Am I In a controlling relationship?

[Lady82]

Hi, been with my partner for 5.5 years now married for 4. We had our son 2.5 years ago.

If i remember correctly this is when things definitely got worse. We had a whirlwind romance.

When I google controlling men he shows classic signs. When we first met it was big grand gestures, fancy restaurants. Presents, very generous. Moved in very quickly and married after year and a half. We moved through the big milestones at a fast pace. I was swept off my feet and was hoping that I’d meet my soul mate and have children.

He’s a high earner I am not. I work part time in a badly paid job which I do like but when I do work it takes me away for short spells and I think he finds that infuriating. I think he likes that I don’t earn much and I’m dependant on him.

Lately I’ve been going nuts thinking his behaviour is unacceptable and just want to leave and move on. It’s like we are contstantly in these cycles of ups and downs.

I hate rowing in front of our son and don’t want him to grow up thinking that our toxic/cold relationship is normal.

We row a lot and they can be quite nasty then we will go on to have silences because I feel it’s easier.

He is super tidy and I feel has some sort of OCD. Everything has to be just so which is difficult to live with especially with a toddler. I constantly feel like I’m treading on eggshells around him. He likes to be in control. He is a high earner in a stressful job and pays for everything I should add and we live in a lovely house.

I feel like he puts me down all of the time. He calls me lazy and selfish. (I know I am not either of those things. Criticises the way I parent our son. He is charming to outsiders. People think he is lovely but he is Jeckyl and hide with me.

There is no physical harming but it’s more emotional. The other day I got back from work and it was valentines. We went speaking before I went away because the house wasn’t up to his perfectionist standards so we had a row. I left early the next morning and so we didn’t speak until I got home the following night.

He waited up for me to get home so we could eat. He hadn’t cooked but heated something up. I asked him why he had done this particular thing when he was doing something else that he had text me about in our way home. He told me I was ungrateful and thoughtless and to throw it in the bin. He said I don’t know how lucky I am.

He went to bed then sent me a text to say that I shouldn’t even attempt to go into our bed and sleep in the spare room. When I ignored him about an hour later and tried to get in. He used his feet to push me away until I left.

Sometimes I know my life would be easier if I didn’t row back but I don’t want him to think That he is walking all over me.
I’ve threatened to leave him but i know at the moment I have knowehere to go.
(That could change later on in the year as my mum is moving closer)

He’s not affectionate or loving towards me. Rarely cuddles or kisses me. We have sex about once a month. He’s not got a very low libido probably because work is so stressful.

I constantly have this feeling of loneliness and know I deserve more. I’m not material as a person I didn’t come from anything. It doesn’t bother me not having a lavish lifestyle I’d rather be happy.

I’m not needy either but I just crave a normal loving relationship and intamacy with someone.

I feel down more often than not with him but feel I cannot leave because of our son. I haven’t spoke to anyone about this. I have a mum and a sister although neither nearby but I suppose I don’t want to worry them and if I do it really means I have to confront the issues I’m facing. I have friends but also live far away and have a few new friends but I embarrassed by admitting the truth.

I’m a sociable, kind person who I know can have a future with my husband I’m just scared to take the leap. I feel my confidence has been affected, my motivation is lacking and I generally feel like muddle though each day.

We are at a crossroads at the moments as my husband would like another baby.

This is nigh on impossible as we don’t have sex enough and how can I bring another child into this environment? I would also like another baby for my son but certainly not with how things are.

We tried couples counselling recently which helped temporarily but things are back to how they were.

Any advice as my first step?

Oh you poor thing, DO NOT have another baby with him, it will get even worse and you will be even more trapped.

but feel I cannot leave because of our son

No, you should absolutely leave him BECAUSE of your son, or he will grow up thinking this is the norm and this is how women should be treated.

Sorry, that may not be want you want to hear and I'm not usually one to jump on the 'LTB' train but he sounds awful and you sound miserable.

Live is too short to live like this.

Please talk to your Mum and Sister and get some real life advice on what to do next.

Don't even think of having another child

Please talk to your friends about this or your family if you can, don't be embarrassed but please leave him.

I was with a guy like your husband.

He left me & I thank my lucky stars every damn day that he left. My life is happy, drama free, stress free.

I'm happy & so is my son.

I dread to think the negative impact it would have had on my son if my ex was still around.

Il tell you one thing. LEAVE!

Op your ds won't resent you for leaving but may well resent you staying. Do not agree to ttc and don't rely on him for contraception. Confide in your dm - she is there to support your choices regardless of your age you know!! I have seen my dd through a recent break up and would be distraught to know she had stuck it out and hadn't told me how unhappy she was.

1st step is to face reality.
Talk to your family about all of this.
Let them know what you are going through and ask for their support.
If your job is low paid, is it something you can do closer to your family and friends?
Why did you move away from them in the 1st place?

Your son deserves to be brought up in a loving home.
The relationship you are modelling for him right now is very damaging.
So for HIS sake and your own, you need to make an exit plan.
Get RL people to help you with this.

You get one shot at this life.
Just one!!!
Don't waste it being unhappy and lonely.
From recent experience, make every day count.
Make every day a happy one because you don't know what is around the corner.

Lady

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does your H meet here?. Any perceived embarrassment and shame you feel is just that; perceived. The embarrassment and shame is all on your H, not you. You are not responsible for his actions.

Do not bring another child into this relationship which is at its heart abusive. I can see why your H wants another child though; that would be to keep you barefoot, further controlled and pregnant.

Being in this relationship is a lot more scary frankly than leaving your H. All your son will see is his dad dragging you, and in turn him, down with him. You can and should leave because of your son actually; is this an ideal relationship model to be showing him?. No it is not. You can be afraid of change but its no reason to stay within this relationship either. Your H is likely to be difficult and obstinate regarding the whole separation process and beyond that as well but that is also no reason not to go ahead with separating from him. He won't like the fact that he is losing control of you because he will then have to find another woman to similarly manipulate and that takes time.

Couples counselling is actually not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. He has in all likelihood manipulated the counsellor just as you have been to date.

Your DS will not resent you for leaving his dad; he cannot afford to learn that yes this is how men treat women. He is learning about relationships here from the two of you; what do you want to teach him?. This is a shite model to be showing him.

I would contact Womens Aid in your particular circumstances and they can and will help you further. 0808 2000 247 is their number.

Do not keep his abuse of you and in turn your son a secret; tell your mother and sister asap. Abuse like this thrives on secrecy.

I hope that the two of them are supportive of you.

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft (keep this in your workplace) and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid. This will help you better with boundaries and not ignoring or minimising the red flags.

Thanks all for your advice. I will certainly get these books and contact woman's aid. I'm seeing my mum next month so perhaps that's a good time to talk to her. I just feel like im questioning my own judgment. Then I think perhaps I am ungrateful. What some people would do have this. It looks great from the outside. I live in what some people would see as a dream house. But to me it feels like a shell. A shell with no love inside.

Thanks again, in years while writing this but perhaps this is the kick up the arse I need and will reinforce my gut instinct Which constantly tells me to go.

Your gut is very rarely wrong.
Trust it.
I hope WA can help you see this for what it is.

I would contact WA as soon as you are able to do so. All calls to them are confidential.

Abusers can appear to be very plausible to those in the outside world but you know the truth about him. BTW Lady, what are his parents like; they would give you clues as well.

No you are not ungrateful in the very least and your H has had you also question your judgment. You know this treatment of you is wrong on all levels and its no relationship model to show your son either.

BTW does he question you at length re your spending as well?.

Under what circumstances would you consider it to be ok to treat him as he has treated you?

I suspect you’d never think it was ok under any circumstances?

Now why on earth would you think this was an appropriate relationship to model to your son? It isn’t! Do your son a favour and plan to get him out of there before he grows up thinking this is normal

Interestingly he doesn't question my spending. My wages are paid into my own account. I use them for me and my son for outings etc. He pays for everything else and I have access to his credit cards for as and when I need them for food or things for my son.

As for his Parents, they are older. Still married and together but they certainly don't have a loving relationship. They are together because of habit and the bother it would cause trying to untangle their finances. And probably other people's opinions knowing them. They have both told me separately they should of left a long time ago.

Because we don't live close by to them we don't spend an awful lot of time with them but they are most certainly unhappily married. They will try to put on a united front
but it's not long before they start bickering in front us and others.

My husbands brother died recently after a trajectory long term illness. His relationship with his wife was also strained and me and my sister in law have since discussed the impact his parents have had in their sons upbringing/relationships.

That's another reason I haven't left as he's not long lost his brother. But I don't want history repeating itself with my son witnessing how our relationship is.
I thought the loss of his brother might highlight what's important in life but clearly that's not the case.

Hi Lady82

You are in a very bad relationship and you need to leave. He lulled you into a false sense of security by love bombing you and rushing things with grand gestures. It WILL get worse. It won't get better and please do not bring another child into this.

You sound so lovely and intelligent, you know what he is doing is not right. I understand the reasoning behind arguing back because you don't want him walking all over you. I did that, I stood my ground and argued back for a while but then he started beating me so I wouldn't try anymore. Your husband will eventually do that too.

You have to leave him, talk to your parents. Please.

And pushing you away with his feet (which is kicking....) IS physical abuse.

You need to get out, for your own sake and for your child.

I’ve been in your position. I was embarrassed and ashamed and didn’t want to worry my family who were 150 miles away.

One day I got on a coach with my DS and a suitcase and turned up unannounced on my parents doorstep. They never even asked me why, just took me in no questions asked

Your family love you and I’m sure they would not want you or your DC to suffer, go to them and get away from this horrible bully

Wellfuckmeinbothears love the name!! I'm new to this site so not sure if I'd responded to you correctly. Thanks for your words of wisdom. I never thought of it ever getting worse, naively just better. My parents broke up when I was small and I didn't want to end up as another divorcee. Saying that my mum set a great example to us growing up that you should ever stay for the sake of it.

Hi Lady82.

You are so welcome. I was in a relationship with someone who love bombed me, lured me in with his grand gestures and generosity and level of commitment at a time when I was looking for all of that. Then he started getting controlling, being anal about the house being clean. Not liking me working, not liking me seeing anyone other than him and then it began to descend to the awful rows where I would stand my ground and tell him what I thought. He would text me after storming off almost word for word what your husband texted you "don't even try to come to bed" and then it was "don't you dare come to bed" and then "If you dare to come in this room I will make you regret it" then it started with him slapping, pushing, kicking me if I tried to argue back. Then he was just beating me if something was out of place in the house or if he had had a bad day at work or if I looked at him wrong or breathed too loudly or did the wrong load of washing. He eventually took control of my bank account so I had no way to leave even when I wanted to. After that he started raping me and beating me daily, some days more than once. It was hell.

Please, please take my advice. I know that right now it is only just occurring to you that he is being controlling but I am so scared for you that it will become worse and worse. Once someone shows traits of being an abusive person it will always get worse.

x

Gosh I'm so sorry to hear you had such s horrendous time of it! This thread has definitely made me sit up and think about this nightmare I'm living in. I really appreciate you're advice and I hope that you have found happiness now x

Thank you, that's really kind. It took me a long time to get myself together so I could leave so I know it isn't straight forward or easy.

I am very happily married now, I have wonderful husband who is worlds apart from my ex.

If you need any more advice or just want to talk feel free to pm me and I'll happily lend an ear!

Womens aid are very good at helping put things in perspective, they were my starting point x

It certainly doesn't sound as if there is much fun or love in your relationship. Make plans to leave and get your ducks in a row. Pay for things using his credit card and save your own cash. Photocopy paperwork and work out your exit plan.
It sounds as if he could turn nasty when he realises you are serious about going.

The quicker you do it, the better it will be for your DC too, as he'll not remember living with daddy at this age.

He is controlling and abusive. It isn't your responsibility to have an immaculate house. If he wants it tiduerhe can do it himself or hire someone to do it. You're as entitled as he is to have a job (and thank god that you have it).

You're married and have a child and he's a high earner so go and see a solicitor and find out what he has to provide.

I know you don't want to be a divorcee, but is being an abused wife really better?

Start talking to your family about it now. The longer you keep it secret, the longer you will stay and make do.

It may not feel like it but he is definitely controlling you financially. He earns far more than you - but you only have access to his credit cards so you can buy stuff like food and things your son needs?

Start your own savings now. Put everything on the cards. Save every penny of your wages. Eventually you will have a share of the dream house and child maintenance payments but you might have a while when cashflow is a problem. Prepare. Ducks in a row.