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Original poster

Is this age gap too big to work?

44 replies

GreatScottie18 · 14/02/2018 14:40

I recently met a wonderful man who started off as a friend, but I gradually began to fall in love. He feels the same way.

However....there is a 20 something age gap. I am in my early forties, he is mid sixties.

Am I deluding myself that it could work?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/02/2018 14:46

Well if you were younger I would be saying #creepy
The problem is health here.
He's mid 60's already and I just think you may end up being his carer in about 10 years time.
I'm late 40's (OK, 50 this year) and I would not date a man in his mid 60's!
Sorry - but it's just a bit icky for me.
He would basically be old enough to be my dad.
Nope!
But..... each to their own.
You sometimes can't help who you fall in love with and it can often work out.
I would suggest giving it a go. Take it slow and enjoy it!

expatinscotland · 14/02/2018 14:48

Why not just enjoy it and see how it goes?

desperatelyseekingcruising · 14/02/2018 14:51

My husband of twenty years is nearly twenty years older than me. Wasn't a problem before, but now I'm in my late forties I'm starting to wonder what life is going to be like for us both in a few years.

That said, anything can happen to any of us, at any time. Life is for living, not worrying about the future. If he makes you happy and you enjoy being together, than I say go for it.

cxzcxz · 14/02/2018 14:52

I am in my twenties and engaged to a man almost twenty years older. Was something to discuss early on in the relationship, but it sure wasn't going to stand in the way if we didn't want it to / there was no need for it to.

dottypotter · 14/02/2018 14:55

I cant believe the posts from hells bells melons.

There are no guarantees in any relationship how many people are with people the same age and split up and divorced. Its how you get on with people.

You grab happiness while you can. Age has nothing to do with it and whose to say you will end up being a carer. Younger people get ill too.

Even if you do so what you might not mind if you love that person totally naïve post.

TheArtOfNoise · 14/02/2018 14:59

No, my dad was 20 when I was born so I would find that too close to his age.

Redglitter · 14/02/2018 15:05

I just think you may end up being his carer in about 10 years

Or the OK might develop health problems and he'll be fit and healthy for another 20 years

My friends was is 81 because of health issues I have he's a damn sight fitter and more active than I am.in my 40s

If it feels right go for it. Having a partner of a similar age is no guarantee you'll live a long life together

OutyMcOutface · 14/02/2018 15:11

It depends on his health and what you want out of the relationship.

Auldspinster · 14/02/2018 15:18

There were 4 months between my parents and he died at 52.

Auldspinster · 14/02/2018 15:19

My dad i should say.

Loonyluna16 · 14/02/2018 15:22

Girl I worked with recently got married. She's 28 he's 65. They work... each to their own I suppose. If you think it would work then go for it.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/02/2018 15:31

Why can't you believe it?
It's how I feel.
It's certainly something I would be thinking about long-term.
Yes of course anything can happen to anyone.
Believe me, I am currently watching someone close deteriorate massively and she is younger than me.
I find that kind of age gap 'icky'.
That's just MY humble opinion though.
As I stated in my post.
It can and does work and you should get on and enjoy it.

PollyPerky · 14/02/2018 15:31

Bloody hell Hells I am early 60s and am shocked that you think I may need a carer in 10 years time. DH is the same age and doing a 100mile cycle ride this summer. He looks about 50.

My parents are active in their 90s although my dad not so much so for the past 2 years.

People climb mountains and some run marathons in their 60s and early 70s.
Can we have less ageism please?

I think you have to live for the day OP. Any of us could pop our clogs any day. 20 years is a big gap but more depends on how compatible you are.

Original poster
GreatScottie18 · 14/02/2018 15:33

Thank you for all of your views, it is interesting to see what others think as there is part of me that is a little wary of that aspect as well.

He is a very youthful man in his 60s both looks wise and energy levels.

There are obstacles, not least his daughter who I know isn’t very happy that I am only a few years older than herself. And she is getting in the way a bit, I must admit. The last thing I want to do is cause problems between him and his daughter as they are very close and she is very protective of him. His previous partner was also quite a bit younger and from all accounts, was a bit of a gold digger.

I think I will take it really slowly and see what happens. He is very lovely. Kind, generous to a fault and very very good in bed! Wink

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/02/2018 15:34

Well we all have different experiences.
My mum is nearly full term with Alzheimer's in her mid 70's
My dad has had cancer 3 times in his early 70's
So from my experience, that's about 10 years time from where OP is!
Just saying.
It can go either way!

Oblomov18 · 14/02/2018 15:43

Sounds like the daughter may make things very difficult.

Lweji · 14/02/2018 15:53

It looks as if it's a little bit too late to ask. :)

If it feels right for you and him, then it's fine.

We can't predict health. He could easily become your carer instead.

And he is the one who has to deal with his daughter. He's the one who must decide whether it's an issue or not.

Treat it like any other relationship.

PollyPerky · 14/02/2018 15:58

I think your parents are the sad exceptions hells which are skewing your opinion.

I know people in their 80s who are very very active.

I'm surprised that at 50 you'd not consider a man who was early 60s. That to me is not a big age gap.

mrssapphirebright · 14/02/2018 16:03

My mil is 62 and fil is 83. He was really fit and youthful up until about a year ago, no he is really showing his age. Losing his hearing and mentally quite slow and forgetful. The age gap is now really obvious and I can see that he holds mil back with not being able to do stuff or even keep up with conversations. I think she is resigned to spending her retirement years looking after him.

Original poster
GreatScottie18 · 14/02/2018 16:16

It looks as if it's a little bit too late to ask

I think you might be right @lweji Blush

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/02/2018 16:18

Mid 60's just wouldn't appeal to me.
I'm a very young 49 in appearance and in outlook.
It's not that big a gap but I wouldn't want it the other way either.
So someone much younger is just a no no as well.

I look around the 46-54 age range when dating.
I think I'm just a bit traditional.
And yes, my poor family are really going through it right now.
Not just my mum and dad either!! It's challenging times.

Joysmum · 14/02/2018 16:20

hellsbellsmelons has a point that the older we get, the more likely we are to develop health issues or die.

However, if you’re emotionally invested then you’ll be ok with that. If we werentbok with that then we’d all be looking to trade in for younger models as we age. Take your happiness where you can 😉

PollyPerky · 14/02/2018 16:32

err yes, getting older does tend to be associated with dying. Hmm

I have a friend who married a widower in his 70s when she was 50. They appear very happy. First and only marriage for her.

When I was 21 I had a long term boyfriend who was 14 years older. He's now been married 25+ years to his wife who is 15 years his junior.

It's not age that counts, it's how people are at that age.

I see men of 50 who look older than my DH and who are less fit. None of his colleagues think he is the age he is- they put him at late 40s.

I think it's terribly narrow minded to get hung up on age when the older person is only 60 ish and the younger person is late 40s to 50s.

Presh12345 · 14/02/2018 16:54

My husband is 23 years older than me. I'm 39. He is youthful, take a care of himself and has more energy than me!
We had several obstacles to overcome but now everyone is ok and we are blissfully happy with each other. I hope it goes well for you.

Original poster
GreatScottie18 · 14/02/2018 17:07

@Presh12345

Thank you for posting! That’s really reassuring to know that it’s worked for you. If I may ask, how long have you been together? And were they similar obstacles to the ones I mentioned in my previous post?

OP posts: