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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic abuse. How many times did you leave.

35 replies

Fightingthrough · 14/02/2018 20:31

Firstly I would like to thank you guys for giving me great advice in the past.

There are two weeks since I threw my abusive ex out. I know I did the right thing by doing so. But today I have had a wobble.

I ended my relationship with him five times, and five times he found his way back into my life. And each time the abuse got worse. With the last time ending in him threatening me with a knife. He said to me that he had nothing to loose, and he admitted to the fact that he didn't know what he was going to do to me with that knife.
This has all left me wondering if it's me, and if I bring out the worst in men, seeing this is not my first abusive partner.
I am having counselling through my work and I realise I have a lot of homework to do when it comes to men.

Those of you who have come out of such volatile relationships, how many times did you leave? And if you went back, why did you go back?

What promises did your partner make in order for you to resume with the relationship?

My ex was and still is very good at owning up, but also making me feel responsible and it was always me that was in the wrong, and sometimes I would believe that I was responsible.

How are you coping today?

OP posts:
Confused24 · 14/02/2018 21:09

I haven’t been in your situation but my line of work involves victims of domestic violence and the support available. Have you approached any charities in your area or local groups? I strongly recommend approaching one if you haven’t already as they can help support you when you have a wobble. They can also offer professional and practical advice. Never blame yourself. He is not the victim in this so never ever feel sorry for him or make excuses for him. You are not to blame Flowers

Original poster
Fightingthrough · 14/02/2018 21:40

Confused24 thank you for the advice, I have contacted my local WA and my work has been great too.

OP posts:
Rubyslippers7780 · 14/02/2018 21:44

Most women leave 5-10 times before they actually get free. This is the most dangerous time as the violence usually escalates as 'they have nothing to loose'.
Please contact WA. It is definitely not you. He is violent man, NOTHING you do or say will change him. Don't take him back. Be free.

Dragongirl10 · 14/02/2018 21:46

Hi op, l have not been in your situation, but once many, many years ago l had a boyfriend hit me completely out of the blue.
Despite the fact l loved him very much, he was dead to me from that minute on, the relationship stopped for me immediately and l felt absolute fury that he dared to hit me.

This is because he crossed my boundary of what is acceptable behaviour. In my world no one hits their partner ever, under any circumstances.

I called the police, told his family, told all our friends immediately. I felt no guilt as l had done nothing to deserve to be hit, he was entirely responsible. Your DP is entirely responsible, you have nothing to do with his actions.

I believe this is a normal response to violence and even if it were my lovely DH of many years would feel the same.

I am so very sorry you have been treated so appallingly and it is never your fault, but l am so glad to hear you want to stop this situation repeating itself.

You have to put yourself first in any future relationship, not to be selfish but because you value yourself and your right to be treated well. That should be the starting point.

Counselling is a good idea to strengthen your self esteem and get to the bottom of why you went back to this violent behaviour.

Oh and NEVER give a second chance, if they feel they can hit you once they can do it again, find a better man.

Assburgers · 14/02/2018 22:02

4 or 5. I went back because I felt sorry for him. Or maybe more ‘responsible’ for him. Like it was my fault, and I could fix it, like I always did.

I’m 10 years out of it now & can see it for what it was. I no longer feel responsible for him. I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire Smile

Queenoftheblitz · 14/02/2018 22:08

At least 20 times.
he was very persistent and persuasive in winning me back - promises it wouldnt happen again, making me feel sorry for him.
And yes the violence did escalate.
They can never respect you for taking them back. They think you're weak.
So you can never win.

Dragongirl10 · 14/02/2018 22:12

QUEEN....i am really just curious, were you not so angry with him when he first hit you? not to mention scared of him?....please don't think l am criticising l am absolutely not just genuinely interested.

Original poster
Fightingthrough · 14/02/2018 22:17

I am never going to take him back, but I would likeb to understand their behavior and why they seek to control, and by getting to the root of it, I then maybe able to grasp why they pick me out. I am very independent, strong and resilient, but empathetic and kind. I took him back before, because he reeled his way back by claiming how amazing we were how amazing I was, how I made him happy and the list goes on and on,

OP posts:
Queenoftheblitz · 14/02/2018 22:18

Dragon I was angry, scared and shocked. The shock never disappeared.
I kept seeing each incident in isolation rather than seeing it as a pattern of behaviour.
We didn't live together so it was easier to get him out of my life.
To him it was a game to win me back each time - he loved the chase.
I became mentally weak because of all his gaslighting and this made me more vulnerable to his pleading.

Original poster
Fightingthrough · 14/02/2018 22:19

Queen, i am sorry for what you been through. I hope you have left for good now?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 14/02/2018 22:24

Just once for me. I was extremely lucky and had mentally checked out of the relationship before I left, so it was easy in that sense.

The average amount of times a woman takes to leave for good is seven. Never ever think that you need to give up or that you don't have the "right" to leave just because it hasn't been final before. It's okay that these things take time, it's a very difficult process to detach.

The book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft was an eye opener.

Armygirl · 14/02/2018 22:25

I left twice. The first time he dragged me off the sofa by my hair while I was pregnant. I stayed away for a few months and then went back. The second and last time I left baby was 5 months old. Dragged me outside by my hair this time and threw me on the ground. Never went back.

Queenoftheblitz · 14/02/2018 22:29

Dragon oh yes left the tool years ago. Had a bit of stalking initially and he still likes to pop into my local occasionally.
I just laugh and there's nothing he can do as the police had a word with him.
So he can't communicate with me and it drives him nuts.
I'm seeing someone lovely now.

BertieBotts · 14/02/2018 22:37

Empathetic and kind seems to be a usual pattern. We often feel as though we are "the only ones" to see them in a certain way, and so wind up feeling responsible because nobody else understands them, or everyone else only sees the bad parts first. There can also be a kind of arrogance to this - that's something I found hard to identify until afterwards though. But I thought I was special and because I alone could see the "real heart" that I had the power to get through to it. The reality is nobody does and you are not that special. Abusers/controllers also bring into a relationship very early a sense of being special and magical and so much closer than any other couple, which is probably what gives you this sense of power. You will learn that when you leave because they move on surprisingly quickly and find somebody else to fill your role. It is pretty astonishing. The "special" feeling is very strong and addictive, though, and can skew what your impression of "love" is which means that you can struggle to adjust to normal, healthy relationships. There is still one ex who I am actually fairly sure still sees me in that way and I won't have any contact with him. He wasn't abusive actually but he was very mentally unhealthy and I'm more aware these days that I just have absolutely no need to go there - nothing good will ever come of it.

I had to relearn a lot of things. My instinct is to "meet people where they are" rather than cut them off - which most people are appreciative of, and can be enormously valuable and make a difference to those who need it, but it does mean when you get cheeky fuckers who are happy to let you do all the legwork - you do all the legwork. I still find it hard to work out when that is happening.

Queenoftheblitz · 14/02/2018 22:49

Bertie you are right about it being hard to adjust to a normal relationship.
I stayed single for a few years and during this time i realised i was gradually re-programming my brain to want normality, a non volatile relationship.
Because there is a "high" to these relationshps, making them hugely addictive. It's like coming off drugs.

AthenasOwl · 14/02/2018 22:56

Hi just wanted to share with you my experience. I was with my ex partner for 12 years, during that time I lost count of the times I left, my ex would always use the children as his way of worming back in, he'd make me feel terribly guilty for 'breaking up the family' or he'd simply refuse to allow me to take the children or he would refuse to leave.
I also halted legal proceedings twice after his assaults. I went back so many times I was actually embarrassed to tell people.
Is understandable to be going through what you're going through, it's ok to have a wobble but stay strong you got this!

BertieBotts · 14/02/2018 23:03

Exactly. It's like that Eminem/Rihanna song, the one with the burning house video, which came under criticism (at least on here, I don't know if it did in other circles) for glamourising DV relationships and specifically the line "It's like a hurricane meets a volcano" - they whip you up into a frenzy of thinking you're a special, rare sort of person and they're a misunderstood, rare kind of person. The isolation is part of that because it's part of them convincing you that they are the one who truly "gets" you.

I cannot listen to any Eminem BTW. I find his whole manner of speaking to be incredibly triggering and it really upsets me.

Queenoftheblitz · 14/02/2018 23:13

Bertie that song comes closest to the sick relationship i was in. It was a relief to hear a lyric that "got it". I don't know about glamourising it - it's grim listening i think.
But i feel there is a place for songs that deal with the dark side.

Dragongirl10 · 14/02/2018 23:18

QUEEN..thank you for the explanation, it makes sense actually.

I am so glad you are with someone good now.

Queenoftheblitz · 14/02/2018 23:23

You're welcome Dragon.
And i advise everyone to do what you did - after the first time, walk away and keep walking.

IhopethisNCworks10 · 14/02/2018 23:29

Could I ask how you asked your partner to leave? I mean was it face to face? I am terrified of mine, he always says he will kill me and my dogs if I leave him. He once left for 2 days last year after he hit me, strangled me and held me over the bannister I thought I was going to die. I should have gotten the locks changed but I didn't so he let himself in and gave me flowers and wine along with his usual apology speech after he's hurt me. I didnt want him back but was too scared to say otherwise.

caringdenise009 · 14/02/2018 23:35

Oh namechange, are you married to this horror? Do you have children, will anyone put you up if you need to leave?

You do need to leave,as soon as you can

caringdenise009 · 14/02/2018 23:37

There are ways to foster your dogs while you leave

Queenoftheblitz · 14/02/2018 23:37

Ihope best if you leave. Would it be practical?

Dragongirl10 · 14/02/2018 23:44

If l were you IHOPETHISNCWORKS, l would just disappear..

I would take long leave from my work, if possible get a transfer elsewhere or new work and leave old job
arrange to stay with someone he didn't know or save for a cheap rental for a while far away.
Take dogs, bin phone and get new one, not tell anyone where l was for some time, close social media accounts, etc.

I wouldn't care about leaving home/stuff

Then when safely far away l would set about destroying his life by,
letting all his friends/family/employer know in detail what he has done, l would anonymously make it really public.
I would also report to the police all past abuse

The problem with these monstrous men they keep women quiet with fear (understandably) but that just allows them to keep abusing.

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