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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this age gap too big to work?

44 replies

GreatScottie18 · 14/02/2018 14:40

I recently met a wonderful man who started off as a friend, but I gradually began to fall in love. He feels the same way.

However....there is a 20 something age gap. I am in my early forties, he is mid sixties.

Am I deluding myself that it could work?

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 14/02/2018 17:09

I think he's far too old. Maybe if you'd met 20 years earlier you'd still have had a lot of good years with him, but I think you should look for someone younger.

isthismummy · 14/02/2018 18:14

Do what makes you happy op. None of us can predict the future. Why throw away a potentially good thing for a "what if"?

My DH is 15 years younger than me (I'm 39) We are very happy together. I fought my feelings for a long time because I thought it wasn't going to work out. Once I admitted I couldn't be without him everything just fell into place

Presh12345 · 15/02/2018 07:20

Sorry for late reply. Where I live I'm ahead of UK time. So, yes we had many obstacles to overcome. He has 3 children from a previous marriage and one of them did not accept me at all. After 5 years and a marriage, she finally came round last summer. We are very happy together and don't let anyone say it won't work.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 15/02/2018 07:31

My DH (who I've been with for 19 years) is 22 years older than me. It has never been a problem for us, we have similar values and sense of humour, he is kind, and we are as happy and in love now as we were when we met. However, he is dying and I won't lie, it's bloody difficult. But then he has cancer, which is no respecter of age, so he could have been the same age as me and still be terminally ill. We have had a great life together though, and if I had been put off just because of the age gap, I would have missed out on the happiness I have had. And before anyone asks, no he wasn't wealthy, married or a pervert when we met, he was just a handsome and hilarious man in his early 40s who made me feel so loved.

BookHelpPlease · 15/02/2018 07:40

I would say no if you were younger. Early 20s and mid 40s is a bit ick and you'd be at completely different points in your life. But I'm guessing you're not planning children and are both settled. It's not like you are giving up your youth for him, you've both already lived.

I'd say go for it if you like him.

museumum · 15/02/2018 07:45

I know someone whose husband was 20 years older. He was very youthful and until his last year you’d have guessed he was at least ten years younger than he really was.
She was only three years older than his oldest child, a daughter. It was awkward for a while but they grew to love each other.
The man died at 90 relatively quickly and she went on to have a distinguished board role in her field. She had always known she could have long to live after him and they planned accordingly.

greendale17 · 15/02/2018 07:54

Sorry - but it's just a bit icky for me.
He would basically be old enough to be my dad.
Nope!
But..... each to their own.

^This

sparklefarts · 15/02/2018 08:00

My husband is 15 years older than me.

I have thought long and hard about the consequences of life in his older life. However, I choose to live as many years as I can with him because I love him more than I thought I could love anyone.
Recent events for us has proved that people can get ill/die at ANY age so you could even go firsts OP (sorry).

Original poster

GreatScottie18 · 15/02/2018 17:14

That’s a lovely story @Presh12345, I’m so happy that it worked out for you. It gives me hope that mine might go the same way.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 15/02/2018 17:20

Half his age plus seven is 39, you're fine.

DaphneduM · 15/02/2018 17:26

There were 18 years between my parents. They were so happy together. My mum, who was so much younger than my dad, died first. OP, go for it, age is just a number!!!!!

JamieFraserskneewarmer · 15/02/2018 17:30

PP is absolutely spot on - it isn't the age that matters but how the person is at that age! 19 years between me and mine and it used to be great. Now I am stuck with an old man who I have nothing in common with and a relationship that is bad but not bad enough to upset the status quo and put my three DCs through the upheavel of a split. The good news for you is that your partner is already 60 so, health issues aside, you probably know what you are getting. The difference between mine when he was 45 and how he is at 69 is vast. We were worried about the age difference when we first got together but were sure it would be fine and we would make it work. We limp along but this isn't the life i thought I would have.

sportyfool · 15/02/2018 17:31

Do you have children ? I think that will be a factor because he won't want anymore and you may want one ? Otherwise go for it .

Hellywelly10 · 15/02/2018 17:50

If you like him go for it.f##k what anyone else thinks. If you have a chance of happiness take it.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 15/02/2018 18:01

15 years between me and DP.

I'm mid thirties, he's older.

We've been together for nearly a decade, and have a DS.

He's fitter than me ffs.

We have a fantastic relationship.

Mumfun · 15/02/2018 18:10

Biological age is more important that chronological and people vary so much from 50s onwards often related to fitness levels and diet, smoking etc

But you do have to take a 20 year age gap into account and be realistic about what it might mean.

For me aged 50 I wouldnt want such a gap. But its a very individual choice.

Wherearemymarbles · 15/02/2018 18:12

The age gap is not a problem but the question is how long for.

Bil is 72, sis is 56. He’s had prostate problems for last 18 mos, which has killed his libido. They sold their small holding as he is no longer prepared to get up at 6.30 every morning etc etc. My sis’s life has changed a lot in recent years for the worse and it is age related.

Of course you can’t predict the future but you do know old age will get you in the end, maybe its at 70 or at 100 but it will get you. I totally get his daughter position.

Also clearly he has a thing, like most men, for younger women. Just ask on the dating boards how many 40 something women get message by 60+ men. I guess they think a 40’s something woman has a higher sex drive than someone their own age.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 16/02/2018 21:58

If you’re happy together then go for it. DH is 20 years older than me (I’m 42) and we’ve been together 20 years, married for 5. No one knows what is going to happen in the future - my uncle was 15 years older than my aunt and she died 7 years ago and he’s still going strong.

Oh and BookHelp, there was nothing ‘icky’ about it when I was 22 and he was 42. I was an adult perfectly capable of deciding what I wanted in a relationship.

SantaClauseMightWork · 16/02/2018 22:38

And then we wonder why men always go for younger women.
It takes two to tango.
Is anyone here a male married to a female with this sort of age gap or is it always going to be a rarity?

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