How can I forgive and forget

[Nutellafanatic89]

Last year my husband and I had the worst time in our relationship, I found out He was on a hookup site 6 months before we had a baby, confronted him 4 weeks after baby was born, he didn't meet anyone but their was dirty talk. When I confronted him he told me I was worthless cue more nasty names ext ext, at a time I needed his support physically and mentally he completely knocked me down, over the 7 months after confronting him, we kept arguing I put on a lot of weight through binge eating because of all the nasty things he said over that 7 month period (numerous arguments) my mental health suffered and depression kicked in, I was crying out for help and he ignored me, fast forward a month I went docs got depression diagnosed, told him and it was like something changed his attitude his voice, the way he looked at me, the first time in 10 months post baby he asked what he could do to help me, we started talking, opening up to one another again, he said nice things tells me he loves me makes time for family, we are working things out connecting together again working as a team but everytime I think or try to talk about 2017 I cry, and all the hurt comes back, will I ever be able to forgive and forget?

How long have you two been together/married?

9 years

Sorry together 9 married 3

Sorry but I don’t think it’s been long enough to call it a total change. Keep an eye on things and if he starts to turn you need to leave him. Your child can’t grow up seeing their mum treated like that. You can try to forgive for now, but don’t forget.

Thank you for your opinion, although I feel I'm in a better place it all still feels so raw, the first year of my baby's life is surrounded by so much unhappiness, all the milestones have a grey cloud

Well of course it still feels raw - it only just happened! Give yourself some time and don’t be hard on yourself about how you feel. It’s not your fault that any of this happened and it’s not your responsibility to make it all right again - that’s his job. Just take it one day at a time and concentrate on yourself and your baby.

Is this your first child together?

Sorry but I don’t think it’s been long enough to call it a total change. Keep an eye on things and if he starts to turn you need to leave him. Your child can’t grow up seeing their mum treated like that.

This x 50

FWIW he sounds awful and I think you /any woman deserves better so I am not surprised you are struggling to move past it

Has he told you what happened to him, why he behaved the way he did and what's changed now? I think you need some kind of explanation from him or you will always be walking on eggshells around him. He not only abandoned you, but treated you cruelly, when you needed him most. You need to have confidence that he's not going to do that again next time things get tough, otherwise how can you forgive and forget.

You can't just forgive and forget because he's deceived you, been cruel to you and because your feelings are important too.
If he's truly sorry, he'll respect your feelings, understand that you need time to heal, that what he's done can never be undone, and treat you right.
If he's not doing this, then he doesn't deserve you; you're worth more than that.

Sorry op, but I would put money on him still being on hookup/dating websites and making a better job of hiding it from you.
No advice on how you are supposed to forgive and forget someone who is supposed to love you treating you how disgustingly he treated you at your most vulnerable. I suppose you could suck it up and tell yourself you dont deserve better and wait for him to disrespect you over and over, because I fear that is exactly what this cheating wanker will do to you in the future.

My DAughters dad cheated - had full sex - with someone else whilst I was pregnant. I left and a year later we tried again, it lasted 1 month.
Some people can’t forgive or forget - I couldn’t. It doesn’t make you a bad person.
When I think back to my pregnancy & DD’s first year - it’s clouded with what he did - this is slowly leaving me now but it still hurts me to think of it.
However, if you want to save your marriage, maybe some relationship counselling? I think you need some real reasons as to what he did and why etc ...... has he actually come off the websites? Xx

Yes first child, he said it was a distraction (stress ext, bullshit blah blah) something to pass time, and obviously as time was going.on I was getting more pissed so I wasn't the most friendly when he was home, which led him to go on it more, he has come off the websites I believe him 100% on this occasion, it's just getting past everything said, and his reaction and the fact it had to take a complete break down for him to realise how damaged and broken I had become, I have no one irl to talk to thank you for letting me vent, I felt like I needed to talk to someone just dobi know I'm not mad for still feeling this shit about it all

A couple of questions just get a better understanding of things:

1. If you didn't have a child with him would you have left following his behaviour?
2. What do you want to come from all this? Are you still doubting the relationship? Do you feel better and more confident in your own skin or do you think you need him on a practical level?

Because here's the big rub - if he does this again in say one or two years it will bring all of this back.
So where are you with all this atm?

It’s not something I’d forgive and forget, he’s done it once and you’ve accepted it, what’s to stop him turning on you again, and going back on the hook up sites?

If I didn't have a child and we were not married I would have left
I feel better, recently started a diet all is going great with that
I'm worth more than everything he said and did he knows this I have told him
What I doubt is this turn around, I'm waiting for the verbal crap again
Before all of this we were good had our arguments but it was never that malicious and personal untill 2017

I pretty much had a year of constant verbal abuse it's sad to say but I just got used to it knowing it was going to be hostile all the time,

Could you survive solo? Putting the pain and emotional fallout aside for a minute, could you manage to live and support you and your child alone?

Yes

You can choose to forgive him; that is simply your choice. Remember though that you can never forget the way that he has treated you. You might spend the next 50 years with him, but there will be times when it will come back to you. The best you can hope for is for you to forgive him and then allow the pair of you to move on.

I wish you all the best for your future and that of your child.

I do love him, at one time we were best friends, maybe in time I will put it down to a bad time in our life, providing their is no more verbal abuse, if it happens again I will be gone, my child and myself deserve more, I work to hard at everything in my.life to deserve that all over again, my mental health will not withstand another round

His behaviour was abusive and I’d be wondering how long before it all happens again but if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt for now that’s up to you. You need to look after yourself right now, and that means self care, maybe counselling, boosting your self esteem and concentrating on your own wellbeing. Go out, meet friends, do whatever (within reason!) makes you happy. Don’t be reliant on him for your emotional well-being. If you can build yourself up you will be ready to kick him straight out if he ever tries this on again. And if he has really changed then it’s all good. Only time will tell.

So how do you find yourself here after 9 years? I'm sure this isn't the first time. What's keeping you there? How bad does it need to get before you leave? What constitutes now as 'verbal abuse'? If he tells you to piss off is that ok vs calling you a bitch?
I'm not saying just walk out the door - I abhor this attitude on MN that you can just walk out on someone with no fall out or consideration of the following practicalities but how do you feel about it?