How to avoid an emotional affair

[Learnfromme]

I debated posting this as know I haven't covered myself in glory, but decided to post it anyway as about a month ago I managed to untangle myself from an emotional affair and want others to learn from my painful experience.

This is what I wish I'd known two years ago to stop the slippery slope, for it was a slow process and I didn't realise how bad it was until I was in deep and lost my primary relationship and ended up deeply hurt (the OM rejected me too in the end, I think I was more appealing when in a relationship). So please be kind at what probably sounds like common sense to you ...

1. Watch contact online. This was how it started. A short conversation here, messages that weren't really important to send there. It wasn't the messages that mattered, it was how happy I felt to get them.

1. Be careful about meeting alone. At first is was above board - just the odd coffee - but at some point we started meeting all the time and for drinks and long lunches and the conversations became more and more intense. Especially if alcohol is involved. Especially if you start thinking about what you will wear days in advance.

1. Sharing yourself. This was where it really opened me up to hurt and distraction - we told too many secrets to each other about our lives and our life experiences. This was where is passed the point of no return for me as I lived the cliche and felt like OM understood me better than XDH.

1. Read Shirley Glass. I have read it since and wish I'd read it earlier.

1. Don't let yourself be too flattered.

1. Read about limerance. I knew at the time I had this, but that wasn't until it was too late for me.

1. It doesn't have to be two way to do you damage. I'll never know to this day whether my situation was being led on/narc supply/old fashioned unrequited love, but I spent a long time confused and unsure and getting affirmation then getting hurt and then in the end it not leading to anything. It doesn't have to be reciprocated to cause your primary relationship untold damage.

1. Listen to your friends. They spotted it long before I did. Listen to your instinct when you do things with the other person and find yourself not telling anyone because you know they would not approve.

I hope in reading this I can help at least one person, because I never thought I'd be in this place.

Does anyone else have any tips?

I am a tad concerned that I might be on the cusps too. Not sure how to teeter away from the edge... This has been insightful, thank you for sharing

I had to cut the person out of my life completely. It was the only way I could get over them. Although contact had reduced, my head was too full of them in the in between times. Best decision I could have made. It was never going to go anywhere so I was better off moving on.

Thanks for posting this. I'm terrified because I think I am limerent for a colleague whom I've become close to. We used to be very flirty (which was actually making my feelings for him worse, although he has since said his feelings for me are platonic and that he sees me like a sister.. I think because people were asking if he had feelings for me), we've had quite a few deep conversations but recently he's acting distant and weird which is only prolonging my agony. I want to move on because I love my DP and don't want to ruin my relationship. I think that could be why said colleague is distancing himself because this is heading towards disaster, isn't it. Agh I just feel so lost. But your post has helped me

When you know 'affair chemicals' are involved, it kinda bursts the bubble? It's like finding out Magic isn't real and the magician isn't really sawing the lady in half.

http://brainworldmagazine.com/flame-addiction-neuroscience-infidelity/

Affairs are all about emotion - people often think they are all about sex - No! It is the attention, it is the being valued, it is the feeling of being wanted . An emotional affair consists of all of that - it is the daily talking and the discussion of what is going on in life - the exchange of normalities . I often think that if people/women/partner were to read the daily messages sent in an EA ( or full affair ) they would actually be more damaging that the idea of sex . It is easy to rationalise " well he wanted sex ", "she offered it on a plate " etc but what about the rest ? He checks in for the day and may not even mention sex at all ! An EA is far more damaging than a purely sex affair - combine it with amazing sex though and then there is trouble. The other problem with an EA ( or full) is that it does NOT necessarily stop once the affair is over - in fact it may become even more of a thing . The best thing is to avoid, avoid, avoid.

Thanks for posting

I'm married but have been chatting to someone I met via fb with connection to area.

He wanted to meet but no way. He has no ties. It feels almost stalkerish and I've had to log out of fb etc as he kept ringing or messaging or that stupid video thing which I hated and refused to answer. I've only spoken once on phone.

It was very flattering as I felt past it and my marriage was floundering. In some ways it made me determined to make my marriage work and my dh has been more attentive. I feel more assertive.

Yes it is the emotional aspect and the validation I craved. It made me feel like a teenager

When life gets a bit Groundhog Day, it can be intoxicating getting those messages in etc , it adds a buzz to daily grind and in some cases (I think this was the case with H, it deflects from other shit going on in life) don’t go there, someone usually gets hurt badly at some point !! As someone else said , personally I find it just as much if not more of a betrayal than plain sex

Thanks Margie

It isn't funny, is it? But if I can keep the image in someone's mind and stop them getting into a slippery situation, that'll make me happier.

I think the real challenge is to avoid minimising what’s happening - as if - as long as you can keep this one contact/message/meeting secret - you’ll have had your fix and it’s no big deal.
Where your mind should be is the potential it has to up end you life.
If you have children then you need to wonder whether the highs from the affair will seem worth it when the consequences will be divorce: damaging their security in their family, and being divided between parents for every birthday, every Christmas, and every family get together. Even when divorce is the right path - these things make it hard. When it is just to service some attention and excitement in your life it is not just stupid but selfish and callous.

Bump, great thread, quite a few recent posters might find this interesting.

I work in a very male orientated environment and often spend extended time one to one with male colleagues in what could be seen as being in a high emotional state, at times in dangerous situations. I have to trust this colleague to have my back and I to a degree his. I have never had an emotional affair, because I do not allow those feelings to develop.

@Sausage101
Thanks yes this thread has helped me

I have a thread about this in Relationships

Thanks for this.
I have been on the cusp of something with a married man and it has been intoxicating getting all the messages and sneaking away to chat.
We are both married with children and I'm going to walk away now before anyone gets hurt.
This post has been really helpful.

The lies we tell they only serve to fool ourselves.

Every thing you’ve written makes you sound like the unwitting victim, you weren’t. You made a series of poor choices and continued to do so even when it was bloody obvious to your friends. Limerence is now used to explain away ‘having your cake’. Funny how men are cheating arseholes and women ‘suffer’ from ‘limerence’.

The truth is, you were in the market for an ego stroke and you got exactly that.

I'm currently having an online affair.

Emotional and sexual, altho not physical.

All that stuff happened as described by the first poster. And neither of us can walk away.

This isn't limerance and it was a choice. I choose every day to keep this going. It takes work and effort and heart ache and could blow my real life apart. But i still do it.

So I ended my little EA affair this morning and it is taking all my resolve not to start it back up again.
Please tell me it's the right or was there no harm in it.
I actually feel like I miss him or the experience !

It's too late for me - I'm in love with him.

OhCarrieMathison end it now or face the consequences of making life difficult for yourself.

@OhCarrieMathison the advice I've read (not had an EA myself) is to treat it like a drug withdrawl, the chemicals from the messages and exchanges will die down as contact ceases. Fill time with hobbies, walks, music when you want the feeling or want to think about them. Probably easier said than done but just keep going.

Posted on similar thread. Avoid at all costs. You spend your life convincing yourself it's ok to sit around waiting hear from them. Not good for you! Once your hooked you will be dying inside with noone to confide in due to the secret nature of these things.

Thanks Virtually and sausage. Just need to try and stop thinking about him. It feels a physical ache.
It felt such an intense connection.

Abi this is spot on, it was so so secretive. I wanted to tell people but knew it sounded wrong.
It was so cliched, talking in car parks. Him telling me his wife is a awful and won't sleep with him. Only staying for the kids.
It felt like being a teen who was pursued.

They all say that about the wife and kids and you might be one of many. It feels special because of the secrecy and because it's all about you two sharing this, there's no real life, no talking about bills or blah blah. Try to put the pin in the bubble by thinking stuff like that.

Good luck carrie

I see posts about emotional affairs a lot but I have no idea what they are/amount too. Can anyone explain simply?