Hi, been with my partner for 5.5 years now married for 4. We had our son 2.5 years ago.
If i remember correctly this is when things definitely got worse. We had a whirlwind romance.
When I google controlling men he shows classic signs. When we first met it was big grand gestures, fancy restaurants. Presents, very generous. Moved in very quickly and married after year and a half. We moved through the big milestones at a fast pace. I was swept off my feet and was hoping that I’d meet my soul mate and have children.
He’s a high earner I am not. I work part time in a badly paid job which I do like but when I do work it takes me away for short spells and I think he finds that infuriating. I think he likes that I don’t earn much and I’m dependant on him.
Lately I’ve been going nuts thinking his behaviour is unacceptable and just want to leave and move on. It’s like we are contstantly in these cycles of ups and downs.
I hate rowing in front of our son and don’t want him to grow up thinking that our toxic/cold relationship is normal.
We row a lot and they can be quite nasty then we will go on to have silences because I feel it’s easier.
He is super tidy and I feel has some sort of OCD. Everything has to be just so which is difficult to live with especially with a toddler. I constantly feel like I’m treading on eggshells around him. He likes to be in control. He is a high earner in a stressful job and pays for everything I should add and we live in a lovely house.
I feel like he puts me down all of the time. He calls me lazy and selfish. (I know I am not either of those things. Criticises the way I parent our son. He is charming to outsiders. People think he is lovely but he is Jeckyl and hide with me.
There is no physical harming but it’s more emotional. The other day I got back from work and it was valentines. We went speaking before I went away because the house wasn’t up to his perfectionist standards so we had a row. I left early the next morning and so we didn’t speak until I got home the following night.
He waited up for me to get home so we could eat. He hadn’t cooked but heated something up. I asked him why he had done this particular thing when he was doing something else that he had text me about in our way home. He told me I was ungrateful and thoughtless and to throw it in the bin. He said I don’t know how lucky I am.
He went to bed then sent me a text to say that I shouldn’t even attempt to go into our bed and sleep in the spare room. When I ignored him about an hour later and tried to get in. He used his feet to push me away until I left.
Sometimes I know my life would be easier if I didn’t row back but I don’t want him to think That he is walking all over me.
I’ve threatened to leave him but i know at the moment I have knowehere to go.
(That could change later on in the year as my mum is moving closer)
He’s not affectionate or loving towards me. Rarely cuddles or kisses me. We have sex about once a month. He’s not got a very low libido probably because work is so stressful.
I constantly have this feeling of loneliness and know I deserve more. I’m not material as a person I didn’t come from anything. It doesn’t bother me not having a lavish lifestyle I’d rather be happy.
I’m not needy either but I just crave a normal loving relationship and intamacy with someone.
I feel down more often than not with him but feel I cannot leave because of our son. I haven’t spoke to anyone about this. I have a mum and a sister although neither nearby but I suppose I don’t want to worry them and if I do it really means I have to confront the issues I’m facing. I have friends but also live far away and have a few new friends but I embarrassed by admitting the truth.
I’m a sociable, kind person who I know can have a future with my husband I’m just scared to take the leap. I feel my confidence has been affected, my motivation is lacking and I generally feel like muddle though each day.
We are at a crossroads at the moments as my husband would like another baby.
This is nigh on impossible as we don’t have sex enough and how can I bring another child into this environment? I would also like another baby for my son but certainly not with how things are.
We tried couples counselling recently which helped temporarily but things are back to how they were.
Any advice as my first step?