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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner going on holiday with friend (and ex)

42 replies

Ronaldo73 · 15/02/2018 12:07

Hi there, my first post here and I was hoping for a female perspective on this. I have been feeling uncomfortable that my partner girlfriend of one year is going on a holiday with her male friend who is also her ex. They have been friends for a long time, since university (now in late-30s) and I know she has really loved him. She has been to a holiday with him last year too but this was only 2 months into our relationship and the trip had been booked before that so I had not thought anything of it at the time. About 7-8 months into our relationship her friend has taken her for a weekend to Spain (to his mother's house) and although this disturbed me a little I did not express any concerns until the end of the weekend because my calls and messages were not answered. I have spoken to my partner about her friend and she has told me that he is very special to her and that it is only a friendship that they have, although she did also say that he had confessed to her recently (6 months ago) that he had deliberately tried to end her previous relationship two-three years ago. When she mentioned the possibility of another holiday with her friend she asked if I would like to join them if the dates fit with my work holidays. I was delighted and expressed that I would love to join them. However, her friend has now booked for dates that don't suit my work holiday dates. My partner has not mentioned anything about it to her friend and is instead just excited to be going on holiday. I must say that I feel jealous but am trying to control it as I really dont want to come accross as possessive. My girlfriend is what some may call a free spirit and I don't want to limit her in any way and I want her to be happy. However, I also feel hurt as I see this as my partner having more consideration for her friend's feelings than mine. I appreciate they have been friends for a long time and I do trust her as she has always been totally open and sincere with me but I also worry that her friend may be wanting to jeopardise her relationship again or just test how much control he has over her. I am wondering if I am being unreasonable in all this- our relationship is otherwise fantastic and we both seem to want a long term commitment. It is just that if I was in the same position I would consider the feelings of my partner first, over my friend. But maybe I should not expect my partner to be the same... Many thanks for any perspective you may be able to offer....

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2018 09:21

Well I do hope you've given her something to thinks about.
This is just not right.
Did she say how she would feel if you were doing something similar?
Would she comfortable with you going away on a long haul holiday for 2 weeks with an ExGF?
She should cancel this holiday. She really should.

HarmlessChap · 17/02/2018 01:29

She should cancel this holiday. She really should.

Agreed, there should be no question iMO.

OP I fear that you are being played here! Do make sure that she doesn't manipulate the situation so that you feel that she must go or you will feel guilty that she has cancelled.

Its not OK to go off with ex partners for long periods especially when they have tried to sabotage previous relationships. She needs to cancel this you have no reason to feel guilty if (when) she does.

Jon66 · 17/02/2018 01:42

You are being played by the sound of it.

Terfinater · 17/02/2018 03:58

Two week holiday with an ex? No way does any adult women think this is normal or acceptable.

And why is she upset with him for putting her in this position? She doesn't have a right to be upset with him, she could have said No.This would be her third holiday with him despite him blatantly saying he'd tried to end her previous relationship. So he's interested in her, she knows this and is ok with this.

I'm sorry to say I really don't think this relationship between them is innocent at all.

cloudclock · 17/02/2018 04:48

Sorry OP but you are being massively mugged off. 2 weeks with an ex? No way! Personally, I think if you don't have kids with an ex, there if very little point staying friends/or even in touch with them. It only impacts on future relationships, like it's doing to you. Her ex sounds like a manipulator and she sounds naive at best.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 17/02/2018 05:22

I think it depends entirely on your relationship.

My husband has female friends, I have zero issue with him seeing them or staying with them, including a 2 week trip to the US with one. He is good friends with some of his exes - one even did a reading at our wedding!!

Equally he has no issue with me having male friends and didn't bat an eyelid at me sharing a hotel room with a male friend of mine on a get together that he didn't join me on just 3 weeks after we got married. I'm also going away with the aforementioned friend in the spring, again, without my husband.

We have no trust issues in our relationship, we trust each other implicitly and it's never been an issue. MN has definitely given me a new appreciation for my husband, that's for sure!

To the OP - I think you've handled this situation well and I'd be interested to see how this pans out.

To those saying that she's essentially having her cake and eating it, don't forget OP hasn't expressed any concerns until now.

Re: the dates, I wonder if it's a house that is a holiday let and the friend (and son of the owner who I assume probably isn't paying to stay there) is just given the dates it's not booked for.

princesssparkle1 · 17/02/2018 05:44

She's a very clever lady.

Wake up and see how she's playing you.

Wallywobbles · 17/02/2018 06:03

I've had v close male friends who I've shared beds with etc. But when I was in a relationship I was the one that was uncomfortable with the idea of doing it. It didn't require my DP to point it out.

Happygolucky009 · 17/02/2018 06:21

Exactly orange I went on holiday with my ex when I first got together with my db/dh but I never did it again as i needed to prioritize my relationship and I knew that going away with an ex had put that ahead of my db/dh so never wanted to do it again. The fact your girlfriend is putting her ex ahead of you for me would be very upsetting and you call it free spirit, I call it being inconsiderate for your feelings and if this is what she is like at the start of a new relationship, what will happen if it lasts and what will it take for her to put you first?

Cleavergreene · 17/02/2018 06:47

She’s taking them piss OP. Fuck her friends feelings tbh. If she wanted you there she’s arrange mutually acceptable dates for all parties.

I’ve gotta say, if your gf didn’t think about your feelings to that extent, is this person really the one you want to be with? She sounds selfish tbh. Or maybe self centred. Or maybe just unaware of what acceptable boundaries are.

Angelf1sh · 17/02/2018 06:49

Generally I dislike posts that think a partner is being unreasonable for having an ex as a friend, but here I think you’ve acted pretty reasonably. She knew you wanted to come on the holiday and then knew the friend booked dates you couldn’t do so either a) she didn’t pass on your dates or b) she didn’t object to the friend deliberately using others. Either way that’s a problem. It’s also a problem that she’s seemingly only upset about it after you’ve challenged it, which feels dry much like she’s deflecting blame to him.

I don’t know if they’re together, none of us do. I’d guess not purely because you’re not married and if she really didn’t want to be with you she could easily just dump you. My sense is that it’s the friend who is behind it and wants her back and she’s just incredibly self-absorbed (as a pp said “free-spirits” generally are) and doesn’t give the slightest consideration as to how her actions impact upon others. Whichever situation it is, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with her.

Lastly, if she’s genuinely upset now that she’s realised it’s hurt you, she doesn’t have to cancel the holiday, it would only cost a couple of hundred pounds at the most to change the dates (which frankly the friend should pay if he booked the wrong dates in the first place).

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 17/02/2018 09:36

How is this thread still going? OP had a problem, discussed it openly with his DP, and they resolved it. Problem solved, MN! It’s rare but it does happen...

yetmorecrap · 17/02/2018 09:58

I have known2 people in life who would self describe as ‘free spirits’ both were self centred nut jobs !! It’s not on OP, it’s bang out of order

Original poster

Ronaldo73 · 18/02/2018 18:20

Thank you All, and a twist to the story! It transpired yesterday that another (mutual friend to both from university) female friend is joining them on the holiday now. Not sure what to think of this now as it means my girlfriend's male friend was surely able to adjust the original booking (he is booking the holiday and paying for the hotels). I guess I am more relaxed about the trip now but still have some reflecting to do about my girlfriend's actions...

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 18/02/2018 18:57

You can't see the obvious OP. I bet they both laugh behind your back at how naive you are.

The friend coming along is just to placate you.

See how things can be done for the friend and not you?
That's because they don't want you on the trip. and you're the only one who can't see it.

ThePinkOcelot · 18/02/2018 19:06

She’s taking the piss big time OP. She should definitely cancel. I honestly don’t know anyone who would be okay with this!

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 18/02/2018 21:46

But it’s the dates that were the issue, no? I imagine it’s easier to add a person than to rearrange dates. And I guess this is because your gf saw it was inappropriate just the two of them so I think you should be happy about this.

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