How do you come to terms with the fact that the man you married was probably NEVER the man you thought he was?

[PerfectlyDone]

Almost 4 months since STBXH owned up having OW (not his first, 2nd chance was given 3 years ago and obviously squandered) and while I am sad and angry on the kids' behalf, I know that in the long run I will be fine, but OMG the hurt: he walks OW's dog - never walked ours, they are currently away on the trip of a lifetime - I am the traveller in the family, much more interested in places and people rather than things, he tells me less than he tells random passers by - I literally don't know where he is in the world just now, just that there is 'rain forest', but he has told the postie.

I am seriously struggling with coming to terms about quite how much he clearly is not the man I thought he was, not the man I thought I had married 20 years ago, not the man I lived through considerable hardship and heartbreak with.

How off must my judgement be?? I loved him a lot and as father of our children in some odd way still do, but what was I thinking hitching my life to his?? His self-absorption knows no end, it is literally as if he had taken leave of his senses.

He has ditched us in order to be able to lead the kind of life I would love to live. With somebody else

He needs me to mind the children so he can swan off - I am staggered by his behaviour and cannot stop thinking about what an idiot I was.

Does it get better? Sigh.

I had this when I split with my ex. Really questioned my own judgement. Was v v cautious and anxious about meeting someone else. Scrutinised his behaviour constantly to start with. I think it’s that someone has pulled the rug from under your feet and you weren’t expecting it. If you look back hard enough though, there will have been signs all along though.

Be kind to yourself. Error of judgement? Maybe. But not uncommon. No point in regrets. Just got to build on all the good things you have and create a new life for yourself. You may be surprised at how much better it is.

If you look back hard enough though, there will have been signs all along though.

Yes, my hindsight is definitely 20/20.

However, I really need to not look back and paint everything black because that would devalue everything we have achieved.

I think that’s a hard thing to do. I find it hard to look back on anything I did with my ex with fondness. We didn’t have kids though. For me it’s very much tainted things. I find it easier that way to look forward though.

We have had amazing holidays together, lived through a fair bit of adversity, built careers together, got through repeated MCs, then 4 DCs, bought and did up 2 houses, supported each other through bereavement and family illness.

I cannot write that off.
I am making a deliberate effort to NOT be bitter - sad, angry, disappointed, yes; but not bitter.

You sound very strong and soon your heart will catch up. The way these men act is astounding. My ex left me heavily pregnant for ow. I’ll never forget what they both did even though they act like it’s all forgotten.
A friend said she saw them the other day looking miserable/bored of each other whilst running round after 3 children (2 of mine). I do believe in karma x

I’m not saying you should write it off. Just saying it’s a hard thing to do. For what’s it worth, I was very bitter for a while, but not any more. But I look forward and don’t take much pleasure in looking back.

Give yourself permission to feel the whole range of emotions. You might feel bitter at times, but you will move through it.

You definately sound strong and resilient.

Pondering on the why's and wherefors of what he has done is very normal and part of a period of adjustment for the person that has been left behind. I don't for a second underestimate the pain you have been and are still going through.

You don't mention much about his relationship with your 4 children.
Why do some men think they have the option to walk off to a life of freedom and let the wife take all the responsibility for the kids?
This would make me never want to waste another second of my life on him again.

I read your post and smiled. Not because your situation was amusing but I remembered back to when my exh first got with his now ex gf. He was horribly smug. Did all the things I wanted to do as a couple and a family. Threw himself into the doting dad/step dad role. It was stomach churning to watch him morph into the person that could have saved our marriage. It was a massive slap in the face but I kept my head down and got on with my life.
Little did I know this perfect life I believed he had was all rubbish. Only took a few years but they split for the same reasons we did. I wasn't thrilled or smug that they'd split just felt vindicated I suppose that id been right the whole time. It was all an act and I wasn't to blame.

Well, you sound brilliant. You will be fine.

It was stomach churning to watch him morph into the person that could have saved our marriage.

Yes!
That is exactly it! So frustrating.

I truly hope his new relationship will work out because if it doesn't, what is the point of all this upheaval and heartbreak?!

Thank you, all, again. Some minutes days I feel more resilient than others

It was horrid but I had to sit there and say to myself well at least he's learned something from his time with me and at least our DC will benefit from such a positive relationship. Nah he was the same as he always was. Too arrogant to change. I'm past caring x

I actually found the revelation that exH wasnt the man I believed him to be very freeing. We had a messy period before I found out about the OW where I had mourned our relationship and probably believed we would get through it. When I found out about the OW and the web of lies and pure deceit it was like finally- an end. I could easily walk away as he wasn’t the man I had ever thought he was as that man- my soul mate and best friend- could never have hurt me in that way. Therefore the loss was really only of my belief of what or who he had been, and the loss of him actually wasn’t bad at all.
I had one weekend of tears and grief and then it was like a switch.
13 years on and I have such a blessed life with an actual best friend and soul mate and how real this is makes me see even more what a fake my exH was and indeed still is.
for you OP- you are better than him and better without him.

The fact that they morph into the person who could have saved your marriage shows that they KNEW what they were doing wrong and what they could have done to put it right. They just didn't want to. So they put it on with the next person to dupe them into thinking that they are the perfect partner...they can't keep it up. It slips.

One of my exes never lifted a FINGER in the house. Started doing everything for his new partner, cleaning, washing up, doing laundry. Fortunately, she is a much tougher woman than I am, and she's made him stick to doing it (I've heard).

He must be struggling by now.

Perfectly what shines through your posts is your emotional maturity, your willingness to examine the past and your own behaviour then accept and deal with what you find. You absolutely will be ok. More than ok. Your nobility and bravery will mean your heart will soon catch up with your head.

zaphodsotherhead that was exactly the case with my ex. I don't know for definite but I'm convinced he'd refuse to do activities etc with myself and our DC because he knew that it would upset me more if he didn't. In the end I would do stuff without him. He didn't like that either. The mask slips sooner or later.

It was stomach churning to watch him morph into the person that could have saved our marriage. It was a massive slap in the face

Yes!

That's exactly how I felt. But even just a few months down the line I can see that my ex's new GF is getting the same treatment I did.