitely get to the lawyer!!