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Original poster

I think I’m overreacting

35 replies

GimmeHamburgers · 16/02/2018 07:41

I was cooking dinner last night with my DP and he was telling me how much he enjoyed the (ahem) romantic side of our relationship.

We are thinking of trying for a baby soon and I said things might calm down a bit if I got pregnant but that I enjoyed that side of things as well.

DP then said he would think about leaving me if I couldn’t have sex. He actually said ‘well then who would I have sex with?!’

This has shaken me a little bit, as if he can’t support me through pregnancy or even a disability without thinking firstly about his penis then he’s not the man I thought he was.

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 16/02/2018 07:45

Nope.

CryptoFascist · 16/02/2018 07:47

No you’re not overthinking it at all.
Please don’t try for a baby with him, he’s just told you he’d have an affair or leave you if you don’t want sex. This is not a man you want to rely on for anything. You should dump him tbh.

Hernameisdeborah · 16/02/2018 07:56

Wow. No you're not overreacting. What a thoughtless, selfish arse. Parenting involves lots of other sacrifices, how on earth would he cope with those if he can't even stand potentially having less sex than before? You also need someone who will stand by you as you both become parents. I would seriously reconsider whether he's the right person to start a family with.

namechangefailed · 16/02/2018 07:58

Nope. Get rid. Before he gets rid of you.

disappearingninepatch · 16/02/2018 08:02

Agree with above comments. Please don't have a baby with a man who is not committed to you.

madeyemoodysmum · 16/02/2018 08:06

I have to agree. It's normal for ax life to decrease o n arrival of baby if he can't handle that he isn't ready for a child.

I went from regular sex to now once a month currently. Dh would prefer more of course but he understands we are busy tired etc. He also works away a bit too which doesn't help

Burstingwithlife · 16/02/2018 08:10

Oh my days. I take it he wasn’t joking? That’s a really honest but selfish and unrealistic viewpoint he has. Do you feel you both want a baby as much as each other? If he ever wants kids he’s got to acknowledge the possibility sex may decrease for a while. I’m 35 weeks pregnant, still have sex with my dh but it’s slightly less free flowing. My sex drive goes up at the beginning and end bizarrely and slightly decreases in the middle but I think that’s more to do with feeling like a hippo lol. My dh has never complained or pressured me and regularly suggests we just cuddle so he doesn’t pressure me. You need to feel safe and secure in your relationship. The last thing you want is to feel pressured into having sex for fear of him cheating or leaving you.
Tell him how you feel and see how he responds. Good luck. If he maintains his manliness with his penis, then I’d definitely rethink. There is so much more to a good relationship than just sex x

ShatterResistant · 16/02/2018 08:15

From a different perspective:
It sounds like you were talking about sex- how great Sex is, how much you love sex, how great it is when you do it together, how much HE loves doing it with YOU. But then, BANG!! All of a sudden you’re talking about have a baby (a connected topic in your brain, but maybe not in his.) But he’s still talking about sex (because it’s hard to stop talking about it once you’ve started) and he blurts out an off-colour comment that sounds actually like it might have been in the spirit of the conversation, although it sounded really odd. Possible? It’s sensitive, but I do think you should stop to consider this, based on what kind of person he is generally.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 16/02/2018 08:18

And it's not just while you're pregnant that things might calm down - once you have a tiny baby, sleepless nights and a post birth body you're not going to feel much like indulging in the romantic side of things either.
What you need is a supportive, kind partner who's willing to put their own sexual needs aside as required while you both go through the process of raising a young child together.
If you want a family find someone else who's willing to be supportive.

Original poster
GimmeHamburgers · 16/02/2018 08:27

I don’t think he was joking. When he realised that I wasn’t laughing along with him (haha - of course I will have sex with you if I’m ill, pregnant or unable through disability Hmm) he started to try to change the subject and said that he wouldn’t mind if it was a ‘temporary’ situation.

I just feel that if I were to get pregnant, instead of enjoying the whole experience together, I would be constantly worrying about whether he would leave me.

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 16/02/2018 08:41

Oh as long as its only temporary, he can just about manage that. How big of him.Hmm
Babies do not just come along and cause a minor 'temporary' inconvenience ffs!!!! But as long as you are back worshipping his dick asap he should be fine. My god he sounds like a selfish tool. Think hard, op.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 16/02/2018 08:46

How long have you been together ok? Do either of you have children from other relationships?

user1493413286 · 16/02/2018 08:49

Maybe have another serious chat with him about it; me and DP couldn’t have sex for the last 3 months of my pregnancy due to complications and it takes a while to feel ready after so he needs to be understanding about that.

RoryAndLogan · 16/02/2018 09:05

Unless it was a complete joke, he's a dick and isn't committed to you.

Original poster
GimmeHamburgers · 16/02/2018 09:15

We’ve been together for 4 years.

Yes, I do need to think carefully about having a family with him. He’s admitted he is selfish and I’m not sure now how he would cope not being no 1 in my life.

OP posts:
Burstingwithlife · 16/02/2018 10:54

One thing I am very sure of OP. You sound really smart. I’ve had a child with a selfish tool (horrible experience) and I’ve had children with a selfless super guy dh and it’s a completely different experience. You deserve so much more and so do any kids you potentially have. I’m not sure a relationship built on mainly sex is the best kind. X

TheSockGoblin · 16/02/2018 11:02

Yea if his first reaction to the idea of having a baby was to be concerned about the amount of sex he might lose out on I don't think he's a good bet to have a baby with. What else will he resent sacrificing? Sleep? Time? Money? Attention? Babies need all these things.

Think really carefully before getting pregnant by him, from what you've said this is a prime situation to leave you a single parent - whether you are still in a relationship with him or not.

Bumshkawahwah · 16/02/2018 11:09

Never mind when you are pregnant....I have to say, bring sleep deprived, breastfeeding, hormonal and resentful of my husband - and actually he was a great dad, very hands on, but he got to go to work every day and eat and pee in peace - meant our sex life was well and truly in the back burner for a long time. Which isn't every mother's experience but can't be uncommon.

It is very worrying that his first response to having a baby is to talk about his sex life potentially suffering. I'd definitely be having second thoughts about having children with this man. he's already telling you how it will be.

mindutopia · 16/02/2018 11:12

If you genuinely think he wasn't joking - and frankly my dh and I make jokes about this sort of thing all the time, I'm currently 40 weeks pregnant with our 2nd - then yes, it does raise a red flag.

I think you genuinely need to sit down and talk about what having a child together would mean for your relationship. Your sex life doesn't just change because you're pregnant (if anything, that's the easy bit!). It changes a lot when you become parents. I think it's worth really talking that through with each other before you give any more thought to having children together. It's perfectly normal to have a sizeable drought during pregnancy and when parenting small children and you want to make sure you both know what to expect and also that you're comfortable with that (particularly that you won't now feel insecure or pressured to have sex).

My dh and I are about to have our 2nd baby any day. We haven't had sex once in either of my pregnancies. I tend to have a lot of bleeding in pregnancy and both times it just hasn't been worth it to us. I don't want to put my body through it and frankly it was anxiety producing for my dh as well because he knew how upsetting the bleeding has been for me. With our first, we also didn't have sex again until she was 7 months old due to a number of factors. I expect this time it may not be much sooner (primarily because our family is complete, I don't want to get pregnant again and I'm waiting to have my tubes tied and we have no interest in going back to using condoms, so abstaining is probably the most likely choice). It's been really important to have a partner who is on the same page and supportive of me putting myself and my body first and adjusting to new parenthood without worrying about the pressure to have sex or risk of an unplanned pregnancy. Even once you do get back to having sex, it's very, very different. I would say it was a good 2-3 years after our first was born before we were really back to what felt 'normal' for us pre-baby.

So definitely be realistic and sit down and talk about it. It may have been an off colour joke. My dh and I definitely make these about it as well and it may have just been what came out when he was unexpectedly confronted with something he hadn't really given much thought to before. But you're wise to hash it out now.

Original poster
GimmeHamburgers · 16/02/2018 19:35

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 16/02/2018 20:32

What was your plan for the two of you to maintain physical intimacy during pregancy/newborn stage?

000bourneFarm · 16/02/2018 20:50

Yes, I do need to think carefully about having a family with him.

No you don't. You know the answer already.

000bourneFarm · 16/02/2018 20:52

Hopefully not a material one NotTheFordType

Do you think they should have a 'sex budget'. Its not a commercial transaction you know.

Jellyheadbang · 16/02/2018 21:53

I became disabled through pregnancy and then had severe pnd and anxiety for a looooong time after. There was no sex to be had...

Mrstobe90 · 16/02/2018 21:56

You're not overreacting at all.

I gave birth on Saturday and had no sex drive throughout pregnancy.
My husband didn't mention it once and was really understanding and ridiculously loving.

That's the kind of man you should have kids with.