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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I’m overreacting

35 replies

GimmeHamburgers · 16/02/2018 07:41

I was cooking dinner last night with my DP and he was telling me how much he enjoyed the (ahem) romantic side of our relationship.

We are thinking of trying for a baby soon and I said things might calm down a bit if I got pregnant but that I enjoyed that side of things as well.

DP then said he would think about leaving me if I couldn’t have sex. He actually said ‘well then who would I have sex with?!’

This has shaken me a little bit, as if he can’t support me through pregnancy or even a disability without thinking firstly about his penis then he’s not the man I thought he was.

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:

Zoo33 · 16/02/2018 22:11

@Mrstobe90 Congratulations! (Sorry to hijack the thread, just needed to say that.)

@GimmeHamburgers I went off sex at about 5/6 weeks pregnant although I then lost my baby at 9 weeks. My now-ex complained bitterly as we'd had a very good sex life up until then but I started finding it painful. My miscarriage dragged on for months due to retained products and other issues and he complained. Whilst they said sex was fine as long as we used a condom, he didn't want to, but still complained. You can't win.

NotTheFordType · 16/02/2018 22:44

Zero whatever farm

Do you really think that women don't deserve physical intimacy because they are pregnant or breastfeeding?

Sex, or at least physical closeness, is the glue that binds marriages together, because otherwise you're just housemates.

000bourneFarm · 16/02/2018 23:03

I think you have missed the point of this thread NotTheFordType

LaLaLanded · 16/02/2018 23:09

Fuck that. He wants you to have a baby with him but still be Sexy Mc Sexface?

Pfft no. He needs to adjust his expectations. Consider if you want to go through pregnancy and post-partum with someone who has this belief system...

Historicallyinaccurate · 16/02/2018 23:17

Do you really think that women don't deserve physical intimacy because they are pregnant or breastfeeding?
Of course. But at the completely knackered stage with tiny DC there is the very great possibility of feeling 'touched out ' and just wanting your body to yourself. If dp can't handle this he's an arsehole. But you know a lot of men are arsehole ford. This sounds just like the kind of 'man' who'd be paying you a visit, with his shitty sex entitlement.
Op, if he sticks to his view of this, get rid and look for someone more supportive, who loves you more than his dick.

WellThisIsShit · 16/02/2018 23:23

Oh dear, that is a difficult conversation, far too revealing in a way, but of course, it’s better to know now than later, however upsetting.

Hermonie2016 · 16/02/2018 23:50

When someone tells you or shows you who they are believe them.Selfish behaviour destroys relationships as the balance gets altered when children appear and women are more vulnerable.

It would be horrendous to be pregnant yet feeling your P will look elsewhere.

He has revealed something that you can't unlearn.
Even my incredibly selfish ex didn't have a sex quota so you p is incredibly immature and self centred.

Aussiebean · 17/02/2018 07:42

When choosing a life partner I think it’s important to pick someone who is good in a crisis.

So think about what happens when you have a bad cold. Is he looking after you, bringing you food in bed and going out to get you medicine? Or is he complaining, expecting you to get out of bed and do stuff or making himself scarce?

You have had an awful day at work and need comfort , is he the one you ring because he makes you feel better? Or do you go elsewhere for that?

Can you trust him to be there for you because your new baby has been crying for three straight hours, you are struggling to breastfeed, you boobs are cracked and sore, it’s uncomfortable to sit down due to the stitches and you just need to sleep?

It took me 7 weeks to feel comfortable after my First was born. I was so worried, sore, struggling and my husband was amazing. It was a wonderful time as well as an incredibly stressful time. And I know other women who had it worse then me, while others had it better. You never know how it will be.

How do you think your dp will be? Think about the entire relationship. Not just this comment (although it is a massive indicator) do you trust him to be that unconditional support? Or will he be questioning you about when you are going to have sex with him again? Will he be complaining that the house is messy, that dinner isn’t cooked or ask when you are going to pay him attention again because all you ever talk about is the baby?

His past behaviour will be a good indicator of future behaviour.

S0ph1a · 17/02/2018 07:45

Excellent post aussiebean

Starlighter · 17/02/2018 11:43

Every woman should read what Aussiebean and follow it!

Pregnancy, the aftermath of labour and being a parent impacts massively on your sex life! He sounds naive at best and selfish and unsupportive at worst.

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