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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Domestic abuse. How many times did you leave.

35 replies

Fightingthrough · 14/02/2018 20:31

Firstly I would like to thank you guys for giving me great advice in the past.

There are two weeks since I threw my abusive ex out. I know I did the right thing by doing so. But today I have had a wobble.

I ended my relationship with him five times, and five times he found his way back into my life. And each time the abuse got worse. With the last time ending in him threatening me with a knife. He said to me that he had nothing to loose, and he admitted to the fact that he didn't know what he was going to do to me with that knife.
This has all left me wondering if it's me, and if I bring out the worst in men, seeing this is not my first abusive partner.
I am having counselling through my work and I realise I have a lot of homework to do when it comes to men.

Those of you who have come out of such volatile relationships, how many times did you leave? And if you went back, why did you go back?

What promises did your partner make in order for you to resume with the relationship?

My ex was and still is very good at owning up, but also making me feel responsible and it was always me that was in the wrong, and sometimes I would believe that I was responsible.

How are you coping today?

OP posts:

PickAChew · 14/02/2018 23:46

Once, but it took me far too long to get around to it.

IhopethisNCworks10 · 14/02/2018 23:56

I'm not married to him thankfully, he moved in with me to a house I rent from my parents but he took over the rent payments. I don't have children, just dogs. My parents live just a few streets away though I am not close to them. His parents also live just a 5 minute drive from us which is where he was before he moved in.

OP I'm very sorry I'm not trying to hijack your thread, this is just the first time I've ever written anything about this on here. He got in a temper earlier and went up to bed, I will have to go up soon and I know I will be expected to have sex with him. I just want him out of my life so I can be myself again, I hate the fear I live with everyday. I don't know how to get him to leave.

IhopethisNCworks10 · 15/02/2018 00:05

Dragongirl I think about doing that so often, just disappear for a while. But I don't have the money for it. I work but only part time. My other plan is to ring the police when he has begun smashing things up in one of his tempers up or has hurt me, I just get too scared to do it or he takes my phone so I don't have the option.

Queenoftheblitz · 15/02/2018 00:13

Ok hon, you need to get him out. You need to change the locks and pack his stuff and put it on the doorstep.
It might be an idea to go to your local police station beforehand for advice. Do you have any friends who can be with you in the house?
I know it's terrifying but the majority of men back off when you involve the police.
You are going to have to be very strong.
If you are able to record his verbal abuse or him admitting to hitting yoy, you can use the recording as a bartering tool to keep him away. Or report his abuse to the police.

caringdenise009 · 15/02/2018 00:17

Would your parents support you namechange?

IhopethisNCworks10 · 15/02/2018 00:33

I do have friends that would help me, only one of them knows a little about what has been going on but not the full extent. I would like to think involving the police would make him stay away, he has a good job I doubt he would want to jeopardise and he has numerous friendship circles some of which cross over into mine (which is how we met) and he absolutely hates to look bad in front of anyone. My parents would support me but I just worry about the sheer disappointment I would be again to them. I am one of 3 and my siblings are both high flyers whereas I am just a coaster in life.

KizzyBear · 15/02/2018 00:42

Around 20-25 times, mostly few days though 4-5 times being gone for a few months. Almost 4 years free, funnily enough the final time I left wasn't because of the abuse it was because he was having an affair. It was if I felt I had a 'valid reason', of course abuse in any shape or form is a valid reason but he made me feel like it wasn't. I used to sit and think 'I wish he would cheat, I can leave and I won't ever have to forgive him' well I got my wish. He still tried to control my life afterwards (also cutting my arm with a knife in an attempt to stab me when finding out I'd met a new DP) , I cut those control strings.
Stay strong OP and to anybody else taking that brave step to be free, you've got this

Queenoftheblitz · 15/02/2018 00:48

Sounds like your parents are a whole other issue.
Getting this man out of your house and life will be an achievement.
Don't let yourself be distracted from getting rid of this rat.
It's good you know his weakness and it sounds like he has a lot to lose if he doesn't go quietly.
Do not try to reason with him, do not let on what you plan to do. Visit the local police and get advice -they can be really helpful.

ohfortuna · 15/02/2018 01:01

My parents would support me but I just worry about the sheer disappointment I would be again to them. I am one of 3 and my siblings are both high flyers whereas I am just a coaster in life
If you were my daughter I would do anything to get you away from that man, you have to put your safety first here!

Dragongirl10 · 15/02/2018 06:47

IHOPETHISWORKS

You are lucky you do not have DCs/ are not married to him and it is your parents house. Don't ASK him to leave he will not go.

First forget about your perception of yourself v siblings, what you think parent s MAY think, none of that is relevant here, you HAVE to remove this evil man from your parents house, safely.

You need to tell your parents, other family and friends everything, don't get to invested in the responses, just see if you get any support.

Organise a reliable locksmith for a specific date when he is at work.
Arrange for new locks, bolts on the inside of each door and possibly an alarm. Borrow the money if need be.

Rope in every man you can brother/friends/father/uncle, pack his stuff/leave outside, the men can sit inside to protect the house and as a show of strength.
Pre write an email/text telling him to collect his stuff and go and never contact you again or you will go to the police re domestic violence and tell his employer. Send it once you have got his stuff outside, do not talk to him.

YOU need to be elsewhere ideally for a few days.Get your dogs away for a week ie shelter/friends.

Offer a friend to come and stay with you for a few weeks, or get a lodger, this would help with both bills and support.

That is the only safe way OP and l would be arranging this straight away, you deserve better and he deserves to live in fear of you telling his employer and reporting him to the police!

Personally l would do that anyway but initially you would need some leverage to keep him away.

Do not let this continue Op, please, please get him out.

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