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Original poster

Partner going on holiday with friend (and ex)

42 replies

Ronaldo73 · 15/02/2018 12:07

Hi there, my first post here and I was hoping for a female perspective on this. I have been feeling uncomfortable that my partner girlfriend of one year is going on a holiday with her male friend who is also her ex. They have been friends for a long time, since university (now in late-30s) and I know she has really loved him. She has been to a holiday with him last year too but this was only 2 months into our relationship and the trip had been booked before that so I had not thought anything of it at the time. About 7-8 months into our relationship her friend has taken her for a weekend to Spain (to his mother's house) and although this disturbed me a little I did not express any concerns until the end of the weekend because my calls and messages were not answered. I have spoken to my partner about her friend and she has told me that he is very special to her and that it is only a friendship that they have, although she did also say that he had confessed to her recently (6 months ago) that he had deliberately tried to end her previous relationship two-three years ago. When she mentioned the possibility of another holiday with her friend she asked if I would like to join them if the dates fit with my work holidays. I was delighted and expressed that I would love to join them. However, her friend has now booked for dates that don't suit my work holiday dates. My partner has not mentioned anything about it to her friend and is instead just excited to be going on holiday. I must say that I feel jealous but am trying to control it as I really dont want to come accross as possessive. My girlfriend is what some may call a free spirit and I don't want to limit her in any way and I want her to be happy. However, I also feel hurt as I see this as my partner having more consideration for her friend's feelings than mine. I appreciate they have been friends for a long time and I do trust her as she has always been totally open and sincere with me but I also worry that her friend may be wanting to jeopardise her relationship again or just test how much control he has over her. I am wondering if I am being unreasonable in all this- our relationship is otherwise fantastic and we both seem to want a long term commitment. It is just that if I was in the same position I would consider the feelings of my partner first, over my friend. But maybe I should not expect my partner to be the same... Many thanks for any perspective you may be able to offer....

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 15/02/2018 12:18

I (male) totally understand your reservations here. I think your DP is being pretty selfish in not challenging her friend on the dates so you can also go. Particularly as she had invited you and especially given their history.

Being a “free spirit” is often the kind way of saying “completely self centred” or at least that’s been my experience. Whether you trust her or not, or his motivations (or not!) she’s out of order here IMO.

Isitwinteryet · 15/02/2018 12:19

I'm female but I've not stayed close friends with any of my ex partners so it's not exactly the same, but I would find going on holiday with an ex a bit disrespectful to my partner.

AthenasOwl · 15/02/2018 12:26

Personally being friends with ex's is fine with me but I wouldn't be happy if my husband was off on holiday with his ex no matter how 'special' they were as a friend.
It's disrespectful to you and she's not prioritising your feelings.
His motives don't sound entirely innocent.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 15/02/2018 12:32

Their relationship sounds unhealthy. I would agree that it sounds like her intentions are innocent, and that he is testing her out. If she really loved him why did they split? Is he looking for something else but keeping her around just in case?

I doubt you have anything to worry about from her so I think you should let her know honestly you’re disappointed you couldn’t go this time and want to be included next time. I think you should also let her know that you think it’s weird he didn’t consult her about your availability and you’ll be questioning his motives (not hers) if he does it again since she obviously wants you there.

HarmlessChap · 15/02/2018 13:13

Sounds dodgy to me, if she really wanted you to go she would have told him when you both are available, he wouldn't have just booked dates without consulting her as she may not have been available herself. It sounds like he/they knew when you wouldn't be available but chose to book those dates.

Do you know if they kept sleeping together as a FWB arrangement after the relationship ended?

AthenasOwl · 15/02/2018 13:17

I agree with harmlesschap. If she wanted you there she would have made it possible for you to come along, but she's not protested at all.
It's up to her to set the boundaries here and she's not doing that.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/02/2018 13:39

I wouldn't like this at all and I'm female.
I can't imagine any partner of mine being OK with me going away with an Ex.
You need to decide if you want this as part of your relationship or not.
If not, then end it with her and find someone more suited to you and your outlook on life.

Felicitycity · 15/02/2018 13:43

I don't think UABU to be unhappy about it. Most people would be.

OrangeCarpet · 15/02/2018 13:56

I agree with PP who said she is not prioritising your feelings.
You can’t tell her she can’t go as that would be controlling but it doesn’t sound like you want to do this. But you can tell her how this is making you feel. You can tell her what your boundaries are in regards to how you will be treated within a relationship. But you need to be prepared that she might decide that she has different priorities and that you might have to end the relationship for your own happiness and self-esteem.

Buck3t · 15/02/2018 14:00

I'm what is known on here as a 'cool wife'. This is not cool. Sorry. Their relationship is not healthy and disrespectful to you.

Hope that helps.

murphys · 15/02/2018 14:10

I wouldn't be awfully pleased either OP.

Hissy · 15/02/2018 14:13

Let her go

then let her go... she's not right for you.

Snowydaysarehere · 15/02/2018 14:16

So she is having a holiday with an ex and you are left behind? Nice try lady.
Tell her not to come back.

cjferg · 15/02/2018 14:23

My DH was really good friends with his ex for ages after we got together - which was fine by me. They ended on good terms and I trusted them both.

Would have been very different if they went away together. Your feelings should come before his and I think it's disrespectful to you that she doesn't think that.

Sounds like her intentions are fine, but she is being really naive. He sounds like a slimy dick who wants you out the picture tbh.

You need to try and make her understand that you aren't comfortable with them going away together and that if she wants to be in a serious relationship with you she has a choice to make.

Original poster
Ronaldo73 · 15/02/2018 14:30

Thank you so much for the responses - I honestly did not expect this much clarity. I think I will talk to her about what she thinks about the holiday and why she has not talked to her friend about the dates. She is taking me for a short holiday straight after they return from this 2 week holiday in Cuba (I took her on a long holiday last) but I really want to know what her priorities are. I had not thought about the possibility of her actually not wanting her friend to change the dates...I don't think she would think like that but I guess it is possible since she has not challenged the dates that her friend booked... She has said however that she would cancel the holiday if it upsets me but that this would make her friend upset. I categorically said that she should not cancel it but that was all... I will talk to her more about it and how it makes me feel.. thank you again to all posters

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/02/2018 14:31

I don’t think he’s that much of an ex, sorry.
Wanting a long term commitment and being a free spirit are not quite compatible. Perhaps she was mirroring your perspective to be agreeable to you? However, actions speak louder than words: imho, she has not been entirely sincere with you.
Your relationship is a little bit crowded.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/02/2018 15:19

Blimey, I missed it being a 2 week long haul holiday.
City break, not so bad. 2 weeks. No way!

forumdonkey · 15/02/2018 16:31

If the feelings of her ex are more important than your feelings, then you have your answer and who is her priority.

GeorgeTheHippo · 15/02/2018 16:36

2 weeks?!?!

No that's definitely not ok.

Hissy · 15/02/2018 17:53

Her friend is NOT a friend of your relationship

He has form for trying to split her relationships up... and she still trots off with him without making absolutely sure you’re ok and know it’s all good?

Perhaps her attitude shows that there’s nothing from her side??? But you need to be honest with her

She either will or will not cheat, she can say no and she’s an adult

But I would want to spend precious holiday time with my lover over a friend

dirtybadger · 15/02/2018 17:59

I would be a bit hurt by DP taking half their annual leave to holiday with a mate, let alone an ex. We are both friends with ex's, but this is weird. Your DP may realise that (hence inviting you). If I invited a male friend on holiday I would basically insist their DP came (or mine) so that everyones mind was at ease, even if it was 100% innocent. Who honestly would think that this wouldnt be problematic (even with good intentions)?

trappedinsuburbia · 15/02/2018 18:11

Yes she should definitely cancel !!

SundaysFunday · 15/02/2018 18:28

This is not ok, would be a deal breaker for me.

Windowgazer123 · 15/02/2018 19:03

If a male friend of mine confessed that he tried to end my previous 2 relationships I would be very suspicious of any future 'friendship' and generally unimpressed.
I would only stay friends if I knew they would be 'friends' with my new partner and make an active effort to embrace us as a couple.
I won't think much of someone trying to get me on my own for a 2 wk break that excludes my boyfriend after that. Unless of course, I loved the attention and wanted it all that way.

Original poster
Ronaldo73 · 15/02/2018 20:05

I have actually talked to my girlfriend and she apologised profusely about not thinking carefully when accepting the trip, about dates, about being self centred (her words). She said that she is upset with her friend for putting her in this position and that she should have broken off this friendship before. She said her priority is me and our relationship and she seems really upset at her friend. I said that she does not have to break off the friendship but instead make her priorities clear to her friend (and to me for that matter). I would not like her to cancel the trip two reassons. I would feel bad that I constrained her from going somewhere and I am still wondering why she has said all of this and is suddenly upset at her friend only when I raised it as an issue. Well, I guess it is what it is. It is becoming clear to me that this is a bigger/deeper problem than I thought it would be.. some thinking to do for both of us...

OP posts:
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