How to avoid an emotional affair

[Learnfromme]

I debated posting this as know I haven't covered myself in glory, but decided to post it anyway as about a month ago I managed to untangle myself from an emotional affair and want others to learn from my painful experience.

This is what I wish I'd known two years ago to stop the slippery slope, for it was a slow process and I didn't realise how bad it was until I was in deep and lost my primary relationship and ended up deeply hurt (the OM rejected me too in the end, I think I was more appealing when in a relationship). So please be kind at what probably sounds like common sense to you ...

1. Watch contact online. This was how it started. A short conversation here, messages that weren't really important to send there. It wasn't the messages that mattered, it was how happy I felt to get them.

1. Be careful about meeting alone. At first is was above board - just the odd coffee - but at some point we started meeting all the time and for drinks and long lunches and the conversations became more and more intense. Especially if alcohol is involved. Especially if you start thinking about what you will wear days in advance.

1. Sharing yourself. This was where it really opened me up to hurt and distraction - we told too many secrets to each other about our lives and our life experiences. This was where is passed the point of no return for me as I lived the cliche and felt like OM understood me better than XDH.

1. Read Shirley Glass. I have read it since and wish I'd read it earlier.

1. Don't let yourself be too flattered.

1. Read about limerance. I knew at the time I had this, but that wasn't until it was too late for me.

1. It doesn't have to be two way to do you damage. I'll never know to this day whether my situation was being led on/narc supply/old fashioned unrequited love, but I spent a long time confused and unsure and getting affirmation then getting hurt and then in the end it not leading to anything. It doesn't have to be reciprocated to cause your primary relationship untold damage.

1. Listen to your friends. They spotted it long before I did. Listen to your instinct when you do things with the other person and find yourself not telling anyone because you know they would not approve.

I hope in reading this I can help at least one person, because I never thought I'd be in this place.

Does anyone else have any tips?

Is it an affair of any kind if its unrequited? Isn't that limerance/having a crush on someone?

Ver sound advice. Someone once said to me that after the age of 30, all of the most important lessons they had learned were from their foul ups. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Was he also in a relationship at the time?

Gd on u for posting and giving others advice to spot the signs x

Thank you for posting.Our marriage is strong and and I've healed but it took years after the fall out of DHs EA .Whilst immediately very remorseful about the amount of hurt caused all round,not least for the other persons partner who found out.Their relationship blew apart apparently.It took DH a while to recognise it was an affair as they hadn't had a physical relationship.I will always regard it as an affair,but have eventually moved on and forgiven because a) were all human and can make mistakes and as you highlight so well it's a slippery slope b) he initiated counselling and wanted to understand why this and happened to us.No 8 particularly resonates.Not telling anyone because you know they won't approve.I was always very relaxed about DHs female friends,this time was different -I knew of her as a vague acquaintance through work,as did her partner.But absolutely no idea of the huge amount of contact,and amount of messaging.Basically they lied by ommision.I think most know the signs,and choose to ignore them thinking they are fully in control and will pull back or stop,but before they know it are too emotionally invested to do that.But still thank you as it could be just the wakeup call someone needs today.

Fair play to you for posting

Yeah, hats off to ya, hopefully someone will read and wake up!

Well done hun for posting x

I hope your XDH is in a better place as you also seem to be.

You are so right hun about the 'doesn't have to be reciprocated'. In my case its my DH and not me that went down that slope (and I am told it
was one sided) and whilst I still care a lot, I can never ever feel quite the same 'special' bond, simply because he forgot to get rid of his 'written' evidence. I do know its a very easy thing to 'creep up' and grow. I don't think with these EAs its usually bad people setting out to cause a shitstorm, its often good people being caught out at a point they feel vulnerable and in need of an ego boost, validation or sometimes an escape from a crap marriage. I wish you luckX

I would only say that you have to keep your lines of communication open with your partner, and tell the truth. Yes, it can be exciting, yes, your partner would not approve. But after all, that's what Shirley Glass said in her book. If you cannot tell your partner about it, surely that is the most obvious sign that something is not right about it. We partners may not be perfect, but to find out about it somewhere down the line is far worse. There is no coming back from that in my opinion.

Speaking as someone at the top of the slope wearing smooth soled shoes and with a can of WD40 in each hand, I'm glad you posted. Yeah, some of the things I've done lately and how I've kidded myself...... not good.

Especially if you start thinking about what you will wear days in advance. Been there, seen it, done it...... spent hours agonising over the t-shirt.

Good post. It resonates well.

I am the DH who caught his wife having an EA and am in the stages of recovery. FWIW.. I will post my experiences.

The greatest pain is the complete loss of trust in my wife. Loss of trust in the stability of my marriage. The loss of trust in the stability of my family.

On the physical side.. I have lost a lot of sleep over this. I have lost a lot of weight by stressing over what happened.

I also feel like I lost a spouse I thought I knew really well. And I also feel like I lost myself and don't know who I really am anymore.

Mm2one. That’s exactly how I feel

mm2one I know how you feel. I've list the sure love and trust if a 27year relationship and a marriage of 22 years.
I'm trying to stay and make it work, but it's very difficult.
I hope anyone about to embark on the cheap titillation of an affair realises the hurt that they will cause.

Hi@Learnfromme

Your advise is what I've read about Affairs over the last 18 months.

I wonder, had your AP not dumped you, would you have come through your Limerence naturally as in seen the error of your ways?

Lost and of, this new Kindle auto-changes words; I've got to learn how to turn that function off!

OP, @Learnfromme

Why did your DH leave you? Was it just the EA and he couldn't get over it or were there other problems in the marriage?

Thanks OP. Your points are valid and it’s easy to see how quickly one can head down the slippery slope.From the other side as a betrayed wife (husband had a brief PA after months of workplace flirting) my points would be..

1. If it feels wrong, it is. If your gut is screaming at you, don’t ignore it. If you do, it will only get worse.
2. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I had no interest in being friends or social media buddies with his assistant. Never again. If she had had a peak into my life and mine into hers she may have had second thoughts about pursuing him. My H said he never spoke badly of me, he just never spoke of me at all. Like I didn’t exist. Almost more damaging.
3. Never accept something you don’t want too in order to not cause a fuss. I didn’t like that he dropped her home one night- I should have laid the law down there and then about what was acceptable and what wasn’t but I let him fob me off with his denial.
4. The more I felt uncomfortable the more I distanced myself from his work. I stopped visiting as If i was prying in on THEIR secret. Seems insane now.
5. Communicate. Harder than it seems especially if one of you is useless at it. I tried and tried to get him to talk to me. I tried to tell him how I felt (anxiety) but it fell on deaf ears.

In the end I caught them and the damage was done.

I wouldn’t wish infidelity on anyone. I know it happens all the time but it is devasting. Our whole family and friend dynamic has been altered because of his selfishness.

Mine too Betty, especially liked what you said about don’t be embarrassed to make a fuss if it feels off, He felt I was making a fuss about him going over the road all the time, after all this persons mother and sister were there, and so I chilled out on it, little did I know it was a massive crush/ea and he was getting a buzz just ‘seeing her’ .

Some really good advice on here from both sides.

BettyBoo33
You say I wouldn’t wish infidelity on anyone
I do. I hope it happens to OW. I hope her DH does it to her.

True Gertie. OW was young, single, still lives with her parents, no idea what the real world is about..no responsibilities..one of the Instagram generation where instant gratification and entitlement are part of their DNA (of course I’m generalising here but for her it rings true) the truth is she has few friends, mental health issues, a quite sad and lonely existence.H dropped her the day I found out like a bag of shit. There was no choosing between us, no secret I loves you. It was attention for her and an ego boost for him, though I’m sure she had feelings for him..don’t we all think it's love at 20? What a kick in the teeth that must have been for her when the fantasy burst and again she was a nobody with noone.Ha. Karma comes around, even if it takes years. She’ll get more than her share I’m sure. As will the OW in your case. They always do.

have you stayed betty? My situation was similar, 21 year old, at home, but not lonely or sad though. In my case I found 15 months ago a load of stuff he had written about his obsession 11 years after the events (although it went on for several years) , so its a pretty unusual situation. As you say though, it can alter everything, whether sexual or not. certainly made me realise I was way too trusting and that inside every 'nice guy' can be a total dick if the timing is right or they are feeling down etc .

@betty my predicament was oh so similar. XDH chose to leave. It is so fresh right about now.

Geri He will regret that. I know that’s no consolation to you know though 💐

Betty OW here 20 years younger but also married. She was obsessed with him for years, looking back it was obvious. He was weak, eventually.

I am still here. 16 months out. Four or five times I’ve told him I’m done in that time.It’s been the hardest year, an emotional hell, but also a huge learning curve. It’s coming on for 3 years of living unhappily if I include the place we were in before he cheated. I’m ready to move on. As they say, let it hurt, then let it go. Don’t get me wrong, I think of it every day. But I know what is healthy and what is not. Obsessing over OW is not. Going on infidelity support forums every day is not. Everything has to happen in your own time. Thinhs will never be exactly the same again. More practical, less fantasy. No happy ever after but the reality that life is not black and white and shit well and truly happens. I’ve been through a lot in my life and this was the next thing. I’ve always been strong and carried on and I choose to do that now. I love him. He loves me. We have 3 children. This may not be forever but for now I am happy in my choice to stay. Had he loved her or left me I would not be writing this and my heart goes out to you Geri and anyone else who has been left for OW. I know I will be fine if we part. It really has shattered not just us but our relationships with family and friends too. I took my rings off a year ago and never put them back on. He will never fool me like that again and I will walk away if I ever get that gut feeling that something is not right.

MrsAshwell, this description made me howl with laughter: “Speaking as someone at the top of the slope wearing smooth soled shoes and with a can of WD40 in each hand...”. Exactly my position too, so I guess it’s actually not that funny, it was just the way you wrote it.

Learnfromme, thanks for posting, I will indeed try to learn from you.