Please someone advise me

[Littlegingerjamie]

I met a guy 7.5 months ago. We connected amazingly. We talked all night we twiddled fingers and he taught me things I never knew. We introduced the kiddies too.
He like 45-60mins away. He works shifts I work 9-5 he has a daughter and I have two children. Mine don’t see thier Dad and as such I am a single parent. He sees his daughter on a Wednesday and every other weekend. (I’m theory) and he works shifts either 5am-2pm or 2pm-10pm I work 9-5 Monday-Friday. He doesn’t have his own home and lives with his parents. I have my own house.

We find it impossible to see each other. We were going to move in together I changed my job as I needed a term time job becausw is loose my tax credits as a couple and he told me the day before that basically it’s not happening for now as I’d been acting strangely.

I had been - at Christmas he slept over at his ex wives. On the sofa. He then, in the morning screend my calls. Despite saying he would stop paying his ex wives bills and would divorce her he hasn’t made any moves to do so. I’ve reminded him 3 times and been told ‘it will happen’ and ‘I will’ I can’t remember the last time he offered to pay for the day out with the kids - he earns triple what I do. I took us away for my birthday weekend. I paid for the hotel and meals. Then we celebrated with the kids and I paid the entire thing mini golf, meal and shrek world the weekend before. I want to plan things and he shuts me down. (Holiday... hotel bookings for a family trip -his family) I can’t remember the last time he looked at me and pulled me in tight and said ‘I love you’ I think we’re continuong because the kids all love each other and we started off AMAZING.

If I don’t plan is to see each other it wouldn’t happen.

On top of this. His ex wife asks him constantly to have thier daughter more. She works in the sex industry and takes cocaine. He knows this so has the daughter as much as possible but with her being in primary school he often has her at her mums house (ex marital home) or his parents and won’t bring her to me because of the journey to school which, means the future for us living together isn’t bright because of his shifts and the need for him to constantly have his daughter and there being no real routine. I can’t ask him to keep a routine for his daughter because then I’m asking him to choose. But, his wife knows that she hasn’t him right where she wants him. Childcare - bill paying - she even has him paying for cheerleading (she’s a coach so obviously wouldn’t pay for it I suspect but tells him he needs to pay) they also, on competitions both drive down together and he hangs out at the Home. It’s been 2+ years since they separated.

What do I do? I love him and my kids love him and he is a part of our lives now. But I keep going round in circles and he isn’t getting it. Today is valentines. I got no ‘sorry I’m not there flowers’ he has his daughter. Over night. It’s half term. Why can’t he drive over to mine and we all spend the evening together and then drive back in the morning for work and to give his daughter back to her mum? He just says ‘because I’m not’

His best friend is also her brother so hanging with his friends isn’t pleasurable either

Where do I go from now...
Please someone help me.

I'm sorry but he is taking you for a fool. He hooked you in and strung you along until he reverted back to him. His past life sounds a nightmare and tbh I wouldn't allow my children within 50 miles of him. Personally I'd run a mile.

Run a mile and don't introduce kids so quickly next time.

So to sum up, everything is shit apart from your kids get on and it was good in the beginning.

You've mentioned everything you've done for him, what exactly has he done for you or brought to your life? Apart from stress and confusion??

Also it was wayyyyyyyy too soon to introduce the kids to yourselves and each other's children

I have this uncomfortable thought, that he isn't separated from his wife? I dunno, I just don't trust him!

Your being played for a fool. If you didnt plan or pay for everything you would not see him.
He is still married with no intention of divorcing his cocaine sniffing sex worker wife , who he still spends lots of time with (for the sake of their child of course)
Where do you go from here. You finish with him. He has finished with you he just has not got the guts to say so.

If you're really, really honest with yourself, I think you know where you go from here. He's clearly playing you and sees you as someone nice to spend time with/shag, but he's got no intention of committing to you.

Try not to feel bad, it's really hard being a single Mum, and easy to get sucked into a crap relationship (been there!) Sometimes it can feel like anything's better than being in your own, but being in a relationship like this will destroy your self esteem.

Get out while you can and concentrate on looking after yourself and your children x

He’s a dick. Don’t try so hard or spend money on him, then see where you stand.

I rather suspect that you are the OW. Get rid.

I'm really sorry but it's v obvious that this is dead in the water. End it and move on. Never introduce the children that early again - you've seen now how complicated it makes things x

Thank you everyone. I’m totally broken hearted. I’ve been single for years 4+ and he is the one person I entertained in all that time because he made me brain work. We were all consuming chats, giggles and values. I’ve sent him an email... it says..

(Name), I’m so broken hearted. I feel dead inside. I want to be yours. I want to be in your arms and I want to love you with everything I am. I want to do everything for you and look after you and give you the world. I have never felt this way about someone. I’m not getting it back though.

My goodness . I love you so much it hurts.

But I can’t be with someone who isn’t certain, who can’t put me first and love me and want me. I feel insecure and it’s because I don’t feel like I’m enough for you. I don’t make you happy. I’m not special enough for you to put your words into actions.

I talk myself into it. No, he does love me. No, he will do it. He will turn up and surprise me. He will text me. He will pay. He will come onto me. He will print the divorce papers he will sort the bills. He does care how much it hurts so if course he will want our life together. But, those times don’t come and nor does a conversation it’s just a confrontation all the time. It’s draining. It’s killing me heart.

I love you so much but I can’t live with words that don’t become actions I can’t be with someone whom is married with no intention of severing that. We won’t ever be able to live together with your schedule and daughter being an hour apart. I’m not important enough to you for that to be. Our future was so bright. We were so much more than dates once a week we were all consuming, amazing chats, real love, cuddles and can’t get enough of each other. I’m sorry that went somewhere. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. Oh how I love you with even the most broken heart I still manage to love you so much but I need to be loved like we did.

I need and want you, stability and love and attention and intention to carry things through. To be picked up and tickled and giggle so much it hurts and then smile and told I’m loved and I’m beautiful. To be wanted to me is to feel safe and secure. That’s who I am. I need all consuming love. I’ve lived for so long being unwanted and being no ones priority. I’m not prepared to be last on someone’s list who is, alongside the kids, at the top of mine. I’m sorry for that.

This is such a hard thing to do. For me to carry on Unhappy being the bad one asking you to prove the commitment to me like I have to you or be honest with me and just walk away. I’ve tried to carry on and not let this bother me but I can’t let it be. I need to be secure, sure, loved, wanted.

You have DAUGHTER tonight. It’s valentines. She doesn’t have to be back till tomorrow yet you still can’t make the effort to be with me on our first valentines. That speaks volumes whether conscious or unconscious.

I pray that being without me will be the thing that means you’ll do what you say you’re going to do but, if my feelings didn’t matter the last few months I doubt they will now. I’ll just become a memory. Im hoping you’ll say ‘I’ll do what I have to to show you I love you - what can I do? - im not going to lose you’

You know I’d fight for you. I’d do anything I had to to make you feel as special as you are. I’m hoping you’ll fight for me but I understand that’s unlikely.

So ... that will be that. I feel awful on the kids but it’s a lesson I’ve learned. I truly thought I’d waited so long that I’d grown and searched enough that I could spot everything I’d longed for in him. I’m so sorry i was wrong. Thank you everyone. Xxx

You've barely been together and most of it is shit.

Your email is too gushy and sentimental for someone who doesn't spare a thought for you. Next time save your emotions for someone who demonstrates that he's into you.
One-sided...

You've been with the guy less than a year and he has you jumping through hoops and paying for everything! I would run a mile from it all.
That email was neediest thing I have ever read..I cringed for you.
Don't invest anymore time or emotional energy on this.

Oh Littleginger , I’m not giving you the advice you asked for because I’m not clued up on this sort of situation, but I wanted to say I found your words searingly honest and very moving.
I hope you can find someone who can appreciate your capacity for love.

I suspect you are the other woman but not aware of it.
He is still married to her, spending time with her as a family and covering all her costs, spending most of his nights with her that doesnt sound like their relationship is over.
What does he tell his daughter you are to him? How has he introduced you to his family and friends? How have they reacted to you? Do you know for certain his wife is a sex worker as at one pont you say she is a coach?
All of that aside, 7.5 months is not really a long time. If his behaviour could all be explained away as him just doing his duty as a dad, why would you expect him to ferry his daughter around on a school night and disrupt her routine to please you? or stop paying for her cheerleading? or covering the costs where she lives? Thats not really something for you to decide....

You’ve known him 7 months?

Alarm bells would be ringing for me purely for the fact his “ex” wife supposedly takes cocaine and is a sex worker and he hasn’t made any attempts to report her for drug use or get custody of his own child who is clearly living in completely unsuitable circumstances. That is not the kind of man I would want to have a relationship with.

Just so many things wrong with 7 months relationship..
Why did you change job in order to keep tax credits if you're not even living together?
I wouldn't believe she's sexworker , he might be talking bs. She probably kicked him out but what for you can only guess.
I don't think though that sleeping on her sofa means anything..my exh does that sometimes, especially around Christmas and birthdays but we been divorced for 7 years and nothing at all going on.
It's good he's looking after his daughter but not enough according to his ex so she might be extra friendly in order for the daughter to have more contact with him.
Ultimately he's not in love with you otherwise he would be there, would pay and make effort.
Stop showing your love to men, they get bigheaded and take women like you for granted.
Learn to match their communication and effort and do just tiny bit less then them, tgat way you are always dignified and in control.
Stop messaging him completely..

Naaaah don't beg and plead to keep that wanker, sack him off now!!

He has you where he wants you. At the drop of a hat and an hour away from everything.

Your email sounds more like a plea and a pick me dance. You're telling him you'll fight for him. He will just carry on until you've had enough.

7 months in and he's already 'stopped' saying he loves you, pulling you in and surprising you/ spending money on you or putting you first.

Honestly, I think you are a second choice when he's got nothing better to do. His mother cooks for him or you do.

And as for his ex being a known sex worker and cocaine user and social services haven't intervened?

Walk away now op. It will only get worse.

She works in the sex industry ... she’s filmed if you get my drift so yes, very much sure of what she’s doing as there is scores of recordings ...
she takes cocaine aparently to get her through it ...
obviously that is night work or one off filmings so she also coaches cheer on the side.
A few times she’s left his daughter (8) with mums new boyfriend (now off the scene) or her other 15 year old daughter and I’ve send him back to there to be with the younger one. I think he should have his daughter but he insists she is a good mum and yes, that is non of my business I just would ask he stop paying her bill and he give her maintenance instead so that they aren’t as linked anymore...

His family and friends and the daughter all know me as his girlfriend ...

Or not anymore ...

I know it’s only been 7 months but we took the decision to make a go of it ... we had both been single (him 2+ years me 4+ years) we live a long way from each other and with our working patterns childcare yes, we introduced the kids maybe a bit to early and decided to commit a bit to early but it was circumstantial

Ultimately i got no communication yesterday. He didn’t even think to text me on valentines. It might not mean anything to him but valentines and silly days like that means a lot to me and if it means something to your partner in my eyes, you make the effort. He didn’t. He could have been here it’s half term. His daughter has a wardrobe full of clothes here and a bed here too and isn’t going home till 1pm today. He has chosen to not do that for me. So that’s that really.

It might be hard for you but I think you need to send the stuff back to him (not have him collect it as I'm sure he could easily wriggle his way back into your life if he wanted too - it's best you don't see him) then go a big fat NC - no contact.

Block on everything and move on with your life. Don't tell him your blocking him either, just do it. Spend some time doing things for you. I don't mean to sound harsh but I think quite a few people would of run a mile when they found out about his circumstances. It sounds way too complicated with him for a new relationship to begin and I'm sorry op but he was just using you.

When the time is right and you've built up your self esteem (and realised you are worth so much more than that twat) try dating again but wait until you find a guy that's actually single and not still as involved with an 'ex'. Don't rush it, don't introduce kids, don't let him move in, just date and enjoy it for as long as you can. If it gets serious then that's great. As long as you have given it enough time, you can't go wrong. Time is the only way you can build up a trusting relationship. This needs to be done first and ALWAYS before introducing to kids, moving in etc. It might take a couple to years but it's worth it for a strong solid relationship. Good luck and please seriously thing about the no contact x

I think for your own self esteem you need to finish this. No gushing emails. No excuses just finish it. Im sorry but you are in a fantasy world about this guy. He is not good for you. Think more highly of yourself and your dc. He is only going to get worse. Dump him today and hold your head up. He may do that soon and you won't have had the satisfaction of doing it as its what he deserves. Don't even dream of moving any guy in with your dc after 7 months. It will be painful at first but you will go on to greater things. Listen to what people are saying here and do it today. Stop putting yourself down by staying with this guy.

Ah crap.
Gather your dignity and walk away. By the sounds of it hes already walked though.